The Never Ending Bad Hair Day

So, lately, I've been feeling like I am having a never ending bad hair day.  I don't know what to do with my hair.  It isn't long enough to brush or style or highlight.  It is getting curly.  I am not happy about this.  I bought some gel and played around with it.....it didn't work.  It just left me with hard hair that was gross.  I reached out to two people to see if they would dye it for me and I didn't hear back....so I'm guessing that is a sign.  lol!  Truthfully, I'm getting a little depressed.  I miss my hair.  I don't know why but I liked being bald more.  I know.  Weird.  I think it is because I had an excuse to wear a wig when I wanted to look nice and if I wanted to hide behind a head covering I could.  Here is the most recent pic of my hair.  It is a little longer than this...but I have no makeup on tonight so I'm going to use this one:

So, as I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself I started thinking about my hair before chemo.  Here is one of the last pictures I took before I started losing my hair.

That brought me to thinking about when I was young.  Then, I realized....this short hair thing isn't all that bad.  When you consider some of my previous hair styles.  

This one is the start of my mom trying to tame my hair.  She just braided it to get it out of the way.

Then, I think, my mom decided to put a bowl on my head and cut around it.  Also, thank you Lord for braces!

Then Jr. High came and I started to let it be curly.

Then, I started on a bowling league and this is what I looked like.  Really, mom and dad?  You let me leave like this?

After that.....I got a spiral perm because it just wasn't bad enough.  Yes....I was a nerd.

Since I showed you my Jr. High pics...I better show you one of the bad high school pictures too.  I'm not really sure what is on top of my head.

So, after looking at these...I feel a little better.  I've had a LOT of bad hair days.  Nothing new.  I actually have more I could share, but I got tired of scanning them in and I thought I should save some just in case I get depressed again.  

I'll try to be content with my short hair.  But, I'm still praying it grows very fast!

Peach Fuzz

First, let me give you the great news!  I have peach fuzz on my head!  Yes...my hair is starting to show...just a little!  I am actually very excited and have shown quite a few people.  Most of them think I'm crazy because you can hardly see it, but I see it!  The only downside to hair growth is that it is also growing on my legs and underarms so I have had to start shaving again.  I guess the no-shave vacation is over.  lol!  I was going to post a close up picture of the hair on my head...but when I add the picture I cannot find a way for it not to look ridiculous...so let me play around with how I'm going to do it.  Then, I'll post a picture. 

Some more good news is that the other night I woke up and realized I was on my STOMACH!  I have tried sleeping on my stomach many times and it is too much pressure on my tissue expanders, but somehow my mind knew that it would work.  I can maneuver a certain way now to be able to sleep pretty comfortable on my stomach, but after about an hour or so I do get achy and have to move to my back.  I am pretty happy about it though.  I had missed laying on my stomach and it feels so good....even if it is only for an hour.  :o) I'm guessing this will get better once I have my final exchange surgery. [I am 5 months post-op...can you believe it!  Seems a lot shorter me.]

Yesterday, was our 9th Wedding Anniversary.  I'm so glad that God brought us together.  I love my husband and know that he is the man God planned for me.  I am blessed that God healed me of breast cancer and I can spend many more years with my best friend.  Our wedding day was such a special day.  I can't believe how young we look.  Here is a picture from our wedding.

Weight loss/Diet Update
I am currently down 7.5 pounds since I started my diet on 9/10.  I know I am losing slowly, but I didn't want to put my body through too much right now.  I also started doing the treadmill 4-5 times a week.  My diet is going well.  I haven't eaten at a fast food restaurant in 4 weeks except places like Qdoba, Chipotle Mexican Grill, etc...where I can get fresh food and not processed or fried foods.  I have not had any sugar or any type of dessert either.  I have had my Ezekiel bread apple muffins (made with freshly ground flour, my FIL's eggs & apples and local honey)....which taste healthy and not dessert like.  I use use honey to sweeten my iced tea, breads or muffins.  I am pretty happy with how it is going and I feel good about eating healthier.  I did cheat once and had sushi (which has white rice), but it was so good I was okay with it.  lol! 

Kevan and I were in Orlando, FL last week and I typed this up on my iPhone while I was sitting on the beach so I thought I'd share:

The wind is a little cold so I decided to go lay in the sun to get warm.  I laid my beach towel down on the sand....got it just right and then laid down.  As soon as my body hit the sand I realized "OUCH"...this isn't gonna work!  My very hard tissue expanders came into contact with the very hard sand.  I thought about lifting up my towel to dig a little ditch to fit my breasts into (LOL!), but I realized if anyone was watching me I would be very embarrassed.  LOL!  So, I tried to lay on my back, but it was no fun.  I went back to my chair.  I'm wearing a cute little fishing hat but it keeps getting so hot I take it off.  I am a little self-conscious here.  Not sure why.  It might be because so many women at the beach look cute in their suits and pretty hair and my husband has to look at his poor wife with her bald head and extra weight.  But, I am blessed that I can be out here in a two-piece bathing suit 5 months after a double mastectomy.  It is pretty amazing.

I went in the water for a bit with Kevan.  On our way back to our umbrella I noticed two pretty iridescent crows sitting on each of our chairs.  Well, one pooped on my shorts.  Lol!  They aren't as pretty anymore.  This isn't the first time I've been pooped on at the beach.   A seagull pooped on my arm last year.  I hear it is a sign of good luck, but I'm not sure. :o)  I think it means I need to spend more time at the mountains.

Here is a picture of me from the beach.

Soon I will write a post about the many things we did in Florida.   I'm stretched for time lately and haven't had a chance to get the pics off my camera yet.

Chemo Care Packages

I've been thinking a lot lately about chemo care packages.  So, over the last few weeks I've been pulling a list together.  When this journey is over I want to be able to provide those that I know going through chemo with their own chemo care package.  I won't purchase everything, of course, but a small gift basket with a few items would be helpful.  Here are some things that I've come up with.  I thought some of you might also be interested.  Also, I will update this post if I think of any others.

Update:  I've noticed this is one of the most read posts.  If you end up using any of the ideas below will you let me know?  I am just curious whether this was helpful or not.  It is read quite a bit, but I have not been given any feedback.  Thanks!

