6-Weeks Post Reconstruction and a BIG Praise

I haven't had much time to post lately.  I have a lot going on.  I'm back at work and takes up most of my time.  I was scared that it would be hard to get back in the "groove", but it wasn't hard at all.  Actually, I love my job so much (programming and designing reports) that sometimes I want to work into the night.  lol!  Kevan has to remind me to stop.  Also, I'm teaching a Wednesday night women's bible study now on the book of Luke (the ministry of Christ) so I am doing quite a bit of preparation each day for that study.  I love researching and preparing for the study, but I still have a hard time with the actual leading of the study since I am an introvert and all eyes are on me.  I'm hoping that it will get better as time goes on.  It still scares me to death each week. 

Arms/Chest Muscles
My body has healed very well since my surgery.  I am feeling great.  The only thing that has been bothering me are my arms and chest muscles.  For example, I cannot stir like I used to.  I used to make up batter (cookies, cakes, etc) and stir them...but now....those chest muscles hurt A LOT when I do that so now I have to lug out the stand mixer.  If I end up stirring manually I have muscles spasms the next day.  Also, the other day Kevan opened the kitchen window and when I went to shut it the muscle pain in my chest was awful.  It feels like something is tearing.  So, I'm going to talk to the doctor about exercises I need to be doing.  I also reached out to the personal trainer I used to go to in Orlando (Hi Rena!) and we might have some FaceTime sessions so I can learn some arm/chest/back exercises to help me.  I will let you know how that goes and if this pain gets better.  I pray it does!  Farm chores will be really hard in the spring/summer if I can't get these muscles back to where they used to be.

The other thing that has been happening the last few days is nerve pain in my underarm/breast area.  Kevan thinks this is my nerves growing back....which would be a HUGE blessing.  I had a similar pain in my arm when I had the mastectomy and the doctor said it was the nerves growing back.  It makes me sad that I have no feeling in my chest.  Really sad actually.  I have prayed a lot about it and asked God to give me back the feeling back.  So, even though the nerve pain is pretty painful I'm thinking it is a blessing.  I'll talk to the doctor about it when I see him in 2 weeks.  Hoping/praying some feeling is coming back.  :o)  Since it is happening on both sides I don't think it is anything serious going on.

Other Updates
 I finished chemo on 8/28/2012....almost 5 months ago.  I still have no period.  :o(  The doctor said if it doesn't return within a year that it, most likely, won't ever return.  I have been praying a lot about it and hoping it will return.  Before I had cancer I prayed daily about having a child and hoped that God would give us one, but each month my period would be a reminder that God still had not answered that prayer.  Then, I finally asked God that if He wasn't going to give us a child through me (maybe we will adopt) that He would take away my ability to have children so I wouldn't have a constant reminder of it.  Maybe this is Him removing that reminder.  Funny how I thought it would be better, but now I am still reminded because I don't have my period.  Go figure.  :o( 

BIG Praise
Kevan interviewed with a company in Los Angeles, CA a couple times.  The interviews went well and they called his references.  We continued to pray that he would get this job because it was 90% work from home and only 10% travel to LA.  It was also, mostly, what he wanted to do.  Well, they called and said he didn't get the job.  Then, 2 days later they called to let Kevan know that they wanted to create a position JUST FOR HIM...doing something he is very skilled at.  The other job included this skill, but it was the primary thing he would be doing, but he wished it was.  So, when they called and said they wanted to create a position just for him he told them he was interested.  Well, they called yesterday and offered him the job!  He took it and he will be traveling to LA in a week or so to start his new job!  We are so excited.  I prayed so hard that God would give him a job that he would love and it is exactly what he wants to do and what he is skilled at.  The best part.....God had them create this job just for Kevan.  That is just awesome!  God is so good!

Well, Kevan and I are heading out to go to the Nashville RV show so we can dream.  We have been dreaming of owning an RV since 2003 when we were dating.  We love camping and traveling.  We've never found a used one that we felt God was calling us to buy.  We couldn't afford a new one.  Maybe today will be the day.  :o) 

I pray God blesses you all today!

Bye Bye Brain Fog

Warning - there is a picture at the bottom of my arm blister that I received in the hospital from my PICC line tape.  If you are queasy from seeing things like this you will want to stop reading before the picture.

Today is a great day and I found out my blood counts were good yesterday!  Praise God that our prayers were answered.  No hospital stay this time! 

A day that begins with coffee and quiet time in the morning is a great day to me.  I haven't been able to drink coffee or read my bible/devotional in many days and it brings me a lot of joy when I can start my day off well.  Going through the chemo brain fog has shown me how special the moments without brain fog really are.  I love my mornings with coffee and God.  I miss them when it doesn't happen.  I start to feel sad and without hope when days have gone by without any study or reading.  I can feel myself getting depressed and scared that things won't get better.  But, they do get better and God waits on me to "wake up" and spend time with Him again. 

