"After" Picture

We went to see my plastic surgeon yesterday to discuss my surgery on December 5th.  For some reason they thought I had canceled my appointment so we had to wait a little longer to be "fit in", but we were in/out within the hour.  Normally, they take me to a room and have me put on a paper vest (I hate them).  This time I got to put on a very nice white robe.  Very luxurious and way better than the paper disposable vest!  A nurse came it to "look" at the results of my previous surgery, fills, etc.  She said, "Wow, you are one of the lucky ones that actually looks good in tissue expanders!"  That was a huge compliment.  Who knows?  She may say that to everyone...I don't know.  But, it sure made me feel good. 

The doctor came in about 30 minutes later and we talked over size, implants, etc....same things we discussed with my other plastic surgeon.  He talked to us a little about the 410 (gummy bear) implants that we've decided on and why they are still waiting to be FDA approved.  Then, he informed us that he invented the breast tissue expander.  [side note - I didn't believe him when he said it in his office.  I researched it when we got to the car...he was telling the truth. He was the inventor.]  Now, I know that I have a love/hate relationship with these expanders (aka: rocks), but they are what made me pretty again.  They provided a way for me to be normal again.  How awesome is God that he sent me to the man that actually invented the best modern technology used today for breast reconstruction?  I am so blessed.  He is so good to me.  Seriously, I had no idea what doctor to go to and I ended up with the one that is the best in our area....maybe the country.  I don't know about you, but I don't believe it wasn't an accident.  It was God ordained.

The doctor had the nurse take more pictures and then shortly after he came back in with my "after" picture.  Let's just say....if I look as good as my projected after picture I will be a VERY happy woman.  LOL!  He said, "I need to add....exact results are not guaranteed"...as he doesn't know what will happen once I get into surgery or if my body will reject the fat grafting.  But, I'm pretty excited and ready for my surgery!  lol!  God has been with me this far and He has exceeded my expectations throughout this whole journey.  Yes, the mastectomy was awful and the chemo treatments were hard....but it could've been so much worse.  I know He will be with me during this final surgery so I will be praying that I look like my after picture in the end.  :o)  I told Kevan we shouldn't keep the picture since it is a naked picture and who knows who might end up seeing it if it's laying around the house.  lol!  He was like..."No way...I'm keeping it to compare."  lol!  He wants to see how close the doctor's work looks like the picture in the end.  Funny!  No!  I won't be scanning in and showing you all my projected after picture.  Sorry.  :o)  The doctor also felt my stomach, sides, etc and then patted my stomach a little and said, "we'll take care of that too while we are in there".  Um....excuse me?  Did you just call me fat?  lol!  I guess he did.  He's used to nip and tucking everything...so he wants to rid me of my excess fat.  I'm all for it!  He has to use it for fat grafting so who am I to argue?  ;o)

One downside to the surgery is that he is not in my insurance network so we will have to pay 30% of the bill.  When you are talking about thousands of dollars...30% is a big chunk...especially when my husband is without a job.  :o( Yes, my hubby is job-less as of this Thursday.  Tomorrow is his last day.  I have a little anxiety over it because of the unknown....but I know in my heart that God will provide.  It is a little scary to think he might not get a job right away...but I just need to keep telling myself that God knows what are needs are. 

On another note, Kevan and I were in a church production (drama/play) over the weekend.  We had 3 performances.  We had VERY small parts in it and it was a lot of work having to rehearse, memorize lines, come up with costumes, etc......but we loved every minute of it.  It was a joy to spend so much time with our church family and also to see people respond to the "Night of Reality: Secret Sins" production.  We had many people make life changing decisions after the drama ended.  This was one reason we've been so busy.  I mention it only to say that we began being a part of this only a few weeks out from my last chemo.  I have felt so good that I was able to be a part of this.  Such a blessing!

Love you all....God bless every one of you!

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" - Matthew 6:25-27 

Plastic Surgeon Update

Kevan and I met with my plastic surgeon on Tuesday.  It was her first day back from maternity leave/bed rest.  So, it was the first time I have seen her since my surgery on 5/8.   I am happy to finally have my final reconstruction surgery date.  My surgery will be December 5th.  This surgery is for my "exchange" of tissue expanders (aka "rocks") to implants.  I am looking forward to my surgery, but at the same time I am dreading it a little.  I hate "going under" and I also hate waking up in pain.  I've been reading a lot online about the recovery and it sounds like the first 5 days are similar to the mastectomy surgery (can't sleep flat, can't get myself up by myself, pain meds around the clock, drains, etc).  But, after that most women are able to resume their normal schedule.  Except for lifting restrictions.  Of course, I will be posting about my experience so I can help other women know what they may experience if they have to go through it too.

Size
The PS looked at how well I'm doing and thought the tissue expanders looked great.  Her nurse, "L", really did a great job while she was out.  We finally talked about "size" and "implant type".  Kevan and I talked a little about what we were thinking size-wise.  Then, she talked to us about my frame-size and torso-size and what she recommended.  She said that if women small like me go too big the implant/breast will protrude out the side of the chest because my frame is so small.  She doesn't recommend going too big because I will hate doing anything (farm chores, sports, etc) where I use arm movement because my arm will constantly be running into my implant/breast on the side.  I totally trust her opinion.  We are going to go a little bigger than what I had before cancer, but not too big.  I have never wanted to look like Dolly or wanted my chest to be noticed when I walk into a room.  So, I think that will be just fine.  I just want to feel girlie.  She said that they will bring several implants into the surgery of different sizes.  They will fit them into my chest "pockets" that have been formed by the tissue expanders, raise me up (while I'm under anesthesia), check to see how they fit and choose the best size for my frame...while keeping in mind what Kevan and I would like me to end up with.  I think that is fair.

Implants
We talked over the good/bad about each implant (silicone, saline, silicone/gel) in regards to my body.  She really likes the plain round silicone implants because they are easy to place and if they end up turning it doesn't matter since they are round.  But, she feels this implant may "ripple" since I do not have much flesh left after the mastectomy and my skin is so thin.  If we did choose these they would try to fill as much of the area that may ripple with fat (from somewhere else on my body...think liposuction), but it may not hold (it can be rejected by the body).  So, it would require another surgery to try to inject the fat again.  Also, the plain silicone implant would sit up higher and be more round and more fake.  I want to look more natural and I don't want to have to have an additional surgery due to rippling.  So, we decided on the 410 "Gummy Bear" silicone implants.  She said if she was me this is what she would choose.  It is less likely to ripple, it's textured (to help it stay in place) and is shaped like a tear drop to look more natural.  Due to this my PS can't do my surgery because they are still in clinical trials.  Her partner will be doing my surgery.  I meet with him on 10/29.  Also, with 410 implants, because they are gel they cannot leak into the body.