Must haves:

• Extra Soft toothbrush - this was the first thing I needed after my first chemo.  My mouth/gums were so sensitive during chemo even "soft" was too hard.  Kevan found extra soft at Wal-Mart in a package of 2.  I kept one here at home and one at my MIL's for when we stayed with her for Dr. appointments.
• Chamomile Tea - for the throat/stomach burning - it is the only thing that helped me.  I drank it every night before I went to bed and anytime during the day when I had the throat burning.
• Ginger Tea - for nausea - I liked iced ginger tea better, but was only able to find the iced version at the Puffy Muffin.  It is awesome ginger tea!  I could only find the hot version at the store and I didn't care much for the taste, but others might like it.
• Slippers or soft socks  - I had a lot of problems with the bottom of my feet hurting during chemo.  Slippers and soft socks helped me a lot.
• Comfy clothes - I lived in comfy pajama-like clothes for MONTHS.  This was a must have as well.  If summer, it is nice to have a few shirt/shorts outfits.  I also wore a lot of cute pajama pants and shirts that didn't require a bra (some type of pattern or sewn so it is not as noticeable if someone stops by.  lol!).  The colder months it was nice to have some long sleeve/pant outfits...especially in the hospital since it is so cold.  If they have hot flashes though stick to a lighter weight material.
• Cool Chemo cap - due to my hot flashes most head coverings around the house are too hot.  It was VERY hard to find one that wasn't too hot for nighttime.  When I would have hot flashes I would be drenched and I'd have to take it off.  Then, I'd get cold because my head was wet.  So, it has been an endless battle trying to find the perfect cap for bed. I've found that the best ones for night are the ones that are made out of t-shirt material - also, they don't have a tie on them so you aren't sleeping on something hard and won't wake up with a sore neck.
• Amazon Gift cards - for books, audio books or movies to watch when they aren't feeling well.  I used mine to purchase movies to watch on my iPad during treatment or when I wasn't feeling well at home.  Audio books were good for the days I couldn't see well or think well.
• Walkie Talkie's - This helped Kevan and I a lot when I needed something.  Both after my surgery and during chemo.  We could've used our cell phones, but then if I was asleep and someone else called it would've woke me up.  So, walkie talkie's worked better.  He could go outside or do whatever and I could always call him when I needed him and he could check on me if he started to worry.  Also, ours has a feature that vibrates so if Kevan was mowing the lawn or on the tractor he could still feel it ringing if I needed him.  They aren't very expensive.
• Personal Mini Fan - If they are pre-menopausal and will be going through menopause this is a lifesaver! 
• Pharmacy Gift Card - If the person is light on cash or does not have insurance this is a good gift.  Kevan and I didn't need this, but it would come in handy for someone that has expensive prescriptions or needs the MANY Claritin pills to counteract the Neulasta bone pain.  The Claritin was $25 a package and I had to buy 3 during my chemo treatments.

Things I ate the days I was most nauseous, having throat/stomach or intestinal issues:

• Cream of Wheat - I like the "from scratch" box, but they make packets too for those that want the easier route.  Then, you just add water.
  
• Oatmeal - On my good days I made the Old Fashioned version.  On my bad days I used the Low Sugar packet version and made the hot water in my keurig.
  
• Baked Potatoes - this was my favorite, I could just stick them in the microwave for 5 minutes and put some butter on them.
• Eggs - scrambled, fried, hard boiled...but mostly scrambled with cheese.
• Watermelon - another alternative to drinking water and staying hydrated.  This is a MUST-HAVE the first few days after chemo since we need to flush our system of the chemo poisons!  They need to be going to the bathroom EVERY 2 HOURS so that chemo doesn't sit in the bladder.  Also, if they don't have a port this is helpful the day before and the day of (before arriving) any type of needle pricks (blood draws, chemo infusions, IV's, etc).
• Homemade soup - After my surgery and chemo this was a favorite.  Someone made me a huge pot of chicken soup and I just froze it in individual serving sizes for when I was craving it.  It was easy to thaw a little in the microwave and then heat it on the stove.  Also, my mom made me Cream of Potato soup (or chowder) and this was very good to have on the days I couldn't eat much.  Soup was a HUGE gift to me!  I loved it on those days when nothing sounded good or tasted good.
• Popsicles - helped my throat feel better, but a little too much sugar so I didn't eat them very often.
• Lollypops - help with the throat flare and tongue rawness.  I even ate them during church service because my throat was on fire. 
• Prunes and raisins - If your friend is having problems "going" this is a good thing to have and eat throughout the day.  I tried to start eating them a day or two before chemo and then continue EVERY DAY the first 2 weeks.  Also, the individually wrapped prunes lasted a lot longer, as far as not getting so hard, than the non-wrapped. 
• Apple juice - see the one above.  Good for helping the intestines.  Buy the one without added sugar so it is a little healthier.
• Lemonade - I was sooooo tired of drinking water that I made up some Country Time lemonade and drank it when I felt my tongue could handle it.  It tasted a lot better than water.  Fresh lemonade would be better, but too much trouble for me when I didn't feel well.  This might have contributed to my weight gain since I don't usually drink sugary drinks.  Crystal Light might be a good option, but I'm allergic to an ingredient in it and have never been able to drink it without having days of migraines following a glass of it.  :o(
• Dill pickles - Taste buds get really messed up and I craved pickles.  But, Clausen are the best (from the fridge section).  I would eat a whole jar in 2-3 days.  lol! Also, my brother made me some bread and butter pickles and I ate those in 3 days as well.  Yummy!  He's the pickle-man!

Luxury items:

• Blanket - I received a couple blankets as gifts.  I loved bringing my own blanket to the hospital with me or to chemo.  It is just nice to have something that is your own and also to remember those who gave it to you and that they are thinking/praying for you.
• Foot massages - my husband gives GREAT foot massages, but if your friend is single or her hubby is not good in this area purchase some foot massage gift certificates.  Chemo is hard on the feet.  They need to be moisturized and loved on a lot (massaged).  Also, I've heard a lot of good things about Reflexology therapy for the feet, but we didn't have anyone in our area that did this.  My cousin who is on chemo for a brain tumor did this type of therapy and he believes that it really helps his side affects.
• Lavender pillow - A friend from high school sent me a few lavender products and the lavender pillow she sent is wonderful.  All the products were made locally.  If I'm having a bad night or stressed out I put my head on it and I could feel myself relax immediately.  Lavender in my bath also helped relaxation, but sometimes to the point of falling asleep in the bath!
• Bath pillow - I wasn't allowed to take baths until about 8 weeks after my mastectomy so I did not use my gifted bath pillow until chemo started.  I took lots of baths because of lack of energy or body pain.  When you have no hair the back of the tub is VERY cold....a luxury bath pillow is very nice to have to lay your head on.  Also, when I would be sick in the bathroom and have to lay on the floor it was nice to use to lay on or just hold when I was sitting there in pain.

If you want a few funny items that they will probably really end up needing, here are a few:

• Toilet Paper Wet Wipes - make sure to get the natural ones that do not contain alcohol.
• Senokot - this is natural and won't give them too many cramps like other items on the market.
• Imodium - once the Senekot and prunes start to work...they may have to get this out.  It is a never ending battle.
• Prunes (I mentioned them above too).  

Another thing that really helped me during my 3rd and 4th chemo treatments was my parents coming to visit.  During chemo 1 and 2 I had many days that I didn't feel well and would lay around.  I felt alone because Kevan was working and I would watch way too much TV.  Well, once they visited I had the opportunity to sit with them if I felt like it and interact.  It really helped pass the days faster and I didn't lay around nearly as much because I had someone to talk to...maybe on 1 or 2 of my really bad days.  Also, we have 2 sitting rooms so if I wanted to be alone I could while they were in the other room.  So, if there is only one sitting room you may want to ask the patient if they need alone time....just in case.  Also, I didn't feel as bad about having to be driven around since they were always at my house.  :o)

Chemo #4 Day 14: Started back to work

Today was a great day.  I started back to work!  Yay!  I've really missed my team.  I was a little scared that it was going to be hard after so many weeks off of work, but it was really great to feel like my old self again.   I am still a little slow brain-wise, but I'm sure it will all come back to me little by little.  I hope!  I didn't sleep well last night (about 4-5 hours) because I was so anxious about today.  Hopefully, I will sleep better tonight.  Today was the first day in 2 weeks I haven't taken a nap...so I should sleep well tonight (between the hot flashes).