It is hard to explain the chemo brain fog, but on those days I feel like I'm wandering around drugged.  I'm dizzy, I can't walk well and I can hardly have a conversation.  About 6 years ago, I had a cold and took an over the counter cough medication.  I woke up in the middle of the night feeling very strange.  I woke Kevan up and accused him of drugging me and even asked him if he was trying to kill me.  LOL!  He was a little offended that I accused him.  lol!  Then, it occurred to me that I had taken 2 TABLEspoons of medication instead of 2 TEAspoons.  I got up and called the poison control hotline to find out if I was going to be okay.  They let me know that I would feel like I was in a state of "euphoria" most of the day, but it would eventually wear off.  I literally sat on the couch staring into space.  I couldn't work, watch TV....I just stared.  The room was moving, I was in slow motion, it was awful.  It was the weirdest experience.  I hated it.  That is how I feel on chemo.  Out of my mind. 

This week was a hard week.  Even Kevan found himself depressed from it all and we even had a fight on my worst day.  Which, he apologized for later and I couldn't even remember it....he had to remind me.  That is how out of it I was.  I know it is hard for him to see his wife so out of it, not able to walk, needing help to the bathroom, bald, pale and crying because she thinks all of her brain cells have died and she'll never get them back.  I don't like asking for help or needing help.  So, I have a hard time with thinking Kevan should automatically know what I need.  He's so smart....why doesn't he know?  I'm sorry babe.  I know you have a lot of work right now, all of your lawn equipment (tractor, mower, etc) have decided to die at the worst time and your wife wants you to be exactly what she needs.  All I can do is pray for us and pray that we become closer through this.  I love you and even though you might not be good at domestic duties you do a good job as nurse (if I let you know what I need).  :o)   If you are a woman going through this try and remember that your hubby is going through this too.  Although, he doesn't know how you feel or exactly what you are going through...he is going through loss as well.  Loss of the life you had, loss of his wife currently and the support she used to provide.  I know this is only for a season and God will get us through this, but it is hard.  I have to remind myself when I'm frustrated with him and he's not reading my mind that it's okay.  I just have to open my mouth and tell him what I need.  Just like I do with God.  God wants me to ask for what I need.  So, does my husband.  I don't know why God didn't make men better mind readers....but....He didn't.  lol!
 
Have I mentioned the HOT FLASHES!  Well....they are horrible!!  I go from cold to hot flash about every 30 minutes.  All night long....all day long.  Covers on me at night....then covers off me....back on....back off.  Ugh!  It is hard to sleep.  During the day I pull my head covering off to get relief and at night I haven't been wearing one at all (since Kevan is asleep my bald head can't bother him.  lol).  This is part of the pre-menopause the doctor warned me about.  I wonder how long it is going to last.  It is awful.  Also, I thought the bone pain was over (from the Neulasta shot)....I was wrong.  I had the back splitting pelvic bone pain again last night.  Since my counts were good yesterday I went ahead and took an Aleve.  It helped enough for me to get some sleep.  I can still feel it today, but it isn't so bad...I can deal with it.  Today, I have been able to make breakfast and do a little laundry.  Even though my mind is clearer I still have episodes where I get dizzy and will have to sit down for a period of time.  I don't know if it is me overdoing it or if it is normal.  Also, like last chemo treatment my underarms are swelling again and it is becoming painful for me to lift my arms.  I am taking an antibiotic that the oncologist gave me for this...so it is better than last time, but still painful and it makes it hard for me to do my scar banding exercises....which I already try to procrastinate on. 

One thing I wanted to document that I have been forgetting about.  Below is a picture of the blister that I received from the PICC line tape when it pulled at my skin when I was in the hospital.  This happens when you have chemo and your skin is not as strong as it used to be.  I am not allergic to tape...it was just due to the "pulling" and the skin could not hold up.

Here is a picture of it today.  3 weeks later.  The first couple of days we kept it bandaged and put silvadine on it (leftover from my surgery).  We made sure not to tape my skin, but only to tape the bandage.  Then, once it stopped bleeding and the blister got better I just used Aquafor or Cetaphil on it each day since the doctor told me to use them on my mastectomy/biopsy/drain scars as well.  A couple days after my last chemo treatment it was VERY red, but it has since faded to a dark pink.  Hopefully, in a few more weeks it will be gone.

I guess I don't have anything else today.  Just trying to do some household chores so I can move around and hoping I feel well enough to go out with my hubby tonight for dinner.  I want to feel normal again.

Day 15-17 After Chemo: Starting to feel myself again

I've been feeling a lot better.  Besides having a daily headache I've been doing really well.  Tuesday I was able to take a walk with my hubby.  I think we walked about 1.5 miles.  We just walked down the road to a pretty bridge over Mountain Creek and then back home.  I wanted to keep up walking each day, but we had to head to Nashville again Tuesday night for doctor's appointments yesterday so I didn't walk.  Then, this morning it is raining so I might have to actually use my treadmill.  :o)  I think today is the first day that I have baked since before my surgery.  A very sweet friend brought us a basket full of fresh veggies from their garden and also freshly-picked blueberries.  So, I ground some Ezekiel flour and made some Ezekiel muffins with the blueberries for breakfast.  It was nice to bake again.  I'm going to try to get up the energy to make some bread today too.