Fat injection/Liposuction
Before the surgery my surgeon will ask me what areas of my body I'm unhappy with due to excess fat.  This, is just one of the blessings of the surgery.  lol!  Then, with a blue pen the surgeon will circle different areas that I choose so that during surgery he can remove fat from those areas (liposuction) to use in the breast reconstruction.  I have to say...I'm a little excited about getting my excess fat removed.  lol!  I know it won't all be removed, but hey....even a little is good...that is a few less crunches or lunges.  Right?  I also read that it is pretty painful so I'm not looking forward to that aspect of it. 

Reflection
When I think back to when I first saw myself after my bilateral mastectomy 5 months ago it is an awful memory.  I was flat chested and things turned black due to lack of blood flow.  Kevan was my cheerleader though and kept reassuring me that things were going to get better...that this wasn't the final result.  I think God gave Kevan some special grace because I don't know how he looked at me then and thought so positively.  Thank you Lord for him and for all your prayers during that time.  But, if you have to go through this...remember....there is hope!  Kevan was right....after each PS visit (and fill) I started to look more normal.  The bruising and black areas faded and now everything looks "normal".  I have to say that if I had to look the way I do today and couldn't have the surgery I would probably be pretty okay with the results.  I mean, I've had cancer.  I look pretty good and the technology they use today is pretty awesome.  I hate these tissue expanders, but they provided a huge purpose in how I look today and it was worth going through it.  If I had cancer 50 years ago I would look similar to that first day minus the bruising.  I wouldn't have been able to save my N's.  So, I am already blessed so much.  My PS told me that based on how I look today she thinks I will look really good when I come out of surgery.  The sunk-in places of flesh that are missing (where the oncological surgeon had to get clear margins) will be filled in my fat injection.  My scars will fade over time and hopefully it will be hard to tell what I've gone through.  God is so awesome.  He has walked with me through this whole journey and continues to bless me so much.

Fractured Rib
Funny/painful story.  I was laying in bed on Monday, 5 days ago ,and I decided to flip over on my side.  When, I did...I heard a POP.  Well, I think my tissue expander fractured my rib.  I have been in so much pain whenever I move or lift something.  I talked with the PS about it.  She thinks it might have been scar banding that popped and the nurse said it may have been a suture that tore where my expanders are sutured in.  In both cases it should've been better by today.  It's not.  Which leads me to think it is a fractured rib.  I've been taking Advil for the pain, but it doesn't help that much.  I wanted an x-ray, but the PS said there isn't anything they can do for a fractured rib anyway.  So, I will just have to wait it out.

Nails
I had mentioned in previous chemo updates that I was keeping my nails short so that I didn't lose any.  I had heard that a lot of women lose their nails or that they tore if they let them get long.  My nails made it through chemo great.  A couple weeks after the last chemo I let them start growing.  Then, about 1 weeks ago I woke up one morning and EVERY nail was ripped close to the skin.  So, please keep in mind if you go through chemo that it is still affecting my nails weeks after treatment.  I'm still having to keep them short.  The nail is just not strong enough yet.  So, I will be waiting another month or so before I try to grow them out again.  It would probably help to have polish on them...but I'm not crazy about nail polish.

Thanks again for reading my posts, for your prayers and thoughts.  I appreciate every one of you.  Even those I don't even know are reading my blog. 

All Filled up!

I had a plastic surgeon appointment earlier this week.  I was able to get my last fill of 50cc's.  Due to the size of my frame my doctor had to use a small tissue expander in each breast and they only hold 300cc.  So, I am now all "filled up".  Each tissue expander has 300cc's of saline.   This doesn't mean I can't go bigger if my hubby and I choose to, but for now, while I finish chemo there will be no more fills.  I guess they can add a little more to each expander, but my doctor will not be back from maternity leave until October so we are going to discuss it more then.  Also, the actual implant can be bigger than the size of the tissue expander.  It is pretty hard to decide what "size" I want to end up with.  Since tissue expanders have no give to them and they are so hard I cannot really try on swimsuits or similar attire and get an idea of what size I am now.  They just don't cooperate.  Also, I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but when I had the mastectomy the surgeon needed to get clear margins so I have a lot of flesh removed above my breast, which will be added back using fat from my stomach (yay!).  But, since this flesh is missing there is no way to imagine what it will look like after my final surgery.

We also discussed the surgery time frame with them.  I would like to have my final surgery by the end of the year since I have met all of my insurance deductibles and if it is any later we will have to pay even more out-of-pocket.  They are going to work with us to schedule a December surgery date ahead of time.  Kevan has researched the different implant options and we are going to go with an implant that is still waiting to be approved by the FDA.  The implants are 410's or "gummy bear implants".  They look more natural.  I don't want to look like I have big implants in my chest.  They have been in clinical trials for 12 years (I think) and are VERY close to being approved this year, but might not be approved in time for my surgery.  Due to this, my plastic surgeon will not be able to do the final surgery.  Her partner, who is using them in a clinical trial will be, but he is only allowed to do so many per month.  So, I need to get on his schedule now.  At the end of this post I have added a few links regarding the type of implant we are wanting in case you are interested.  We still need to find out if I'm a candidate for them.  We are praying I am.  I've read a lot of the breast reconstruction forums regarding the 410's and a lot of women are happy with them and can even sleep on their stomach's once again!  I can't wait until that day!

While we were in their office they took a 4D picture of my chest.  It was pretty cool.  The software actually detected different "issues" that can be fixed during the final surgery.  We were able to see what I currently look like from all different angles and the software was able to be manipulated so that we could see what different implant types would look like and size.  Also, my rib cage is different on each side of my chest so we could see that one breast appears smaller than the other when we look from a certain angle even though they have the same amount of saline right now.  Since the surgeon can see this prior to surgery (using the software) he can fix this in surgery by adding a little more to the one breast than the other.  One thing that they have told us OVER AND OVER is that no women's breasts are the same on each side.  Even before my mastectomy they were not equal (they have pictures to prove it to me.  HaHa!)...so they will not be perfect afterwards, but they try their best to help them look as similar as possible.  I'm just happy that I can have reconstruction and that I can have somewhat normal breasts in the end.