Kevan and I went for a walk after work today.  I was able to walk about 1.5 miles and I had to go up a hill which was a little hard for me, but it felt great to do it.  I'm going to try to start walking everyday.  I also started a little mini-diet to see if I can get back in shape and lose a few pounds.  I didn't want to go on a full fledged diet since my body is still healing...so it is just a "mini" one.  lol!  I REALLY want to get back to my pre-surgery weight...maybe a little less.  I'm really praying for God's help.

Below is a picture of my arm.  It actually looks a little better today.   You can't see in the picture, but the skin is red too and it burns and hurts.   A couple days after my chemo my arm started to burn like it does when I'm having my chemo IV.  Then, a few days after that little red blotches were appearing.  Now, it just looks like I have acne on my arm and little parts of skin are peeling.  I called the doctor last week and the nurse told me that this can happen with Taxotere.  It has "leaked" from my veins and caused the skin to burn.  If I take a bath or shower it hurts pretty bad when it hits the water.  They told me to put hydro-cortisone cream on it.  I guess it will go away eventually.  I tried to research it online, but haven't found anything on it.  If you've had Taxotere and went through this as well will you please comment your experience?  I'm hoping it is done spreading and will now be going away.  REMEMBER - if you have to have chemo....GET A PORT!

I know it's a bad pic, but it is hard to take a pic one handed.

Well....I'm feeling a bit normal today.  If I didn't look in the mirror and see my round face and bald head....I might actually forget that I just had chemo.  It's been a blessed day! 

White Blood Cells (Chemo 4: Day 8)

White Blood Cells (WBC)...something one doesn't think about often, but they are sooooo nice to have.  They are keeping me out of the hospital during these last few treatments.  I had my Neulasta shot last Thursday and haven't thought twice about it until last night.  Yes, I've been taking my 24 hour Claritin everyday to help with the bone pain, but other than that I forgot about the possibility of the "bone pain experience".  The Claritin helps, but doesn't take it away.  

I couldn't keep my eyes open last night...still feeling bad yesterday and being short of breath if I just walk across the house.  So, I went to bed early.  I had my normal night of hot flashes and didn't sleep well.  Then, woke up at about 4am with the bone pain.  Ugh!  It is so bad.  Don't get me wrong....I'm happy that my body is creating WBC's....but, boy, is it PAINFUL!  

Be thankful for your WBC's and that you aren't feeling them being created.  I'm trying to find a position where I'm not in pain and try to lay like that for as long as I can.  The slightest move and it feels like my spine and hips are being torn out of my body.

This was my last chemo!!!  I won't have to go through this again.  PTL!

Chemo 4: Day 7

It has been awhile since I've posted.  Mostly, because I have had chemo brain and have not been able to do much.  So far, today is the best day I've had since Day 3.  It is still early, but I can tell that I'm doing much better.  I woke up at 2am with a hot flash and couldn't do back to sleep.  So, I got up to take a bath.  It helped get me tired again and then I slept on the couch until 7am (waking up every hour with a hot flash).  I have good news.  Before I took my bath I weighed myself and I have lost about 4.5 lbs.  That was so great to see.  I still have about 20 to go, but to see that this morning was very encouraging since I have not done anything yet to lose it.  :o)  I'm going to try to start my diet in a few weeks and do some walking to see how hard it is going to be to get back to my pre-surgery weight.  I'd like to get back to it before I have my final surgery and before I start tamoxifen.  Which is still, "if" I take tamoxifen (I'm still praying about it and I am still thinking "no", but everyone else (family, Kev, doctor) is saying "yes". 

I was able to go to church yesterday.  We usually go to Sunday School as well, but I did not have the strength, but I decided I could probably sit through church service.  When we arrived I thought I had made a mistake.  I made it to my seat, heart racing, music loud and was having a hard time.  I couldn't stand to worship so I just sat in my seat.  I actually even had a hard time staying awake during the music...which is odd since it is pretty loud and we sit pretty close to the front!  It was also the first time I've showed up for church on a Sunday without a wig!  I just had a head covering and it actually didn't cross my mind until I was leaving.  I barely got dressed and ready....a wig was not on my mind yesterday.  I may or may not have woke myself up from snoring (Shhh!).  lol!  I thought about going home, but I just don't feel right if I skip church.  My week feels strange....I feel like I've missed something in my life and I didn't want to feel that all week along with everything else.  So, I stayed.  Then, our wonderful worship team started singing the MercyMe song, "Bring the Rain" and I just felt like this song was for me.  Tears started streaming down my face (thank you CR for the tissues!) and I knew I had made the right decision to come to church.  Here are the lyrics that spoke to me....I included a youtube video at the end if you want to hear it.  It really spoke to my heart yesterday and confirmed everything I'm going through.  That this is all in His plan for me...He is here with me, this is for His Glory and He continues to bring me joy and peace through it all.  I felt so much better after this song and really enjoyed the sermon...glad I got out of the house, got myself ready....even when I didn't want to.  It really blessed me.

Bring The Rain lyrics

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Hot Flashes
The worst part right now are the hot flashes.  The doctor gave me something to take at night to help, but it hasn't helped at all.  I wake up about every 45-50 minutes burning from the inside out.  I'm drenched in sweat....I throw my covers off...take off my head covering....fan myself for about 10 minutes to get cool again and then pray I can fall back to sleep.  I get up 1/2 through the night to change my pajamas (which are drenched and I'm freezing) and then try to go back to sleep.  It is M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E.  I spoke to a friend over the weekend who is on Tamoxifen and she said the first 6 months were miserable as well, as far as hot flashes.  So, if everyone else gets their way regarding the Tamoxifen, I guess I won't be sleeping well for a long time!  Grrr!

Brain Fog
My brain fog started early during this chemo.  Normally, I do well until Day 6 or 7, but it started on the 3rd day this time.  I can still feel it and cannot think real clearly on Day 7, but it is much better.  I hate this part of chemo so much because I literally cannot do much.  I lay around, can't comprehend movies and  can barely hold a conversation.  I also had a hard time staying awake.  SEC football started over the weekend and I slept through most of the games....and I snored!  Which is not normal for me.  I'm unsure if it is the extra weight or the chemo.  I hate it!  Luckily, the sound of the game was so loud I don't think very many heard me.  lol!  Just my hubby. 

Intestinal Issues
Finally, after 4 chemo treatments I think I finally figured out what was best for my intestinal problems caused by the chemo.  It has not been as bad at all this time.  I started eating a handful of raisins and 4 prunes on the day of chemo (after I ate my last meal for the day) and EVERY day after chemo (after my last meal).  I drank quite a bit of apple juice (maybe 12-16 oz a day) to stay hydrated and to help with this as well.  It listed apple juice in my Chemo 101 book as a good thing for this as well and I love apple juice and hate drinking water so I was happy to do it.  Things have gone a lot better.  Not perfect, but better.  I didn't want to take Senokot (which is what is suggested in my Chemo 101 book) as it creates a lot of pain for me and I end up lying in the floor in the bathroom for HOURS.  So, I was just trying to work with the raisins/prunes this time.  After this, I'm not sure I ever want a prune again.  lol!  But, if you have to go through chemo....try the raisins and prunes!