Tuesday we went to the American Cancer Society to see what head coverings and wigs they had.  They only had about 25-30 wigs and most of them were gray haired or very short haired.  There was only one blonde one that didn't have bangs so I ended up taking that one home.  It was free!  Also, women can donate their left over head coverings so I was able to look through to see if anything appealed to me.  I chose a black headband to wear under my head coverings and a floral turban type to wear to bed.  Kevan didn't like it the looks of it, but it was comfortable to sleep in.  I might have to get my sewing machine out and sew up a simple beanie cap for bed.  Here is a picture of the free wig they gave me. 

I went to the oncological surgeon yesterday so he could look at my swollen underarms.  He said that he didn't want to do anything about it right now.  Sometimes, when they lance them or drain them it can become infected and create a bigger problem.  So, I'm supposed to continue the antibiotic to see if it improves.  It is amazing how much chemo can mess up a body.  I never thought I would end up with big lumps under my arms.  It actually seems worse today than it was yesterday.  I'm pretty worried about it getting bad again after chemo Tuesday.  But, I'll continue to pray and ask God to help it go back to normal. 

I also had another appointment with my Physical Therapist.  She measured my arms.  Before surgery my right arm was 1% larger than my left.  Now, it is 6% larger so she believes it is the beginning of lymphedema in my right arm.  I was so scared of this and talked it over with my doctor's several times prior to surgery.  They told me over and over again not to worry that I was young & thin and I wasn't high risk.  So, I okay'd the sentinel node biopsies (which came back cancer free).  Well, now I'm being fitted for the compression sleeve/glove and will have to wear it every day for the rest of my life.  I'm pretty sad about it.  I will also be seeing a PT near our home to have massaging done and learn exercises for it.

Over the last few days I have realized how much my husband is being affected by a lot of this and sometimes I don't take him into consideration.  I need to remind myself that this is hard on him too.  His wife has gained 20 pounds in 2 months.  She can't fit into her cute clothes anymore.  She's had her breasts removed and hard expanders added, she has scarring, is not feeling well most of the time and she doesn't have the energy to just up and go.  The thing that really woke me up to this is that I am okay with my bald head.  I don't mind walking around the house, going out to get the mail and I probably would be okay going around town like this just to shock people.  LOL!  But, he doesn't feel the same way.  He wants his pretty wife back.  We went out to dinner on Tuesday night and I just wore a scarf.  I didn't feel like putting a wig on.  Once we got there I could tell it bothered him.  I talked with him about it and he asked if I could wear my wig when we go out, at least until he was used to it.  So, even though I'm okay with not having hair he is the one that has to look at it all the time.  I need to be sensitive to that.  When I'm around the house he wants me to wear a head covering.  I understand.  He doesn't want to lose his sexy wife and it seems each week he's losing a little piece of her.  Hopefully, when we are through this journey I'll be able to fit into my skinny clothes again, my scars will fade, my long hair will grow back just as pretty and I will have the energy to go hiking and do fun things as a couple again.  For now, with the things I can control (head coverings/wigs)...I need to give in a little for him.  So, if you are going through this and you are married...remember your husband wants his sexy wife....so on your good days....try to be what he needs.

I don't really have much else to write about.  I am hoping to get caught up on housework between naps today so my house will be in order before I get chemo again on Tuesday.  Man, I am dreading Tuesday.  :o(

Started back to work....

I started back to work yesterday.  This probably means the blog posts will be fewer because I won't have much time.  I have been off for 5 weeks.  It is great to get back on my normal schedule.  I didn't realize how much I missed work and missed my co-workers until I started back yesterday.  It has been great to hear everyone's voice again.  Most of you know, I work from home.  I am really blessed that I can still recuperate at home and I don't have to rush to get ready, drive to work, etc.  I am feeling the "rush" of work already though.  lol!  But, it is a good thing.  Takes my mind of cancer, chemo and Kevan being gone.  I only have 19 days left until chemo starts.  Eek!

I am finally sleeping without having to prop myself up.....which is wonderful.  I'm sleeping pretty much straight with just two pillows under my head.  Hopefully, in a few days I'll be back to just one pillow.  I was able to finally sleep on my side a little last night.  Yay!  I am a stomach sleeper and, of course, I have not been able to sleep on my stomach.  I hate sleeping on my back so it was SO nice to finally be able to turn a little without much pain.  It did hurt after a while (I think it was the TE sutures pulling), but I was still excited to be able to do it even for a little bit.  Each day brings more things I can do once again.  It makes me appreciate all the little things that I took for granted before.

I haven't talked to Kevan since he arrived in Mexico.  It's been hard.  I can send him emails while he is there, but he has no way to reply.  I've been emailing him each day and they print it off and give it to him at breakfast.  If you are reading this and want to send him encouragement let me know (through email or FB) and I'll send you the email to send it to.  He would love to receive encouragement from others.  Hopefully, he's keeping a journal so he can remember the things he experienced and won't forget to tell me.  Also, some pictures have been uploaded to FB.  Here is a picture of Kevan praying over the town they will be ministering too.  A beautiful picture of my hubby doing one of the most incredible things that God has gifted us with.  Prayer.  We are so blessed that we can pray to God....the Creator of all things.  He listens, answers, loves and cares for us.  Amazing.