I talked to them about my scars and how I can help them fade faster.  They recommend a 100% silicone product called, ScarAway.  It is sold at many local stores without a prescription.  This product can be used on any scar.  Whether it is a surgical scar (C-section, mastectomy, etc), burn, cut, etc.  I started using it yesterday.  I'll let you know how it works.

I have 2 more days until my next chemo treatment.  Ugh!  My parents are going to come down from Michigan to help this time so Kevan isn't having to help me all by himself.  I'm really looking forward to them coming.  It is always nice to have your mom with you when you are sick or need some extra love.   Also, wanted to mention that we were at Walmart Thursday night and I kept complaining about how bad my feet hurt.  I told Kev we needed to hurry because I didn't think I was going to be able to walk on them much longer.  I didn't know what was causing it.  Then, Kevan said he remembered that I had this problem after my 1st treatment.  I looked back in my journal and he is right.  There were a few days (starting at Day 15 both times) where I was begging him to give me foot massages.  He gives great foot massages.  So, apparently this is another chemo side effect.  But, it will subside I'm sure before my treatment in a few days.  Saturday night it was a lot better.

Gummy Bear Implant links:

http://www.drpfeifer.com/gummy-bear-implants-new-york-city.html

http://www.theplasticsurgerychannel.com/gummy-bear-implants-for-breast-reconstruction/

http://www.plasticsurgeryportal.com/articles/gummi-bear-breast-implants/113

6 Weeks Post-Op

As of yesterday, I am 6 week's post-op.  I am doing so much better physically.  I was able to fully clean my house last Saturday (mopping, vacuuming, etc) without much pain and it was wonderful to be able to do it on my own.  I really don't have pain unless I'm reaching...like when I clean our jacuzzi tub or help Kevan hold 2x4's above my head while he's putting up our deck roof.  Or if I'm bouncing...like when Kevan asked me to tow the tractor through the pasture using the 4-wheeler.  It was pretty bouncy and I didn't realize the pain I would be in until afterwards.  I am sleeping a lot better and have only been waking up once or twice a night.  I have gotten to the point now where I forget that I had surgery (if I don't look or feel) and the very painful first few weeks are almost a blur.  It is amazing how we can forget the pain.  I guess that is why women go on to have multiple babies even after a painful birth.  Thankfully, each day gets easier and the bad times are forgotten.

I will be starting chemo in 6 days!  I'm sort of freaking out.  Every day I try to cherish the hair I have because I know in a few VERY short weeks I won't have any.  This means head hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, nose hair, arm hair....you get the point.  :o)  Right now, my bad hair days are great days!  Also, I'm trying to think of everything I want to do before next Tuesday.  Just in case I have side effects I want to have the house clean, laundry done, work caught up and food ready.  I'm also hoping to make a bunch of frozen meals this weekend.  This worked out so well when I had surgery that I want to make sure we have things like this available again.  It is so easy for Kevan or I to grab a casserole out of the freezer, let it thaw during the day and then stick it in the oven.  Also, I like to throw all of our smoothie ingredients (homemade yogurt cubes, fruit, etc) into individual baggies so we just have to dump it in the blender for a quick breakfast or snack.  Kevan has reminded me how important antioxidants are right now and blueberries will definitely be in the baggies.  Also, while reading one of my breast cancer books I learned that yogurt is one of the top 5 best foods for hydration.  So, any help I can get there is great since I will already be pushing myself to drink more water.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon for another "fill".  Strange to type the words.  I have a "plastic surgeon".  I never thought I would write that.  I am so glad that God has gifted some doctors with the gift of plastic surgery.  I would be left with a very unflattering body if I had just had a mastectomy with no reconstruction.  I am blessed.  I know that a lot of surgeries are for cosmetic reasons, but I know they do huge miracles for some who were involved in accidents, have cancer, etc.  I've seen it first-hand with my brother.  He was in a car accident when we were in high school.  I made it to the hospital before they took him into surgery.  He went through the windshield and back out again (he wasn't wearing his seat belt).  You can imagine what that could do to someone's face.  It was awful to see him like that and I know it was even harder for him.  Today, he is just as handsome as he always was.  No one would even know that he was ever in an accident.  So, I am praying and holding onto miracles that I will look as good as I did before.  I wasn't perfect before so I am not looking for perfection.  I will even be okay with the scars if it means I will feel normal and look somewhat normal again.  Please God!  

Something I have not mentioned on my blog (I don't think) is that I have gained 10 pounds since my surgery.  I have no idea why.  Saline cannot weigh more than my old breast tissue, can it?  Maybe it's because I have not been doing much physical exercise, but I would've never imagined I would gain 10 pounds in 6 weeks!   So, not only am I unhappy with how I look due to surgery....now I am REALLY unhappy with how I look because I have gained weight.  Some have said I will lose it during chemo, but I have not been able to find evidence of that.  If I do....it will be one of the blessings of chemo.  I would love to lose about 20 pounds....and please no comments about how I don't need to lose weight.  I REALLY want to fit into my clothes and lately my clothes options are diminishing greatly.  I hate shopping...so I don't think clothing options will improve much unless I lose some weight. 

Tonight I will be teaching my very first adult bible study.  I'm pretty nervous.  I do NOT like to be in front of others so this is a huge step for me.  I already feel like I'm going to throw up.  lol!  Also, Kevan will be teaching a 5th/6th grade boys class for the first time.  We both need lots of prayer.  :o)

I don't really have much else going on.  For those who aren't on my Facebook the only other news this week is that the "wild" horse, that lives on our property sometimes, had her baby.  I've been praying for weeks that she would have her baby on our property so I could see it!  The baby is adorable, but this was the best picture I could get since they run when we approach them.  We bought some sweet feed and we are trying to lure her into being friends with us.

And the kitty that lives in our barn had kittens.  They have to be at least 4-6 weeks old since they are coming to the porch for dry food.  They run from us, but I'm hoping at some point they will let us pet them.  It isn't a great picture since I had to take it through the window, but you can still see their cuteness!  Also, we think Bob is the father and I am soooooo happy they all have tails....unlike Bob...who has a stub.  lol!