Hand/Feet/Arm Pain
I've had a lot of fingernail pain (hands and feet) the last few days.  This is normal...along with the bad taste-buds and raw tongue.  I try not to let my hands or feet in my hot bath water if I take a bath as the heat seems to make them worse.  I so love baths though...so it hasn't stopped me.  Also, you must wear gloves if you wash dishes or it will get a lot worse.  In addition, I'm having burning pain from where the IV was in my hand and it is radiating up my arm (I don't see anything on my hand though...it is all inside)...a lot like the pain I have during the actual Chemo infusion.  I've only had it about 2 days and I'm hoping it will go away.  If I still have it tomorrow I might call the doctor to see if there is something I should do to make it stop.  Also, I'm having my feet pain already, which I don't normally have until the second week.  My hubby gave me a foot massage yesterday and it did help.  Not sure what causes this.

Hair Loss
I still believe the hair loss during chemo is a blessing for me.  Maybe I could've just cut my hair short, but not having to worry about my hair during all of this (washing, conditioning, drying, styling) has been such a blessing.  I know that probably sounds crazy, but after my surgery, early chemo and in the hospital it was such a burden to have to deal with.  It has been nice to not have that as another thing to deal with.  I am now looking forward to it growing back though!  We will be buying some Biotin tablets (my oncologist said it was okay) and I've heard it will help the hair grow back faster.  I'll keep you updated!  I do have a little peach fuzz, but I don't know if that will fall out or not since I'm only 7 days out from Chemo 4.

Chemo #3: Day 14

Good morning!  It is a great morning!  I am starting on my 3rd week after my 3rd chemo and feeling pretty well.  I love getting up in the morning when I know my brain is working a little better and the chemo fog is at bay.  I had enough time to study God's word, enjoy His creation (our barn kitten playing, bunnies, birds) and drink my coffee.  Right after chemo I can't drink coffee for about a week and I sure do miss it.  The 2nd week after chemo I can drink it, but it doesn't taste right so I don't really enjoy it.  The 3rd week....it tastes good again.  Mmmmm!  It was good this morning!

I was finally able to drive a little over the weekend.  I had the opportunity to go to a Women's meeting at church yesterday and a baby shower at church.  It felt great to drive myself.  Once I was there for a couple of hours though I was getting pretty foggy brained and felt like I might have to call Kevan and my dad to come get me, but by the time I left I felt better.  The chemo fog seems to come and go throughout the day.  It still seems to mess up my vision as well.

I am still having to take Claritin for the bone pain from the Neulasta shot.  I can tell when I miss a dose so I know it is working.  I forgot to take it before we left for church yesterday and I had quite a bit of spine and chest pain.  If I was smart I would carry it in my purse.  My fingers and toes are pretty sore still.  My computer has hot air that blows out the right side of it.  So, if I use my mouse next to my computer it really makes my nails hurt (immediately) if they get hit by the hot air.  They are so sensitive.  I'm thankful I have all my nails still though...some women I know lost a nail or two during treatment.  One thing that we've noticed after this last treatment is how fat and round my face is getting.  I'm guessing it is the steroids and I'm praying/hoping that it goes back to normal after my last treatment.  I was going to post a picture....but I'm not that brave.  lol!

We took my parents to Lynchburg, TN Saturday morning to go on a free tour of the Jack Daniels' plant and learn about the history of the area.  I was worried at first that I wouldn't be able to keep up with everyone, but I tried to sit and rest whenever there was an opportunity during the tour and it worked out great.  If you are on chemo you might want to skip the tour...the smell inside the plant was making me sick.  I just tried not to breathe whenever it was smelly and I made it through it.  We also drove by the area where Davy Crockett lived when he was there and visited the little town square.  I love history.  Anyway, I wore one of my wigs all day.  I don't know if it was the heat or what, but I developed a rash on my head.  So, I don't think I will be wearing a wig for a few days.  It hurts. Here is a pic of my dad and Kevan with Jack Daniels.

Below is a picture of my hand.  A few days after my last chemo treatment I developed this chemo burn.  I read some things online and it sounds like the Taxotere (chemo drug) leaked out of my vein which caused the burn.  It is pretty painful...just like if I burned it on the stove.  A woman online said that her hand scarred pretty bad from her burn so I'm praying mine does not scar.  I will talk to my oncologist about it when I see him next Tuesday and also about how to prevent it next time.  This is the arm that I already have signs of lymphedema in and I am not supposed to injure my arm....so hopefully the lymphedema does not worsen due to this.  What have you learned from Jayde's experience?  If you have to go through chemo GET A PORT!

Kevan and I are leaving for Nashville tonight for a couple appointments I have tomorrow.  I will be having my 3 month checkup with my breast surgeon who did my mastectomy.  I can't believe it has been over 3 months!  Also, I'm going to try to get fitted for my compression sleeve and meet with the lymphedema specialist at my surgeon's office.  I just want to get her opinion on how I'm progressing.

Do you want to hear some great news?  A week from tomorrow I will be having my LAST chemo treatment (August 28th)!  I am looking forward to finishing up and starting back to work again.  A couple weeks after my last treatment I'm going to start my DIET....I can't wait to lose this weight I've gained.  I'm going to look into a free 16-week breast cancer survivor program they have at the YMCA.  Downside is that it is a 45 minute drive to the closest one with the program.  But, I really want to get back in shape!  Also, I'm looking forward to my hair growing back.  ;o)

Romans 15:13 - "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

 Again, thank you all for your prayers.  God blessed me this chemo treatment.  It wasn't as bad as the first 2!

Family

My parents arrived here late Saturday night and it has been wonderful to have them here.  We enjoyed church together on Sunday and we've been able to sit around and "visit" together.  I love having my mom to comfort me and help me with things around the house and my dad has been able to drive me to my appointments or to the store to give Kevan a break.  I'm thankful that they came all the way from Michigan to be with me.  My mom has been cooking up some comfort food for us (potato chowder), doing my laundry for me, cleaning the kitchen, etc.  It has been so nice.  I took a bath yesterday morning and when I went into the bedroom to get dressed my bed was made.  It was the best feeling.  I couldn't wait to crawl into it in the afternoon and take a nap.  It was so inviting.  Thank you mom! 

Physical Therapy

I'm happy to say that I only have 2 more PT sessions left.  Thank you to any who prayed for my scar banding/cording from my mastectomy.  The banding/cording is all gone and I have full motion in my arms again.  Praise God!  The therapy seemed so slow at first, but it has improved so much.  The ladies at the PT center took great care of me and I am so thankful for them and their knowledge.  They pushed me to do my exercises (which I am so bad at) and I'm thankful for that too.  It is so great to sleep with my arms above my head again and not wake up because I forgot how painful it was.  I can totally lift my arms above my head now without any pain.  It is so wonderful.  I am so glad that God gave us PT knowledge!