I don't really have much else going on.  No doctors appointments for 2 more weeks.  I still have quite a bit of pain in the afternoons, starting around 3pm.  Mornings are my best time.  Night time is a lot better and I'm able to sleep at least 4-5 hours now without waking up in pain.  I miss taking baths, I hate that I still have to take pain meds and I really hate that my chest feels like 2 big rocks (literally)!  I still wake up trying to figure out why I have a bra on and why my underwire is puncturing me.  Then, I realize, "Oh ya, that's not a bra, that is my body.  My weird freaky body".  lol!  But, I know this is only for a time.  So, I will just continue to pray for strength, healing and acceptance.  It is hard for me to accept.  Sometimes, I want to go backwards to when I looked normal, wasn't in pain and didn't know I had cancer.  It is strange that sometimes during the day I even stop and think "Really?  Is it true?  I have breast cancer and I've had a double mastectomy?"  I guess because it has only been a short time and this all happened so fast.  It is just hard to believe it's me with these 8 scars and more coming later during my final surgery. 

I feel like I'm whining.  Lol!  So, I better end this post.  I love you all and I thank you so much for your prayers for me and for Kevan.  

4 Weeks Post-Op and It is a Special Day

Today I am 4 weeks post-op.  Feels more like 6 weeks in some ways and 2 in others.  I'm still having good days and bad days & good nights and bad nights.  Two nights ago I slept the entire night without pain.  I had decided that the bra and the wrap had to go.  I always wear one or the other and they put pressure on my chest and also irritate my incisions so I decided to just wear a soft tank top.  I slept all night with no pain.  I was so excited!  But, I don't know if I overdid it yesterday or what but I had a terrible afternoon yesterday of pain, all night and this morning.  I just broke down and took a 1/2 a Valium to see if it would help the muscle pain.  So, if this post starts to become incoherent....it's the Valium.  :o)

I emailed my doctor to make sure it was okay to not wear a wrap or a bra since I had read online that some mastectomy/reconstruction patients were told they must at all times in order to provide support to their tissue expanders.  Well, she said since my TE's are sutured in I can go without support.  This was music to my ears!  I feel a lot better without all the pressure.   When I'm home or sleeping no more bra!  I know that is TMI, but I'm trying to help those other ladies out there who are struggling like me.  My doctor also told me to "Quit reading online!"  lol!  She explained that all doctors are different and each patient is different and if I have a question just email her.

Yesterday I spent the day with 4 wonderful ladies.  We took a scenic drive through one of the Smoky Mountain auto touring trails called, "Roaring Fork".  It was a beautiful drive and I love history so it was so fun to see the old cabins, barns and mills that they used to live in/use.  At one point I climbed into the front seat from the back (of course using my arms) and then crawled back to the backseat (so the ladies in the back wouldn't have to get out of the car to let me out).  It was a mistake.  It hurt.  So, that was stupid #1 yesterday.  Then, I carried around and took pictures the whole time with my big Nikon camera with the big lens.  I think it did a number on my pectorals (stupid #2).  Then, I put my purse in the far back of the car and then received a text that was noisy and wouldn't stop until it was acknowledged.  So, I reached back to get it and pulled my right pectoral muscle pretty good (stupid #3).  It still was a great day though (I saw another bear in the wild...about 10 feet from me) and it ended with one of my favorite things.....Strawberry Shortcake.  :o)  (My Valium is kicking in....I'm starting to feel a little better!)

Today is June 5th.  Two special things are happening today.  It is my parent's 41st Wedding Anniversary!  I wish I was there to celebrate it with them. 

I hope/pray that Kevan and I will be married at least 41 years.  I pray God heals me of this cancer (with no recurrences) so we can live out as best friends until we are old and gray.  It is so amazing and such a blessing to have parents that are still together and have been able to live out so many years as best friends who love each other.  Even through the bad times they always worked it out and their children saw their struggle, their forgiveness of each other (if it was needed) and their love through it all.  They were always very affectionate towards each other (and still are) and I've always loved that I have parents that aren't scared to show how much they care about each other.  God has surely blessed you both!  Also, growing up....there was hardly a night that they didn't tell me they loved me as I went to bed.  I'm thankful for the parents God gave me. 

Here is a funny picture of us when we were all much younger (before Tasha came along).  I am not at home so I couldn't find a family picture that Tasha was in too.  Oh, and yes....I'm the mushroom head.  lol!  Sorry mom...I know you say that haircut was really the rage back then, but I cannot believe a bowl cut was in style. 

The other special thing today is that my husband is at the Nashville airport getting ready to get on a plane to Mexico for our church mission trip to Tijuana.  Please pray for their safety, time there and that God will work in their hearts and the hearts of those they come in contact with. 

An Update from the Smokies

I'm sitting in a beautiful cabin near the Smoky Mountains while typing this.  My mother-in-law and  great-aunt in-laws are all here on vacation so I decided to stay with them while Kevan went on the mission trip to Mexico.  I thought it would be restful and wouldn't be alone so soon after surgery.  Here is the view from the upper deck of the cabin.  Beautiful!