So, even through this difficult time...God is giving me little blessings.

Bad Bad Jayde!

Well, in my last post I mentioned how I was unhappy with my range of motion.  Well, turns out it isn't the tissue expander sutures at all.  Actually, it is my fault.  Oops!  I guess my sutures have already dissolved so I can't blame it on the sutures anymore.  Due to my lack of arm exercises I've developed scar tissue and that is what is pulling whenever I try to use my arms.  So, what did you learn?  DO YOUR EXERCISES!  Don't be Jayde.  She said that I should be able to still get back to where I used to be (she's seen worse!)...but I need to really start to do my exercises.  The sad thing is.....I read my doctor's email last night and um.....I have only done them once so far today and it is almost 8pm.  I guess I'd better get off of here and go do some exercises.

Also, wanted to ask for prayer for my N's again.  I don't want to go into too much detail (since men read this too!) but they need some prayer.  I guess I'm having blood flow problems again that is causing some pigment issues [update from Kev: there are actually no blood flow issues, Jayde has healed excellently with respect to that, the issue is that some of the healing areas do not have the same level of pigment, that is all, typical of scar tissue, Jayde just misunderstood that section of an email from her doctor].  :o(  My poor N's.  They've been through a lot.  They need prayer.  If you don't know what an "N" is....you can read this post.  I'm a little embarrassed using the "N" word so I just shortened it to "N's".  It just sounds so much better!

The doctor also told me why I'm having this weird feeling of cold sweat running down my underarm.  It is a strange sensation and there is nothing wet when I go to feel it.  I know, TMI.  Anyway, I'm not losing my mind.  It is the nerve sensation returning.  Yay!  Which is good news.  :o)

Each day I seem to feel better than the day before.  Which is such a blessing.  I slept better last night, but still had to keep waking up to reposition myself to help with the pain. I am so thankful though as it is not as bad as it has been.

7 more days until my next "fill" and 12 more days until chemo.  Eek!

5 Weeks Post-Op Update

It has been 5 weeks since my bilateral mastectomy/reconstruction surgery.  It feels like it has been longer than 5 weeks.  I haven't taken any pain medication (advil, aleve, etc) in over 5 days.  I still have pain, of course, but I can deal with it.  Since I've started back to work I've noticed that I have to get up and walk around every hour or two and stretch my muscles or my chest starts to really hurt.  I could probably take something, but my stomach was really having a rough time with the ibuprofen.  So, I decided the muscle/suture pain was not as bad as the stomach issues.  I'd rather just deal with the pain.

I am a little sad that I do not have the range of motion I would like.  When I put my arms over my head or try to stretch to get something I can feel something pulling in my chest and it is very painful.  I'm guessing it is the sutures for the tissue expanders.  I really really dislike tissue expanders.  I am thankful for them and their purpose, but I cannot imagine what it is going to be like to go through this pain, getting fills at the same time I'm doing chemo.  But, maybe the chemo will take my mind off of the TE's.  <Update - I provide an update here regarding my range of motion.  It wasn't due to the sutures.>

Chemo starts 2 weeks from today.  That means, my hair will start falling out in about 1 month. I made the mistake of researching the two drugs (cytoxan and taxotere) I will be getting in my chemo "cocktail" before I went to bed the other night.  NEVER do side effect research before going to bed.  It will just make you worry until you finally fall asleep from exhaustion.  I did learn a few things though.  Those that mentioned minimal side effects drank LOTS of water after their chemo infusions.  So, I will try to remember to drink water....I am not big on drinking anything.  I usually start with a drink in the morning and I'm still drinking the same one in the afternoon.  So, I will have to force myself.  Also, they said to use "Hard as Nails" to keep your fingernails from falling off.  I guess that is one of the side effects of one of the drugs and most of the posts I read...they lost their nails.  I will try that as well.  Also, I tried to find someone online with an Oncotype score of 70 (high risk of recurrence), but I couldn't find anyone mentioning that high of a score. 54 was the highest I saw and most were in the teens or 30's.  My age and that high score were the reasons I'm having to do so many rounds of chemo and Tamoxifen.  :o(  If anyone reading this is a breast cancer survivor with an Oncotype score as high (or close) to mine will you comment and let me know how long you've been in remission?  I'm just curious.

I am still waking up several times each night because of the pain from the TE's.  It is mostly because I try to lay on my side or I move my arms and the pain wakes me up.  I'm also still dreaming about removing whatever the bra is that is causing my chest pain.  lol!  You would think after 5 weeks my brain would realize it isn't a bra and it can't be removed, but I woke up trying to get it off again this morning.  I am literally using my arms to try to locate it to remove and I can't find it...that is when I wake up.  lol!  I'm no longer having bad dreams.  I'm guessing that was from the heavier pain meds or the valium I was taking.  I'm thankful I'm back to good dreams or the ones I don't remember.  Also, I still have to lock the cats out at night.  They used to sleep on my chest so obviously this is a huge issue and I get tired of fighting with them all night long and moving them.  I am surprised at how sore my chest is still when I push on it.  One really freaky thing is....if I scratch my nail over my breast skin....I can't feel it at all.  AT ALL!  There are no nerves left I guess.  Now, if I push on myself I can feel pressure, but it is not at all like it used to be.  :o(  It is just freaky. 

One wonderful thing about today is....Kevan gets home today!!  I cannot wait to see him and hear all about his mission trip.  I've really missed him.  It's been 10 days since I saw him last.  A very long 10 days.  He called me last night when he crossed the border back into the US.  It was great hearing his voice.  He sounded tired.  But, still excited from everything.  His phone was dying so we were only able to talk for a few minutes.

Started back to work....

I started back to work yesterday.  This probably means the blog posts will be fewer because I won't have much time.  I have been off for 5 weeks.  It is great to get back on my normal schedule.  I didn't realize how much I missed work and missed my co-workers until I started back yesterday.  It has been great to hear everyone's voice again.  Most of you know, I work from home.  I am really blessed that I can still recuperate at home and I don't have to rush to get ready, drive to work, etc.  I am feeling the "rush" of work already though.  lol!  But, it is a good thing.  Takes my mind of cancer, chemo and Kevan being gone.  I only have 19 days left until chemo starts.  Eek!