Chemo #3 - Day 8

I think I'm doing really well so far since last Tuesdays treatment.  I am on Day #8 today and haven't really had any side effects except for the usually nail pain, intestinal issues, throat/stomach pain and foggy brain.  I don't think they have been as bad as the last 2 sessions.  I am starting to have the bone pain today from the Neulasta shot (in my hips) and realized that the Claritin I purchased is 12 hour instead of 24.  So, that might be why...I don't know.  It isn't too bad yet and the doctor prescribed some pain meds this go around, just in case!   But, I don't like to take them unless I have to.  I'm weird like that.  lol!

I haven't said much about the menopause symptoms of chemo, but I have missed my period by several weeks (for the first time in my life) and experience MANY hot flashes throughout the day and night.  It is awful.  Night time is worse because it is cold right now at night and I get chilled after a hot flash and then I can't sleep because I'm too cold.  Then, the hot flashes cause me to get hot and it is a never ending night time battle.  I wake up every 30 minutes to an hour now either freezing or sweating.  I am pretty tired throughout the day from not sleeping good at night.  I'm going to talk to the doctor about it next time I see him. 

I can't think of anything else "new".  I am happy to say that I'm not experiencing anything too bad this treatment and I'm praising God for all your prayers!  One thing I want to mention though is that when I am having issues each day I try to "fix" it on my own and forget that I am just a prayer away from comfort.  Stupid me will go a couple days in pain from intestinal issues before I realize that I haven't even really prayed about it.  Duh!  Then, I pray and God answers.  I should be praying for these symptoms every day, but I get caught up in them and forget that I'm not here alone in this.  My Comforter is just waiting for me to ask.  I need to lean on Him so much more than I do. 

Chemo #3 - Day 4

So far so good.  No bad side effects yet.  My eyesight is starting to mess up.  I really enjoyed reading a bunch during my good week last week, but I guess that is over for awhile.  I'm having a hard time just typing this post...so I'm sorry for any typos.  I've been a little tired here and there throughout the last couple days and have been having to take little breaks to rest.  I also took a 1.5 hour nap yesterday and could've slept more if I let myself.  I went to bed at 9pm because I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.  I moved out to the couch at about 4am though because I didn't want to disturb Kevan.  He had to work until about 3am so I knew he needed his sleep and I kept tossing and turning and SNORING.  I don't normally snore (only the first week after chemo...not sure what causes it).  The night before last Kevan thought it would be really funny to tape me snoring.  lol!  He said it sounds freaky and he wanted me to hear it.  So, he got his phone out and taped it.  Luckily, you can barely hear me.  lol!  Anyway, I am the early bird and don't usually need an alarm clock.  I needed to wake Kev up early enough this morning for a 8am call. Well, I was asleep and never woke up.  Luckily, someone texted him this morning and woke him up in time.  :o)  I remember a few days during last chemo where I slept 10+ hours a night.  So, I guess this is that time.  I haven't been up that long and feel like I could go back to sleep already.  :o(

My stomach and throat are starting to hurt a little so I just had cream of wheat for breakfast and no coffee (I miss my coffee!).  Trying to drink clear liquids as much as I can, but I am behind.  I was too tired to wake myself up to drink last night.  Fingernails are starting to hurt like they always do and my mouth is starting to feel like sandpaper again.  These are all just the usual symptoms.  Nothing too bad...just annoying.

I had my Neulasta shot yesterday (only 1/2 a shot since my WBC was so high last chemo).  Today I have another PT appointment.  This week, I'm finally starting to feel a difference after the PT work.  Not sure if I'm going to be able to drive myself this afternoon.  I hate being a burden.  My parents are driving down from Michigan tomorrow.  I can't wait to have my Mama here.  Also, my dad will be able to help drive me to appointments if I need him.  Very excited about their visit.

That's all for now.  Brain fog is getting worse. 

Chemo #3

First, I want to thank my mother-in-law, Judy, for taking her day off work and spending it with me during my 3rd chemo treatment on her BIRTHDAY.  I felt so bad, but I didn't want to be alone and Kevan had to work.  She was so gracious to come and sit in an uncomfortable chair all day.  I know that it brings back memories for her during her two breast cancer journey's...sitting in that same room...going through the same thing....but God was with her and brought her through it TWICE.  I'm so thankful he did so I would know this special woman.  I noticed a couple times that she had tears in her eyes for me and I'm sure it was because of the memories too.  Judy, I love you and I have been blessed by God to have such a wonderful mother-in-law.  I know this is a special blessing because not many can say this about their in-laws, but I was blessed with great ones that love the Lord as well.  Thank you so much for all you do for Kevan and I.

Chemo Day #3 Adventure (very long, but I don't want to forget the details):
Judy and I arrived at the Sarah Cannon Cancer Center at 10am.  I didn't get called for my blood work until about 10:30.  It was a pretty packed out place...which is sad since most of us were their for our chemo treatments.  I weighed even more this time when they weighed me...I hate it.  Next time they are probably going to have to use the 2nd big weight and that has never happened before.  :o(  Anyway, they took blood out of my finger for my blood counts to make sure I could have chemo.  Then, we met with my doctor and his nurse assistant about 15 minutes later.  He said my White Blood Cell counts were very high due to the Neulasta shot and commented that my bones were working overtime.  Mine were 44,000 and normal is 4,000 to 10,000.  (I'm sure it was everyone's prayers for me!  Thank you!)  So, because of the bone pain in my pelvis, hips, shoulder and sternum he is going to 1/2 the dosage this time (Praise the Lord!!!).  This was happy news to me.  The chemo nurse told me that they half the dosage in about 1/4 of their patients because their body reacts very well to the Neulasta shot and because those patients usually experience a lot of bone pain.  I'm always such a special patient.  lol!  My doctor even commented yesterday that my body is VERY sensitive to the chemo, the drugs they give me and the shot.  He also commented that I needed to start exercising on my good days since my weight is up.  I guess I'll start using the treadmill that just sits in our living room instead of just hanging my purse on it.  lol!

After we met with the doctor I go to the chemo room and find a chair I like.  They are all recliners which makes it really nice.  Although, Judy (or Kevan) have to sit in a normal chair and I'm sure it isn't comfy.   I arrived in the chemo room about 11am.  Once there, the drugs get ordered.  I get 4 total (steroid, anti-nausea, cytoxan and taxotere - in that order).  The steroid and anti-nausea meds take a little over an hour to drip.  Then, the cytoxan was about 30 minutes and the Taxotere about 1 hour.  So, a little over 2 hours for all.  So, I want to get started as soon as possible.

Before I start the next section...if you have cancer and will be having chemo....get a PORT.  I wanted one, but my doctor didn't want to put me through another surgery and he thought my veins would be just fine.  We didn't realize at the time that I would be in the hospital twice so far and my veins would not cooperate at all.  So, my advice to you...to make your life so much easier...is to GET A PORT!  I should've demanded it.

I took a quick pic of myself in the chemo room (again, we aren't supposed to so I look funny in it since I didn't want to get caught smiling at my camera.  lol).