I went to see my plastic surgeon on Friday for my 2nd tissue expander fill.  I was a little scared because the skin/expander felt so hard I thought she was going to tell me that I couldn't be expanded.  She was very positive about the left side getting expanded but not the right.  I even told her I didn't care if she put more in one side than the other since the left side is the one that looks so distorted...so it could only look better.  She brought the 60 cc syringes in and was able to get 40cc's on both.  I know I wanted 60, but I'm happy and I don't want to push it and be in pain because we rushed it.  I've heard online about women being too filled and having to go back to have some removed because the pain is so bad.  So, slower is probably good for me.  My next appointment is 6/21.  Since chemo is every 3 weeks and starts on 6/26 she wants me to come the week before chemo until we are done with the expansions.

Since this last expansion I think I look a lot better from the front.  Not so much like Frankenstein's bride.  lol!  But, the side view is not much to be desired.  lol!  But, it will all come together in time.  Thank the Lord for clothes!!  The best news of the day was that I'm allowed to wear deodorant again!  My husband is very happy.  Lol!  Also, I no longer have to bandage and use all of the medicated creams on my N's, incisions and drain scars.  From now on I will just need to use Aquifor on each area to keep it moist and to help with scarring.  Yay!  This makes me really happy and it won't take as long to get ready now.  It was taking us about 15-20 minutes every day just do to the medicating and bandaging.  Everything is healing really well.  The RN looked at Kevan and told him he did a wonderful job as my nurse because it all looks so good.  I praise God for my healing and your prayers to Him.  I have had no complications and I am so thankful for that. 

Some notes for me and for those that have expanders or implants:  She explained that because I no longer have feeling in this area (because the tissue, nerves, etc were removed) that when I go into the sun I won't be able to tell if my skin is getting hot.  So, since it is getting close to summer and I may go to the beach and wear a bathing suit, that I will need to put sunscreen on under my suit as well as on the non-covered skin.  She also said that the expanders and implants sort of absorb the sun instead of reflect it.  This is for life!  She said many women have been burned badly and blistered for not being aware of this.  I'm not much of a sun bather.  I usually sit under an umbrella reading at the beach anyway while Kevan enjoys the water.  He loves the water.  I'd rather be in the mountains than the beach.

Before Kevan dropped me off with my mother-in-law we stayed in a great bed & breakfast, Berry Springs B&B, in Sevierville, TN.  If you are in the area I highly recommend it.  Here is the view from the back deck.

The breakfast was wonderful.   They have a little hiking trail that takes you to 2 small ponds where you can fish (they let you use their fishing gear) or canoe.  They have bikes too if you want to ride around.  On the little trail we saw 6 bunnies.  They were so cute.  So, if you are married and you have to go through a double mastectomy/reconstruction....it doesn't mean you can't spend a romantic night away with your hubby a few weeks after surgery.  We had time the next day to take a drive around Cades Cove which is inside Smoky Mountain National Park.  We love it there.  We saw sever turkeys and deer which is what we always see and I have always wanted to see a bear.  Well, yesterday, I saw 3 bears!  First time in my life to see them in the wild.  I was getting teary eyed thinking about how much God has blessed me during this time.  One of the bears was about 4 feet from my face.  We saw him climbing on the side of the road when we drove by....he had the cutest little face, but when we turned around he was already gone.  I was still glad we saw him though and he was so close!  We really enjoyed our time together.  I'm already missing him and he hasn't even been gone 24 hours yet.  I'm a wimp.

Since my last post I have received a comment a few emails of people that read about the Spurgeon book on Heaven and either purchased it or are going to.  I was happy to hear it.  It will surely bless you and I know one of you already said it had.  :o)

Well, that is all for now.  My MIL and I are going to play some cards.  :o)

How God Prepared Me in Advance

As I look back and reflect over the last few years I can see God preparing me (and Kevan) for my breast cancer diagnosis.  I know that this may sound strange to some of you, but without certain events in my life I don’t think I would have been as strong and as accepting of the diagnosis I received on April 6. 2012.  I see now that God strengthened our marriage, worked in my heart to bring me closer to Him through His Word and comforted me through a book I read within weeks of my diagnosis.  I'm sorry this is so long, but it's my story and I tend to be wordy.