I am finally sleeping without having to prop myself up.....which is wonderful.  I'm sleeping pretty much straight with just two pillows under my head.  Hopefully, in a few days I'll be back to just one pillow.  I was able to finally sleep on my side a little last night.  Yay!  I am a stomach sleeper and, of course, I have not been able to sleep on my stomach.  I hate sleeping on my back so it was SO nice to finally be able to turn a little without much pain.  It did hurt after a while (I think it was the TE sutures pulling), but I was still excited to be able to do it even for a little bit.  Each day brings more things I can do once again.  It makes me appreciate all the little things that I took for granted before.

I haven't talked to Kevan since he arrived in Mexico.  It's been hard.  I can send him emails while he is there, but he has no way to reply.  I've been emailing him each day and they print it off and give it to him at breakfast.  If you are reading this and want to send him encouragement let me know (through email or FB) and I'll send you the email to send it to.  He would love to receive encouragement from others.  Hopefully, he's keeping a journal so he can remember the things he experienced and won't forget to tell me.  Also, some pictures have been uploaded to FB.  Here is a picture of Kevan praying over the town they will be ministering too.  A beautiful picture of my hubby doing one of the most incredible things that God has gifted us with.  Prayer.  We are so blessed that we can pray to God....the Creator of all things.  He listens, answers, loves and cares for us.  Amazing.

I don't really have much else going on.  No doctors appointments for 2 more weeks.  I still have quite a bit of pain in the afternoons, starting around 3pm.  Mornings are my best time.  Night time is a lot better and I'm able to sleep at least 4-5 hours now without waking up in pain.  I miss taking baths, I hate that I still have to take pain meds and I really hate that my chest feels like 2 big rocks (literally)!  I still wake up trying to figure out why I have a bra on and why my underwire is puncturing me.  Then, I realize, "Oh ya, that's not a bra, that is my body.  My weird freaky body".  lol!  But, I know this is only for a time.  So, I will just continue to pray for strength, healing and acceptance.  It is hard for me to accept.  Sometimes, I want to go backwards to when I looked normal, wasn't in pain and didn't know I had cancer.  It is strange that sometimes during the day I even stop and think "Really?  Is it true?  I have breast cancer and I've had a double mastectomy?"  I guess because it has only been a short time and this all happened so fast.  It is just hard to believe it's me with these 8 scars and more coming later during my final surgery. 

I feel like I'm whining.  Lol!  So, I better end this post.  I love you all and I thank you so much for your prayers for me and for Kevan.  

4 Weeks Post-Op and It is a Special Day

Today I am 4 weeks post-op.  Feels more like 6 weeks in some ways and 2 in others.  I'm still having good days and bad days & good nights and bad nights.  Two nights ago I slept the entire night without pain.  I had decided that the bra and the wrap had to go.  I always wear one or the other and they put pressure on my chest and also irritate my incisions so I decided to just wear a soft tank top.  I slept all night with no pain.  I was so excited!  But, I don't know if I overdid it yesterday or what but I had a terrible afternoon yesterday of pain, all night and this morning.  I just broke down and took a 1/2 a Valium to see if it would help the muscle pain.  So, if this post starts to become incoherent....it's the Valium.  :o)

I emailed my doctor to make sure it was okay to not wear a wrap or a bra since I had read online that some mastectomy/reconstruction patients were told they must at all times in order to provide support to their tissue expanders.  Well, she said since my TE's are sutured in I can go without support.  This was music to my ears!  I feel a lot better without all the pressure.   When I'm home or sleeping no more bra!  I know that is TMI, but I'm trying to help those other ladies out there who are struggling like me.  My doctor also told me to "Quit reading online!"  lol!  She explained that all doctors are different and each patient is different and if I have a question just email her.

Yesterday I spent the day with 4 wonderful ladies.  We took a scenic drive through one of the Smoky Mountain auto touring trails called, "Roaring Fork".  It was a beautiful drive and I love history so it was so fun to see the old cabins, barns and mills that they used to live in/use.  At one point I climbed into the front seat from the back (of course using my arms) and then crawled back to the backseat (so the ladies in the back wouldn't have to get out of the car to let me out).  It was a mistake.  It hurt.  So, that was stupid #1 yesterday.  Then, I carried around and took pictures the whole time with my big Nikon camera with the big lens.  I think it did a number on my pectorals (stupid #2).  Then, I put my purse in the far back of the car and then received a text that was noisy and wouldn't stop until it was acknowledged.  So, I reached back to get it and pulled my right pectoral muscle pretty good (stupid #3).  It still was a great day though (I saw another bear in the wild...about 10 feet from me) and it ended with one of my favorite things.....Strawberry Shortcake.  :o)  (My Valium is kicking in....I'm starting to feel a little better!)

Today is June 5th.  Two special things are happening today.  It is my parent's 41st Wedding Anniversary!  I wish I was there to celebrate it with them. 

I hope/pray that Kevan and I will be married at least 41 years.  I pray God heals me of this cancer (with no recurrences) so we can live out as best friends until we are old and gray.  It is so amazing and such a blessing to have parents that are still together and have been able to live out so many years as best friends who love each other.  Even through the bad times they always worked it out and their children saw their struggle, their forgiveness of each other (if it was needed) and their love through it all.  They were always very affectionate towards each other (and still are) and I've always loved that I have parents that aren't scared to show how much they care about each other.  God has surely blessed you both!  Also, growing up....there was hardly a night that they didn't tell me they loved me as I went to bed.  I'm thankful for the parents God gave me. 

Here is a funny picture of us when we were all much younger (before Tasha came along).  I am not at home so I couldn't find a family picture that Tasha was in too.  Oh, and yes....I'm the mushroom head.  lol!  Sorry mom...I know you say that haircut was really the rage back then, but I cannot believe a bowl cut was in style. 

The other special thing today is that my husband is at the Nashville airport getting ready to get on a plane to Mexico for our church mission trip to Tijuana.  Please pray for their safety, time there and that God will work in their hearts and the hearts of those they come in contact with. 

An Update from the Smokies

I'm sitting in a beautiful cabin near the Smoky Mountains while typing this.  My mother-in-law and  great-aunt in-laws are all here on vacation so I decided to stay with them while Kevan went on the mission trip to Mexico.  I thought it would be restful and wouldn't be alone so soon after surgery.  Here is the view from the upper deck of the cabin.  Beautiful!