First thing they have to do is my IV.  One thing I am very tired of during this journey is the needle pricks.  I already have scar tissue in 2 of my veins from the chemo and she told me that they can no longer use those veins for IV's.  I want to say that I know that the following is in NO WAY the nurses fault.  My veins were not co-operating on my left arm yesterday.  I wanted to use my left arm only since my right arm is already showing lymphedema signs and the specialist told me not to use the right arm.  So, please...no comments about the nurses.  They are a blessing to me and I was praying the whole time for them and me.  I believe that God wanted me to go through this for some reason because he wasn't answering my prayers.  So, this was just part of his plan for me.  Anyway, the first nurse tried to get a good vein.  She noticed right away this wasn't going to be easy so she got a hot pack to see if she warmed my arm if they would appear.  She had to prick me twice (about 20 minutes apart), but both times the veins wouldn't cooperate.  So, she turned it over to another nurse.  She tried once in another spot.  Didn't work.  Then, the chemo room was getting VERY busy so she asked another nurse to try.  She tried 2 times to no avail.  I was getting emotional because it is pretty painful to get pricked so many times and know that it was going to keep happening until it worked.  The tears started to fall which I think really bothered the nurse because she didn't want me hurting.  I tried to hide it, but I noticed everyone in the chemo room could tell I was crying.  Sometimes I hate being an emotional girl!  She suggested a little break.  At this time, they had been trying for about 1.5 hours so far.  They were really trying hard and not doing it too quickly so they wouldn't hurt me if they didn't have a really good vein option.  I started to drink more fluids to see if it would help.  Then, I told her to go ahead and use the right arm.  I've NEVER had a problem with the right arm.

They called my doctor over to make sure it was okay to use the right arm.  He measured a little with his fingers to see how much bigger the right was from the left.  I told him last time I knew it was 6%, but I had just been discharged from a 4 day hospital stay where they pumped me with fluids.  Also, the first time I had chemo they used the right arm.  So, he gave them permission to use the right and they all agreed that they might use the right for my last treatment as well.  The same nurse tried on the right arm on inside of the elbow because I didn't want it in my hand.  When I get it in my hand my arm tends to hurt/ache during the drip process because the veins are so tiny.  It didn't hurt during chemo #1 because they used a larger vein in the middle of my arm.  Anyway, the vein didn't cooperate.  She didn't want to try anymore (she had tried 3 times...we are at a total of 6).  So, they called in a woman from another area who ALWAYS gets a good vein.  :o)  While I was waiting for her to arrive I posted a prayer request on Facebook so my friends would pray for me...I was very emotional at this point).  She arrived a few minutes later, sat down, looked around, smacked my arm and chose on in my hand.  :o(  At this point, I was desperate...I didn't care where the vein was...I just wanted to get it over with.  She tried a vein in my hand and it WORKED finally!!!  They were able to take blood work for some additional tests, flush it and start my IV.  Praise the Lord!  Thank you all who prayed for me.  They tried a total of 7 times before it was successful (God's perfect #)....a total of 8 though it you count my finger prick for blood counts.  :o(

At 1:15pm they were finally starting my IV meds.  I was so happy to finally get it started.  I felt so bad that my mother-in-law was having to sit there and wait all this time.  I told her to go grab some lunch for herself.  So, she took a little break.  I was able to hand out one of my cards that has my logo, blog address, email and ministry information to one of the nurses.  I asked her to give it to a woman struggling with breast cancer.  If she contacts me I will try to provide her with support and pray with her.  She said she had a person in mind.  Which was great news to hear.  Here is a pic of my 'card'.  I want to use it to reach out to those woman that are having a hard time with their diagnosis so I can pray with them and try to provide them hope during their journey.  Also, ask if there is anything else I can do for them. (Kevan's cousin made me the logo based on what I wanted...he did an awesome job....also I blocked out my email from spammers)

I was also able to talk with an older woman next to me who had breast cancer and then 5 years later cancer re-appeared in one of her PET scans on her spine and liver.  She is currently doing a clinical trial.  There was a lot of commotion with her (due to vital checks, EKG breast, etc) so I wasn't able to get her name or give her my info, but I will definitely be praying for her...God knows her name.  She also complimented me on my hair and told me it was a very stylish haircut.  Then, I broke the news to her that it was a wig.  LOL!

A young boy (about 16 or 17) came up to me at the end of his father's chemo and told me that he hoped my next chemo would not be so bad and that they would find a vein quickly.  He said that he had been quietly praying for me and as he left he said "God Bless You".  What a blessing!  I told him God Bless you too as he was leaving the room.  Such a sweet boy!  I will be praying for them as well.  I'm hoping to see them again so I can talk to them some more during my next treatment.  There were a few other women in the back of the chemo room that also came up to me and told me they were sorry about my vein experience that day.  I didn't realize so many realized what was happening since the room is so busy, but I guess when you are sitting there bored for so many hours and something interesting is happening everyone notices.  lol!

I finished chemo at about 3:45pm.  So, we were at the Cancer Center for about 5.75 hours.  A long day.  It was great to get out of there, but I wanted to say that I know it is hard for those nurses that have to watch so many get chemo every day (the same ones and new ones as well) and to go through the hardship of people like me with bad veins who don't have ports.  They are all so sweet and I do appreciate them.

After chemo my MIL grabbed me some lunch (Lime Slush and breakfast burrito from Sonic.  Ha!).  Then, we drove back to my MIL's house and shortly after met up with some other family members for dinner.  I wanted my MIL to at least have a special dinner on her birthday.  So, we took her to the Old Spaghetti Factory in downtown Nashville.  I was already starting to feel the brain fog and I was a little off balance already which I was really sad about.  I wasn't able to eat much as I felt like I was gagging on my food.  It was strange.  After dinner we drove the 1.5 hour ride home.  I had the bright idea of starting my raisins and prunes ritual earlier than I normally do after chemo.  Usually I wait 4 days and my intestinal issues are already so bad that it takes several days of pain to get back to normal again.  So, we stopped and got some from a store and I ate about 2 Tablespoons of raisins and 1 prune (I didn't want to over do it...usually I eat 3 to 4).  Anyway, we went right to bed when we arrived home at 10:30pm.  I woke up at 2am from really weird dreams that I was about to get sick.  I laid there for about 15 minutes before I realized that there was no going back to sleep.  The intestinal issues were starting earlier this time (Day 2).  I was in a lot of pain.  My intestines were cramping and talking back to me.  lol!  So, I spent the next 3 hours in the bathroom.  Either on the toilet or laying in the floor.  I found if I walked back to the couch and got comfortable I had to run right back to the bathroom...so I just laid in the floor in there.  My kitty Stormie laid next to me like she knew Mama didn't feel good.  It was sweet.  I don't know if this episode was caused by the raisins/prunes or if it would've happened anyway since it always does at some point after chemo.  I'm just glad that about 5:30am I was feeling much better.  I made sure to drink some water since I really need to make sure I'm flushing out the chemo.  Then, I laid down and was able to sleep until a little after 6:30am.  So, I think I was able to sleep at least 5 hours.  Which is a huge blessing since after my first chemo I only slept 3 hours.  I didn't post the time for chemo #2, but I think it was 7 hours.