Preparing our Marriage

Several years ago, in 2010, Kevan and I went through a rough time in our marriage.  As some of you know, we haven’t been able to have children.  Infertility is very hard on a marriage.  God has instilled in most women a yearning to be a mother and sometimes it can be overwhelming and sometimes husband's just don't understand those feelings.  I believe, at this point we had been off birth control for almost 4 years and had not conceived.  I wanted a baby and could think of nothing else.  Kevan wanted only what God wanted for us and if he didn’t give us a child then so be it.  I felt like we were both getting old and I didn’t have much time left.  Everyone I knew was having babies, all of our friends had children and we no longer fit in.  Kevan worked outside the home at that time and I would cry some days while he was away at work and not tell him when he got home that I had had an emotional breakdown for most of the day.  Kevan and I are best friends and throughout our marriage we have always been able to communicate, but during this time our communication with each other broke down.  I was feeling like he didn’t love me because I wanted to see a fertility doctor or look into adoption and he wasn’t ready for either.  He wanted to wait on God.  I began pushing him away.   He started to feel me pushing him away so he was trying to grasp on tighter to me and I felt like I was drowning.  Normally, we do everything together and I was finding myself stealing away to my bedroom to get away from him, going places alone and dreaming of a life where I had a family, not necessarily with him in it.  I stopped reading my bible and praying because I didn’t understand why God wouldn’t “make” Kevan listen.  Lol!  I am ashamed to admit this, but at this point in my life I wanted to do anything I could to have a family and if Kevan wasn’t going to help me why was I with him?  I had questions in my head, “Should I divorce him and find someone that wants to adopt children?  Is there someone out there that would love me enough to go through all the fertility tests?”  I was desperate.

I decided to see a Christian counselor so I could talk freely about the thoughts that I was having because I didn’t want Kevan to know that I really was so desperate that I wanted to leave him.  I was very honest with the counselor and it was a relief to get it off my chest.  Kevan started coming with me and even though the counselor didn't provide us with much insight it MADE us communicate with each other.  Kevan still did not understand why I was making such a big deal about not having children and like Hanna's husband in the bible didn't understand why he wasn't enough for me.  Things started getting better and Kevan agreed that we could start seeing an fertility specialist.  In the end, we found out that there is nothing physically wrong with either of us, but my heart just needed to know this.  It still meant a lot to me that he was willing to go through it with me.  I needed him to support me and he did.  Now, I knew, nothing was wrong with me, we just needed to continue to wait on God to give us our own child and/or pray whether adoption is His plan for us. 

Once we were through these dark days I realized how much I loved this man and how much he loves me.  I mean, I loved him before, but now I knew in my heart that I would never want anyone else.  He went through something he was not comfortable with (fertility tests, shots, “samples”) just for me and he went to all the appointments with me.  He listened, he took notes, asked questions....he was there for me even though I knew he didn't really want to be.  But, that was okay.  It really meant so much to me that he did it and that he was supportive and not negative during the process.  This struggle made our marriage stronger and showed us that we need to communicate no matter what, we need to support each other and that we want to be together until death parts us.   Kevan loves me and I feel loved.

Preparing my Heart

In the midst of the fertility tests I stared reading my bible and praying again.  I stopped being angry with God and repented of my selfishness.  I decided I needed to read the bible from cover to cover.   I had never accomplished this before, but had tried many times.  Boy did this show me just how sinful I was.  I was ashamed of myself as I read God's Word.  God takes marriage very seriously in the bible and I had been ready to throw it away just because I wasn’t getting what I wanted.  I realized now how holy God was and who was I to demand a child from Him? 

I loved getting to know the God of the Old Testament and understanding so much more than I had before.  The New Testament had so much that my heart also needed.  I read out loud to Kevan many times too just so I can fit in my daily reading while we drove somewhere or if we were just hanging out.  If I had questions he would help to answer them.  It was surprising to me that it took me over 10 months just to read the Old Testament.  It is A LOT to read.  I read almost 45 minutes to 1 hour each day and it still took that long.  I did miss a few days of reading here and there, but I still pressed on.  The New Testament only took me about 5 weeks to read through.  This was such a special time for me.  I was learning so much about God and how He really loves ME.  Spending time with Him daily was readying me for something, I could feel it.  In my heart I believed He was readying me for motherhood, but now I know he was readying me for cancer.  I'm not angry with Him for allowing cancer instead of giving me a child.  He loves me and He knows what I need.  Right now, I need Him to bear this burden he has given me for this time in my life.  But, it isn't a burden I carry myself.  He carries it for me.  I just need to give it to Him daily.  On the days I don't give it to Him...they are my hardest days...because I cannot go through it myself.

Side note - Every time I tried to read the bible through I used a traditional bible and I was unsuccessful...I would just give up.  It seemed like too big of a task.  This time I read it using my kindle and the little percentage at the bottom pushed me to read more.  When I would see me reach 15%, 25%, etc....it would push me to read more and I would be so excited that I had made it so far.  You can read about my experience here.

Preparing me for Death

As a believer in Jesus Christ, I believe that when I die I go to Heaven to live with our Heavenly Father for eternity.  Heaven is not a spiritual place, as some believe, but an actual place that we will actually reside, in our heavenly bodies, if we are true believers.  I wasn’t really scared of dying.  It hasn’t really bothered me because I know I’ll be in Heaven.  But, the "eternity thing"…has always freaked me out.  I know, who wouldn’t want to live forever?  Well, ME.  It seemed so tiring to me to have to wear a white robe, sing all day and never get to take a nap.  I love naps on Sunday afternoons.  LOL!   I thought heaven was going to be this boring place.  I have never been a gold girl…..more into silver jewelry…so when the bible talks about heaven having “streets of gold”, it kind of makes my eyes hurt.  I’m sorry Lord, but I’m just being honest.  Really…..when I say it freaked me out to think of being in Heaven for eternity…I mean…it freaked me out!