I went to see my plastic surgeon on Friday for my 2nd tissue expander fill.  I was a little scared because the skin/expander felt so hard I thought she was going to tell me that I couldn't be expanded.  She was very positive about the left side getting expanded but not the right.  I even told her I didn't care if she put more in one side than the other since the left side is the one that looks so distorted...so it could only look better.  She brought the 60 cc syringes in and was able to get 40cc's on both.  I know I wanted 60, but I'm happy and I don't want to push it and be in pain because we rushed it.  I've heard online about women being too filled and having to go back to have some removed because the pain is so bad.  So, slower is probably good for me.  My next appointment is 6/21.  Since chemo is every 3 weeks and starts on 6/26 she wants me to come the week before chemo until we are done with the expansions.

Since this last expansion I think I look a lot better from the front.  Not so much like Frankenstein's bride.  lol!  But, the side view is not much to be desired.  lol!  But, it will all come together in time.  Thank the Lord for clothes!!  The best news of the day was that I'm allowed to wear deodorant again!  My husband is very happy.  Lol!  Also, I no longer have to bandage and use all of the medicated creams on my N's, incisions and drain scars.  From now on I will just need to use Aquifor on each area to keep it moist and to help with scarring.  Yay!  This makes me really happy and it won't take as long to get ready now.  It was taking us about 15-20 minutes every day just do to the medicating and bandaging.  Everything is healing really well.  The RN looked at Kevan and told him he did a wonderful job as my nurse because it all looks so good.  I praise God for my healing and your prayers to Him.  I have had no complications and I am so thankful for that. 

Some notes for me and for those that have expanders or implants:  She explained that because I no longer have feeling in this area (because the tissue, nerves, etc were removed) that when I go into the sun I won't be able to tell if my skin is getting hot.  So, since it is getting close to summer and I may go to the beach and wear a bathing suit, that I will need to put sunscreen on under my suit as well as on the non-covered skin.  She also said that the expanders and implants sort of absorb the sun instead of reflect it.  This is for life!  She said many women have been burned badly and blistered for not being aware of this.  I'm not much of a sun bather.  I usually sit under an umbrella reading at the beach anyway while Kevan enjoys the water.  He loves the water.  I'd rather be in the mountains than the beach.

Before Kevan dropped me off with my mother-in-law we stayed in a great bed & breakfast, Berry Springs B&B, in Sevierville, TN.  If you are in the area I highly recommend it.  Here is the view from the back deck.

The breakfast was wonderful.   They have a little hiking trail that takes you to 2 small ponds where you can fish (they let you use their fishing gear) or canoe.  They have bikes too if you want to ride around.  On the little trail we saw 6 bunnies.  They were so cute.  So, if you are married and you have to go through a double mastectomy/reconstruction....it doesn't mean you can't spend a romantic night away with your hubby a few weeks after surgery.  We had time the next day to take a drive around Cades Cove which is inside Smoky Mountain National Park.  We love it there.  We saw sever turkeys and deer which is what we always see and I have always wanted to see a bear.  Well, yesterday, I saw 3 bears!  First time in my life to see them in the wild.  I was getting teary eyed thinking about how much God has blessed me during this time.  One of the bears was about 4 feet from my face.  We saw him climbing on the side of the road when we drove by....he had the cutest little face, but when we turned around he was already gone.  I was still glad we saw him though and he was so close!  We really enjoyed our time together.  I'm already missing him and he hasn't even been gone 24 hours yet.  I'm a wimp.

Since my last post I have received a comment a few emails of people that read about the Spurgeon book on Heaven and either purchased it or are going to.  I was happy to hear it.  It will surely bless you and I know one of you already said it had.  :o)

Well, that is all for now.  My MIL and I are going to play some cards.  :o)

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Yesterday was a pretty big day.  A good day.  This will be a long post so I tried to divide it into little sections to make it easier to come back to if you want to read it, but can't read it all now.  

Before I get into what happened yesterday I want to say that I am excited to tell all of you that I was able to get out of bed all by myself today!  It was a HUGE milestone for me.  I am 15 days Post-Op and I know Kevan is very happy too.  I hated having to ask for help every time I need to get up, use the rest room or even adjust a little.  To me...I feel like it has been a lot longer than 15 days since my surgery, but it is good that the worst parts are over and 15 days is a pretty short time.  I think they were 2 of the most painful weeks of my life.  But, necessary ones and now looking back it doesn't seem as bad.

Also, as you read the below, "Miss L." is what I will call the RN that is at my Plastic Surgeon office.  She is wonderful and I thank God for her.  She is always smiling, reassuring, does her job well and just has a great personality.  RN just sounds too rough for such a sweet person.

Physical Therapist

I saw my PT.  She seemed to think I was doing a great job with my range of motion so far.  I admit that I am not good at doing my exercises (I'm sorry Ann N.!) so I was actually shocked that she said I was doing great.  She showed me some exercises I will need to start on Friday now that my drains are removed to help me get back to where I was before surgery and also to prevent lymphedema.  She also gave me my prescription for my pretty compression sleeves.  I will have to wear them when I fly, when I lift weights, do exercises, lift anything pretty heavy, etc.  This is all just a precaution so I don't develop lymphedema.  Since I've had 5 lymph nodes removed it is a risk.

When I saw Miss L. at the Plastic Surgeon she was not as impressed with my range of motion.  Dr. O (my plastic surgeon) is a strong supporter of immediate exercises right after surgery and that by 1 week post op I should be able to completely raise my arms above my head (with them completely straight) and touch my palms together.  I'm 15 days post op and I am not there yet.  I can do it, but my elbows are not straight.  So.....I hope/pray I get better at my exercises.

My N's

When I undressed and Miss L. (remember my doctor is on bed rest) saw my nipples she couldn't believe it.  The change was miraculous!  We all know why.  God healed them and supplied them with the blood flow they needed.  One of them was especially worrisome last week and now they both look just like they did pre-surgery (I get teary eyed just typing it I'm so happy).  Thank you all so much for your prayers for my "N's".  I am so so grateful.  I am also so thankful to my husband for his meticulous care he has taken with cleaning, medicating, bandaging my N's as well as my other incisions.  I know it is because of his great care too.  I was so scared I might lose one, but they both now have great blood flow to them.  Anyway, Miss L. was all smiles and was so excited for me.  She took pictures so she could send them to Dr. O and show her how much they improved.  I praise God for his blessing to me!