Today is a very special day.  August 8th!  My hubby's birthday.  My doctor calls him "Husband of the Year".  He really is.  I am so blessed that God brought us together almost 10 years ago.  He took the day off today so that we could do something for his birthday.  I love you sweetheart!  We have the day planned around my PT appointment and picking up a new license plate for the car.  My prayer for today is just that my side effects will stay away long enough for him to have a special birthday.  I'm already feeling weak and off balance so I'm trying to pray away those too. Here is a picture of us from the overlook where we got engaged.  This was our 1 year anniversary hike (I was so thin and had hair!).

Again, thank you all for your prayers and for your encouragement.  You all are a blessing as well.

Top 10 Reasons to Like Your Bald Head

I'm doing great today and have been for several days.  It is amazing how well the body bounces back.  Tomorrow I will be having my 3rd chemo treatment of taxotere and cytoxan.  I am dreading it as usual.  Since I've been bald for several weeks I decided to do a top 10 list of the reasons why I like my bald head.  This may help some of you that have to lose your hair to like it a little more.  I have to say that I haven't really missed my hair.  I'm strange though.  :o)  I think I just know it will grow back and this is just a part of the process.  Although, Kevan does miss my hair and I'm sure he cannot wait for it to come back.  I am also a little scared of how it might change when it grows back, but I am praying that God blesses me with straight hair since I had wavy/curly hair before and had to straighten it each day. 

Many have asked me if I have lost all of my hair (head hair, eyebrows, body hair, etc).  So, I wanted to give a little update before the top 10.  Before my chemo I was under the impression that it would all fall out at once.  That isn't the case.  As far as my head hair...it is pretty much all gone except for the annoying patches of hair behind my ears.  See ugly pic below.  lol!

Kevan wants to shave it, but I don't like the feeling of a razor on my head.  I have not lost my arm hair that I can tell, but have lost about 70% of my leg hair...but the remaining 30% is not growing because I haven't needed to shave in weeks...usually I shave every couple days.  I've also lost about 80% of my "other" body hair.  It would be a great time for me to go to the beach if I was allowed to be in the sun.  ;o)  I am losing eyebrows and eyelashes VERY slowly.  I have most of them still.  I am SO thankful for this.  This was my biggest worry when I found out I would lose my hair.  I am hoping I get through the last 2 treatments with my eyebrows and eye lashes.

Top 10 Reasons to Like Your Bald Head

• The obvious, you will save money on shampoo, conditioner and other hair products.  You will also save money on coloring, highlighting, haircuts, etc.

• You save a lot of time not having to do your hair.  It used to take me about 20 minutes to do my hair because I had to blow dry it and then straight iron it.  Now, it takes me about 2 minutes to put my wig or head covering on.

• Your bathroom counter is a lot less messy.  I don't need a brush, hair dryer or curling iron.  So, they've been put away for now.

• You have the opportunity to go to a wig store and try on all different kinds of wigs and hair colors.  I learned that red hair with black stripes does not look good on me.  But, it was fun to try it on.  I can see myself with bangs or without, black hair or blonde hair, short or long, pink or blue.....whatever you desire pretty much.  Take pictures so you can remember.  I should've taken pictures, but I always feel like the shop owner is too serious.  lol!

• You can decorate your head.  Just think of the Halloween possibilities!  I will definitely be doing this if I don't have hair at Halloween.

• It is the only time you will let someone tape your head.  Yes, my husband decided he was tired of looking at the hairs that had not yet fallen out.  He calls it my 5 o'clock shadow.  He thought tape would work.  So, he grabbed the pet hair tape roller and used it on my head. 

Here is what the taped look like after a good roll.  Warning - it kinda hurts, but it is pretty funny.

• When it is raining outside and you're leaving Wal-mart take your wig off so you don't get it wet and shove it in your sack.  Then, look back and see the amazement on everyone's face as they see this bald woman running to her car.  It is pretty funny.  Try it sometime. Also, you make it to the car without wet hair.  :o)

• It may be the only time in your life that you can check the hair color of "bald" on a form.  I think that is pretty funny too.

• When you are having a hot flash (which you will get from chemo if you haven't reached menopause yet) you can remove your wig or head covering to cool off extra fast.  I recommend only doing this at home.  ;o)  People are just too uncomfortable with a woman's baldness.

The ultimate reason to like your bald head.

• The shock on someone's face when you take off your wig or head covering and reveal your bald head.  I think it is hilarious and it never gets old.  lol!

Funny story.  When I asked Kevan to take the picture above of my bald head he kept taking them and I kept looking at the result and saying, "I can't use that one...ewww!", "No way", "Haaaaaa!!".  I didn't like any of them.  Kevan says, "Now do you see why I don't like to look at your bald head?"  LOL!!  I guess it doesn't bother me because I'm not the one that has to look at it.  :o)  Oh well...at least it is temporary.  Both of Kevan's grandfather's are bald....so if he loses his hair....I'll have to look at it all the time and it won't just be temporary.  ;o)  

All Filled up!

I had a plastic surgeon appointment earlier this week.  I was able to get my last fill of 50cc's.  Due to the size of my frame my doctor had to use a small tissue expander in each breast and they only hold 300cc.  So, I am now all "filled up".  Each tissue expander has 300cc's of saline.   This doesn't mean I can't go bigger if my hubby and I choose to, but for now, while I finish chemo there will be no more fills.  I guess they can add a little more to each expander, but my doctor will not be back from maternity leave until October so we are going to discuss it more then.  Also, the actual implant can be bigger than the size of the tissue expander.  It is pretty hard to decide what "size" I want to end up with.  Since tissue expanders have no give to them and they are so hard I cannot really try on swimsuits or similar attire and get an idea of what size I am now.  They just don't cooperate.  Also, I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but when I had the mastectomy the surgeon needed to get clear margins so I have a lot of flesh removed above my breast, which will be added back using fat from my stomach (yay!).  But, since this flesh is missing there is no way to imagine what it will look like after my final surgery.

We also discussed the surgery time frame with them.  I would like to have my final surgery by the end of the year since I have met all of my insurance deductibles and if it is any later we will have to pay even more out-of-pocket.  They are going to work with us to schedule a December surgery date ahead of time.  Kevan has researched the different implant options and we are going to go with an implant that is still waiting to be approved by the FDA.  The implants are 410's or "gummy bear implants".  They look more natural.  I don't want to look like I have big implants in my chest.  They have been in clinical trials for 12 years (I think) and are VERY close to being approved this year, but might not be approved in time for my surgery.  Due to this, my plastic surgeon will not be able to do the final surgery.  Her partner, who is using them in a clinical trial will be, but he is only allowed to do so many per month.  So, I need to get on his schedule now.  At the end of this post I have added a few links regarding the type of implant we are wanting in case you are interested.  We still need to find out if I'm a candidate for them.  We are praying I am.  I've read a lot of the breast reconstruction forums regarding the 410's and a lot of women are happy with them and can even sleep on their stomach's once again!  I can't wait until that day!