Then, I attended a conference.  One of the speakers, Steve Lawson, spoke about Charles Spurgeon and a new book that he had written about Spurgeon.  You can watch Mr. Lawson's message, here.  I had heard of Spurgeon’s name before, but had never really looked him up or read anything by him.  Well, Mr. Lawson piqued my interests.  I love history and I love the 1800’s.  I have not read Lawson’s book, but on our drive home from the conference I started researching Charles Spurgeon on my phone.  Then, I thought I’d browse Amazon.com to see if there was anything out there I could read on my kindle for free.  There was a book called “We Shall See God” that was available to be borrowed for Prime Members (and still is!).  So, I borrowed it.  It changed my life.  Really.  Not just my thoughts on Heaven, but my whole outlook on how wonderful my life is going to be when I die.  I’m no longer scared of the “eternity” thing.  I am looking forward to it.  Heaven is going to be awesome! 

Unfortunately, I cannot think of a time when one of my pastors spoke on what Heaven is going to be like (besides the pearly gates and streets of gold).  I’m sure they have, but if so it did not have a positive impact on me.  Well, in this book, “We Shall See God”, Spurgeon and Alcorn open my eyes to all the wonder and glory of Heaven.  I have no fear now that it will be boring or that I won't like it.  So, when I was told that I had cancer and had to come to the realization that I might die.  I was okay with it.  I'm still okay with it.  I get to go to Heaven…I get to be with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…I get to be with my Creator.  It will be a place of joy, fun, friendship, beauty and so much more.  I even discovered from scripture that we will have a day of rest in Heaven as well…so maybe I will get a nap here and there.  Lol!  It will be an eternity of wonder!   ETERNITY!  No longer a scary word.

The book is more like a daily reading (devotional), but I pretty much devoured it and didn’t read one day at a time.  Randy Alcorn has pulled together some of Spurgeon’s sermons on heaven so each day has a different excerpt from one of his sermons back in the 1800’s.  Then, after each excerpt Randy also shares a little insight on the same subject that Spurgeon was speaking on.  He also does a great job.  

I took many notes on my Kindle Keyboard and have read some excerpts from the book to Kevan as well.   If you believe that Heaven is going to be boring you should read this book.  Or even if you don't....you should read this book.  Also, Randy Alcorn has his own book on Heaven which I will be buying as soon as I'm done reading Spurgeon’s book on prayer.

I will leave you with a few of my favorite quotes from the book:

“Many people view Heaven as an uncertain gamble, spending their lives wondering if they will arrive at their desired destination.  But it doesn’t have to be this way.  Through Christ, we can be assured of eternal life!” – Spurgeon – Read Psalm 103:1-5

 “Eternal life means enjoying forever the finest moments of life on Earth the way they were intended.  Since in heaven we’ll experience life at its best, it would be more accurate to call our present existence, the beforelife rather than to call what follows the afterlife.” – Alcorn

“Every Christian friend that goes before us from this world is a ransomed spirit waiting to welcome us in Heaven.  There will be the infant of days that we have lost below, through grace to be found above.  There the Christian father, and mother, and wife, and child, and friend…shall be commenced again in the upper sanctuary, and then shall never end.  There we shall have companionship with the patriarchs and fathers and saints of the Old and New Testaments…and there, above all, we shall enjoy and dwell with God the Father, whom we have loved with all our hearts on earth; and with Jesus Christ, our beloved Savior, who has always been to us the chief among the thousands, and altogether lovely; and with the Holy Spirit, our Sanctifier, and Guide, and Comforter; and shall be filled with all fullness of the Godhead forever!” – Spurgeon

“The New Testament says that God “lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see” (I Tim 6:16).  To see God’s face has been utterly unthinkable.  That’s why, when we’re told in Revelation 22:4 that we’ll see God’s face, it should astound us.  For this to happen, it will require that we undergo radical change between now and then. “Without holiness no one will see the Lord” (Heb 12:14).  It’s only because we’ll be full righteous in Christ, deemed completely sinless, that we’ll be able to see God and live”. - Alcorn

“Eden is a picture of rest – meaningful and enjoyable work, abundant food, beautiful environment, unhindered friendship with God and other people and animals.  Even in Eden’s perfection, one day was set aside for special rest and worship.  Work will be refreshing on the New Earth, yet regular rest will be built into our lives.” - Alcorn

3-Weeks Post Op

I've had an emotional morning.  I finally called Southwest to see if I could have my mission trip flight refunded.  I knew it would be emotional so I guess that is why I procrastinated so long.  The first woman that I spoke with at Southwest was such an encouragement.  She told me about her mom's struggle with breast cancer and that she is now a survivor.  She said that instead of going on a mission's trip for one week that God has given me another mission for my life.  She said this was a great opportunity to draw close to God, to encourage others going through the same struggle and to take the time to study His Word.  How wonderful to hear from someone else what has been going on in my heart all ready.  Confirmation.  I told her she was a blessing to me and that she really encouraged me.  I'm glad she wasn't afraid of getting into trouble from Southwest for mention "God" and for encouraging me.  Southwest has always been my favorite airline....and it's not just because you work there Peggy.  lol!  I will definitely be praying for the team several times a day and missing my best friend.  The second person at Southwest didn't comment other then to tell me where to fax my doctor's letters in order to receive the refund, but that's ok.  I had already been blessed.