Drains

For those of you who have never had drains I will explain a little of the removal process.  If you have a weak stomach...skip this paragraph.  They are sutured in so that they don't get pulled while you have them in.  So, first, they remove the sutures.  This didn't hurt at all...just a little pinch here and there.  Miss L. then asked me to take two deep breaths, then breathe out a long breath.  As I breathed out the long breath she would pull and pull and pull on the drain until it was removed.  You can feel this big "snake" being pulled through the inside of your body until it is removed.  It is VERY freaky and there is some minor pain with it.  I hated it.  One of them I actually didn't even feel at all when she removed it.  It was awesome and then one was pretty painful and even hurt a little even after it was removed.  Kevan held my hand every time and watched them come out.  He said that the long tube for each is about 6-8 inches in the body.  Except one, it was about 12 inches.  Miss L. said it was the longest drain she had ever removed from someone.  I'm so special.  lol!  We had a lot of problems with this drain getting "clogged" too and hurting when Kevan would strip it, but it did finally start working okay.  It always burned inside my body though when he stripped it.  I hated that drain and I'm glad it is gone!  If you have to go through this and have drains it is a very annoying and uncomfortable part of the journey, but it is NECESSARY.  they don't really hurt unless you pull on your sutures, if one gets "cloggy" and when you get them out.  Don't be scared.  I actually will have to experience them again when I have my expander to implant exchange during my final reconstruction and although I'm really not looking forward to it I know it is necessary.  God will be with me again as he was this time.  I will be praying as I get them out (for strength) and I will be just as joyful when they are removed as I am today.  :o)

Expander Fill

Kevan took a picture of what the expander that is in my body looks like (see below).  It is sort of like an implant, that is rough feeling on the outside, with a big magnet in the middle (for the nurse to find where they need to insert the needle for each fill) and has 3 tabs on it that are used to suture it in place so it doesn't move around.

Yesterday I had my first fill.  Miss L. brought in two huge syringes with 60cc's of saline in both.  To give you an idea of 60cc's that is the amount that is in a shot glass.  Not much.  She finds the magnet and then takes a butterfly needle and inserts it into where it needs to be.  Then, uses the syringe to inject the saline.  At the same time she pushes around on the expander/breast to feel how full the skin is feeling.  When she did the left one I didn't feel anything at all.  Since they removed everything during the mastectomy it is normal to not have feeling.  When she did the right side I did feel a little pinch and she said it was probably the muscle that I was feeling.  It wasn't bad at all.  The sad part is.  I am so small framed and have such thin skin that she could only fill 30cc's in both.  :o(  This is going to be a long road getting to the final size.  But, I am grateful to have this option and that it is pretty much pain-free when I have the fill.  Now, the expander itself is NOT pain-free.  It feels like I have metal armor in my body under the skin and every time I move I can feel it.  Sometimes it is pretty painful and Miss L. said it was because of the tabs sutures.  

Also, if you see the picture on the right...that is what it looks like now, but on the inside.  Flat and ripply.  So, you can only imagine what it looks like on the outside.  :o(  Expanders are not made to help you look pretty.  They are only made to help expand the skin in order to do the final reconstruction of placing the implant.  So, it will always look ugly until the final exchange.  But, I'm thankful that it is possible and I will try my best to deal with the ugliness until then and pray that the final result will be pretty.  If everything goes well and looks good my next fill will be next Friday.

The fill makes me feel "full" and pretty achy.  I have 2 more days that my chest will have to continue to be "wrapped" once we do our normal care of the "wounds".  Then, on Friday I will be able to start wearing a bra for the first time since surgery (using gauze/medication still on the incisions).  I'm pretty excited to feel normal again and that I can wear a bra.  They let me pick out 3 cute ones that I will use from now on.  I love polka dots so I was pretty happy that one was available.  lol!  I know....TMI, but I was just so excited about the polka dots I had to share.  lol!  Now.....this is really hard on me.  I just had a double mastectomy and am going through the expander process.....so.....I am so embarrassed that I am "FLAT".  :o(  In a shirt....I look like a boy.  The bras are not the cute push-up ones you buy from Victoria Secret. So, I am a little sad about that and I will feel bad for Kevan that his wife looks like a boy in clothes, but I just keep telling myself it is only temporary. 

Pain

I now have to start weaning myself off of the great and wonderful pain medication.  This is good, but H-A-R-D.  I started last night.  Also, last night was the first night that Kevan and I slept in our bed together since my surgery.  It was nice to have him next to me again.  He said he would wake up to hear me moaning so he could tell I was in a lot of pain.  Which I was, but I don't remember moaning so I must have been asleep.  I am still in A LOT of pain this morning.  So much so that I don't even want to take my morning shower.  I just want to sit here in my robe and hold the stuffed kitty my dad bought me.  My chest is achy and where they removed the drains is hurting too.  I tend to walk around a little hunched over and clutch my chest as I'm walking.  I know I need to stop doing this.  It isn't good.  

Specific Prayer
I have a certain side affect from taking antibiotics 3 times a day for about 20 days.  A secondary infection of a particular type (that I won't name here) has developed and is causing me a great deal of discomfort.  Please pray this will go away quickly.  I'm not having such a good day today.  Also, the "glue" from my left biopsy incision has fallen off and looks really red and the incision looks like it is opening a little.  Miss L. seemed concerned so she wants us to watch it.

Conclusion

I am not allowed to do much of ANYTHING the next two days as my body gets used to not having the drains.  They don't want me to produce too much fluid yet.  My house is a wreck and I'm having a REALLY hard time with it, but I'm not allowed to clean it.  This morning, Kevan said, "It looks like a tornado hit our house last night and it only hit a few rooms.  We better call the weather service."  lol! He has to work so he won't be much help.  He said when he got up to go to the bathroom last night he could even see the mess in the dark and had to maze through it.  :o(  My poor house.  My MIL is going to try to come from Nashville tomorrow to help me.  I'm so thankful for her, but sad that she will have to drive so far just to help me clean my house.  She also let me bring her my laundry yesterday (Kevan carried it for me since I can't) and she washed it all for me (even folded and ironed it for me!) before we returned last night.  Thank you Judy.  I love you and am grateful for you.