While we were in their office they took a 4D picture of my chest.  It was pretty cool.  The software actually detected different "issues" that can be fixed during the final surgery.  We were able to see what I currently look like from all different angles and the software was able to be manipulated so that we could see what different implant types would look like and size.  Also, my rib cage is different on each side of my chest so we could see that one breast appears smaller than the other when we look from a certain angle even though they have the same amount of saline right now.  Since the surgeon can see this prior to surgery (using the software) he can fix this in surgery by adding a little more to the one breast than the other.  One thing that they have told us OVER AND OVER is that no women's breasts are the same on each side.  Even before my mastectomy they were not equal (they have pictures to prove it to me.  HaHa!)...so they will not be perfect afterwards, but they try their best to help them look as similar as possible.  I'm just happy that I can have reconstruction and that I can have somewhat normal breasts in the end.

I talked to them about my scars and how I can help them fade faster.  They recommend a 100% silicone product called, ScarAway.  It is sold at many local stores without a prescription.  This product can be used on any scar.  Whether it is a surgical scar (C-section, mastectomy, etc), burn, cut, etc.  I started using it yesterday.  I'll let you know how it works.

I have 2 more days until my next chemo treatment.  Ugh!  My parents are going to come down from Michigan to help this time so Kevan isn't having to help me all by himself.  I'm really looking forward to them coming.  It is always nice to have your mom with you when you are sick or need some extra love.   Also, wanted to mention that we were at Walmart Thursday night and I kept complaining about how bad my feet hurt.  I told Kev we needed to hurry because I didn't think I was going to be able to walk on them much longer.  I didn't know what was causing it.  Then, Kevan said he remembered that I had this problem after my 1st treatment.  I looked back in my journal and he is right.  There were a few days (starting at Day 15 both times) where I was begging him to give me foot massages.  He gives great foot massages.  So, apparently this is another chemo side effect.  But, it will subside I'm sure before my treatment in a few days.  Saturday night it was a lot better.

Gummy Bear Implant links:

http://www.drpfeifer.com/gummy-bear-implants-new-york-city.html

http://www.theplasticsurgerychannel.com/gummy-bear-implants-for-breast-reconstruction/

http://www.plasticsurgeryportal.com/articles/gummi-bear-breast-implants/113

Bye Bye Brain Fog

Warning - there is a picture at the bottom of my arm blister that I received in the hospital from my PICC line tape.  If you are queasy from seeing things like this you will want to stop reading before the picture.

Today is a great day and I found out my blood counts were good yesterday!  Praise God that our prayers were answered.  No hospital stay this time! 

A day that begins with coffee and quiet time in the morning is a great day to me.  I haven't been able to drink coffee or read my bible/devotional in many days and it brings me a lot of joy when I can start my day off well.  Going through the chemo brain fog has shown me how special the moments without brain fog really are.  I love my mornings with coffee and God.  I miss them when it doesn't happen.  I start to feel sad and without hope when days have gone by without any study or reading.  I can feel myself getting depressed and scared that things won't get better.  But, they do get better and God waits on me to "wake up" and spend time with Him again. 

It is hard to explain the chemo brain fog, but on those days I feel like I'm wandering around drugged.  I'm dizzy, I can't walk well and I can hardly have a conversation.  About 6 years ago, I had a cold and took an over the counter cough medication.  I woke up in the middle of the night feeling very strange.  I woke Kevan up and accused him of drugging me and even asked him if he was trying to kill me.  LOL!  He was a little offended that I accused him.  lol!  Then, it occurred to me that I had taken 2 TABLEspoons of medication instead of 2 TEAspoons.  I got up and called the poison control hotline to find out if I was going to be okay.  They let me know that I would feel like I was in a state of "euphoria" most of the day, but it would eventually wear off.  I literally sat on the couch staring into space.  I couldn't work, watch TV....I just stared.  The room was moving, I was in slow motion, it was awful.  It was the weirdest experience.  I hated it.  That is how I feel on chemo.  Out of my mind. 

This week was a hard week.  Even Kevan found himself depressed from it all and we even had a fight on my worst day.  Which, he apologized for later and I couldn't even remember it....he had to remind me.  That is how out of it I was.  I know it is hard for him to see his wife so out of it, not able to walk, needing help to the bathroom, bald, pale and crying because she thinks all of her brain cells have died and she'll never get them back.  I don't like asking for help or needing help.  So, I have a hard time with thinking Kevan should automatically know what I need.  He's so smart....why doesn't he know?  I'm sorry babe.  I know you have a lot of work right now, all of your lawn equipment (tractor, mower, etc) have decided to die at the worst time and your wife wants you to be exactly what she needs.  All I can do is pray for us and pray that we become closer through this.  I love you and even though you might not be good at domestic duties you do a good job as nurse (if I let you know what I need).  :o)   If you are a woman going through this try and remember that your hubby is going through this too.  Although, he doesn't know how you feel or exactly what you are going through...he is going through loss as well.  Loss of the life you had, loss of his wife currently and the support she used to provide.  I know this is only for a season and God will get us through this, but it is hard.  I have to remind myself when I'm frustrated with him and he's not reading my mind that it's okay.  I just have to open my mouth and tell him what I need.  Just like I do with God.  God wants me to ask for what I need.  So, does my husband.  I don't know why God didn't make men better mind readers....but....He didn't.  lol!
 
Have I mentioned the HOT FLASHES!  Well....they are horrible!!  I go from cold to hot flash about every 30 minutes.  All night long....all day long.  Covers on me at night....then covers off me....back on....back off.  Ugh!  It is hard to sleep.  During the day I pull my head covering off to get relief and at night I haven't been wearing one at all (since Kevan is asleep my bald head can't bother him.  lol).  This is part of the pre-menopause the doctor warned me about.  I wonder how long it is going to last.  It is awful.  Also, I thought the bone pain was over (from the Neulasta shot)....I was wrong.  I had the back splitting pelvic bone pain again last night.  Since my counts were good yesterday I went ahead and took an Aleve.  It helped enough for me to get some sleep.  I can still feel it today, but it isn't so bad...I can deal with it.  Today, I have been able to make breakfast and do a little laundry.  Even though my mind is clearer I still have episodes where I get dizzy and will have to sit down for a period of time.  I don't know if it is me overdoing it or if it is normal.  Also, like last chemo treatment my underarms are swelling again and it is becoming painful for me to lift my arms.  I am taking an antibiotic that the oncologist gave me for this...so it is better than last time, but still painful and it makes it hard for me to do my scar banding exercises....which I already try to procrastinate on. 

One thing I wanted to document that I have been forgetting about.  Below is a picture of the blister that I received from the PICC line tape when it pulled at my skin when I was in the hospital.  This happens when you have chemo and your skin is not as strong as it used to be.  I am not allergic to tape...it was just due to the "pulling" and the skin could not hold up.

Here is a picture of it today.  3 weeks later.  The first couple of days we kept it bandaged and put silvadine on it (leftover from my surgery).  We made sure not to tape my skin, but only to tape the bandage.  Then, once it stopped bleeding and the blister got better I just used Aquafor or Cetaphil on it each day since the doctor told me to use them on my mastectomy/biopsy/drain scars as well.  A couple days after my last chemo treatment it was VERY red, but it has since faded to a dark pink.  Hopefully, in a few more weeks it will be gone.

I guess I don't have anything else today.  Just trying to do some household chores so I can move around and hoping I feel well enough to go out with my hubby tonight for dinner.  I want to feel normal again.