Okay.  I don't think I can take type any longer.  I hope this helps someone that goes through this in the future and I know many of you just want to know how I'm doing.  I'm thankful for each of you.

In about 90 seconds.....I will be asleep.  I keep almost falling asleep typing this and Kevan keeps laughing at me.  lol!

Drains, Expanders and the "N" Word

Today started out as a really good day.  Kevan helped me get ready so we could head to Nashville for my first post-op visit with the plastic surgeon.  It is amazing how long it takes to get me ready.  The shower alone took us almost an hour because we have to work around the drains and I can't wash my own hair.  Kevan does a great job though.  I am so blessed to have him.  I went almost 6.5 hours without having to take a pain pill.  It felt great to not be dizzy, to feel normal, but to also not be in pain.

The good news is that I had 2 of my drains removed!  Praise God!  I only have 2 left.  I have to say that this was VERY weird and a little painful when she removed them.  I can't wait to have the other two out, but at the same time I'm not looking forward to the way it is done.  Kevan held my hand and they really are removed in about 20 seconds, but it is something I hope I will never have to experience again once I'm done with the remaining two.

Each week I will go into the plastic surgeon and she will add saline to each tissue expander until we reach the desired size.  Think Reese Witherspoon....NOT Pamela Anderson!  There is a little magnetic area in the expander that helps her find the area where she needs to insert the needle and inject the saline.  It is all a pretty cool invention for women like me who have to have a mastectomy but still want to look normal. Although, the explander is really uncomfortable and un-natural looking.  Unfortunately, today, she said I was healing well, but not healed enough to have my first "fill".  I was disappointed that she didn't do a fill, but I don't want to rush it if she doesn't feel I'm ready yet.  

Now, there are two areas that are a little concerning that I need prayer specifically for.  I feel guilty asking for prayer since I know so many are already praying for me and there is no way I can make up for all the prayers that have already been prayed over me and here I am asking for more prayers.  First, my nipple.  Yes, I said the "N" word.  When I had my mastectomy last week I was a candidate for a skin and "nipple-sparing" mastectomy...this means I get to keep my own nipples and will not have to have them made surgically.  One of them is looking really good.  The other one does not have good color.  I think my grandma in heaven cannot believe I am talking about nipples right now, but God asks us to pray about all things.  So, please pray for this nipple to start responding well, receive the blood flow that it needs and that the color will start looking better.  PLEASE!!!  I know God can do a miracle and I could wake up tomorrow and it be just the way it needs to be.

Second, there is a place on my left breast where my skin is very thin.  The expander, since it isn't full yet, is "rippling" and causing a place to form that could have potential to be worse.  Please pray that the skin here will start to thicken and/or the expander would stop pressing so much in this area.  We have to continue to watch this area to make sure it doesn't get worse.

Lastly, due to all of the antibiotics I'm taking, I've developed thrush.  The doctor has given me a pill and a rinse that should help it go away.  It doesn't hurt very much unless I drink something too cold or if I brush my teeth.  

Jeremiah 17:14 - Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved,  for you are the one I praise.

Bi-Lateral Mastectomy - Post-Op Day 3

Today is my 3rd day post-op.  Kevan woke me up throughout the night to give me my pain meds, but my 6am dose was forgotten.  He thought my mom was going to be giving it to me so it was a misunderstanding.  So, when I woke up at about 8 I was in a pretty good amount of pain.  Once Kevan gave it to me though it only took about 20 minutes to start working.  Today the muscle pain is starting.  It is bad when I'm not medicated.  Since the pectoral muscle was cut on both sides in order to place the tissue expander behind the muscle I have muscle spasms.  The doctor gave me Valium for this, but I can only take it every 6 hours.  After about 4 hours I start to feel the spasms and I am ready to take it again at 6 hours.  I am amazed at myself that I am actually taking my pain meds.  Usually, I will just suffer in pain if I have a headache, cramps, etc.  But, this is a whole different kind of pain so I am happy to take the medication.

In the following paragraph...I don't really want to be this honest, but I want to prepare other women that might go through this since I wasn't prepared for what I was going to see.  So, I'm going to lay it all out for those women and hope that ya'll won't look at me funny when you see me in person.  It is only temporary.  God has the power to heal me and make me look pretty again.  I am clinging to His miracles and hoping for one.

Some of you may already have read my Facebook yesterday about seeing myself for the first time once Kevan removed the bandages from my chest.  It was VERY emotional.  I saw a little at the hospital, but I didn't have a mirror so seeing it all was awful.  I was going to show my mom, but decided I didn't want to subject her to the memory of it.  It is that bad.  I'm not even going to look again.  I could hardly stop crying and even cried to the nurse that called from the Plastic Surgeon's office.  I don't think they prepared me enough on how bad it was going to look as far as bruising, certain skin has turned black (due to lack of blood flow) and the tissue expanders are very easy to see at this point so my skin is lumpy.  It is very unnatural looking.  I immediately texted Kevan's cousin who has also went through this and she assured me that this is temporary and it will get better each time I see my surgeon and once I receive my implants (after chemo) it will look great.  Thank you Alicia for being there for me yesterday.  Each week I will see the plastic surgeon to have a "fill" of saline and it will start to look better, but at this point it is hard to imagine.  Please pray that once this is over that I will be happy with the outcome.  I feel so bad for Kevan.  I wish I could hire a nurse to come and change my bandages just so he wouldn't have to see it.

UPDATE: Here is an update after my final reconstruction. I'm very happy with the results.  You just have to have hope.  Everything will work out.  Pray and ask God for strength.

Ladies, be happy with what God has given you.  I was perfect before but didn't appreciate it or realize it.  You are beautiful and wonderfully made by God.  Thank God for what you have and that you are cancer free.

I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers and balloons yesterday from Kevan and his mom.  So sweet of them.  Sorry for the cat tree behind them, but I can't lift them to move them to a prettier spot.

 

Also, my dad bought me the cutest little kitty.  He knew that my cats will have to stay away from me while I have my drains.  So, he gave me one and I will always think of him when I see this little kitties cute face.  I LOVE HER!  You can't tell from the picture but she has pretty blue eyes.  :o)

I'm looking forward to my first plastic surgeon visit next Wednesday.  I will see my oncological surgeon and physical therapist as well.

This is one of my bad days.  Breast cancer sucks.