I can't believe that it has been 3 weeks since I left our home to head to the hospital for my bilateral mastectomy and bilateral sentinel nodes biopsies.  My daily life and body have changed so much since then.  It has been hard.  I've went through the hardest and most painful 3 weeks of my life.  But, it has contained some of the best days because I have been blessed so much.  The outpouring of love to me has been overwhelming.  Really, OVERWHELMING!  I really cannot put into words how amazing everyone has been to me.  Friends and family have sent me cards, emails of encouragement, hand-made items, gifts, flowers, movies to watch, books, gift cards, brought us food and so much more.  It isn't about the cards and gifts though.  It is just knowing that I have so many that love me and care for me.  That these people are all out their praying for me and cheering me on.  When I'm having a hard time I just think about how many out there are praying for me and want God to bring me through this so I will have the new title of "Survivor".  Who wouldn't feel better?  I mean, I knew I had friends.  But, I didn't realize how many really really cared for me.  I love each of you. 

In these 3 weeks I have seen my husband nurse me, love me and care for me.  He is amazing.  He said on the way to the hospital he prayed and asked the Lord to help him be patient and to be able to care for me like he needed to.  Because, of course, married couples become impatient and annoyed with each other over the little things and he was scared he wouldn't be able to be the husband he needed to be.  But, God answered his prayer and during this time it has been a special time for us.  I always pictured "in sickness and in health" as me being his nurse, but God has allowed me to see just how amazing my husband would be during a time like this.  Kevan has encouraged me through my hard days when I "look in the mirror", when I'm in pain and when I can't see the end.  Oh, I love this man.  Of course, he isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me.

Also, I was able to spend 3 weeks with my parents when normally I only see them once or twice a year for a short time.  We had a great time together.  Both of my parents helped me so much and loved on me.  I've had a few surgeries in my life and it is always so much better to have my mom there with me.  Because, she's MOM!  My in-laws have also helped a lot and I appreciate them so much.

Unfortunately, sometimes, it is only during times like this when you have to stop your busy life, because of illness, that you really see how much you are blessed and that is why you hear that over and over in my posts.  Because I have been forced to stop and reflect.  I cannot forget to mention that God has been with me daily through this.  I see His love for me.  He is always with me, but I have seen Him even more the last few weeks.  Again, because I have the time and I'm actually spending it with Him.  I can't fill my days with all of the other things I normally do.  I've spent more time studying his Word and praying.  I cherish this time with Him.

Are y'all tired of the sappy posts about being so blessed?  I'm sorry.  I could tell you that yesterday Kevan noticed an area in one of my incisions that is getting infected so he decided to sterilize a knife, cut into it (while of course I was screaming and he was calling me a big baby.  lol!).  He let the puss out (yes, I said puss...ewwww!) and then he put medication on it before he bandaged it back up.  But, I doubt you want to hear that.  LOL!  I even sent a picture of it to my doctor so she's aware.  Imagine getting that picture in your email box.  lol! 

I think I overdid things yesterday.  I tried to load the dishwasher and do some light laundry.  So, I am paying for it today.  It really wasn't even that much, but by the end of the night I could barely move my arms.  I had a miserable night of sleep and the person that just said she loved mornings a few days ago was actually a big grump this morning.  LOL!  Even after my mocha.  This never happens. 

Thank you all for your encouragement.

Long story, but it's pretty funny

I was really happy to be able to go to church today.  It was great to be able to worship and be with good friends.  It was so great to see everyone and they all knew that I had to have "side hugs" so it wouldn't hurt me. :o)  Kevan and I also went early so we could go to Sunday School and after the church service there was a church business meeting so I was exhausted and in pain by the time we left.  I was due pain medication at least an hour before church ended and had forgotten it at home.  I couldn't wait to get home to take it.  Although, since we live pretty far from town we had to run a few errands before we headed back home so the pain was getting a little unbearable. 

When we arrived back to the house after church I changed into my PJ's, took my pain meds and told Kevan I needed to take a nap on the couch.  Keep in mind that I am able to lay myself down, but I am still unable to pull myself back up from a laying position.  So, I still require help.  Once I laid down I told him I forgot to grab the phone or the walkie talkie so he would need to set them near me before he went outside.  I fell right to sleep.  I woke up to one of my cats jumping onto my chest.  OUCH!  We were locking them out of the room so this wouldn't happen, but now we've only been doing it at night when I'm in bed.  It hurt, but I don't think he damaged anything.  But, it certainly scared me.

One thing about me is....I do not take long naps.  I am a 20-30 minute napper, but today I was actually able to sleep about an hour.  When I awoke I could hear hammering outside so I knew Kevan was out there working on the deck.  I looked around....there was no phone...no walkie talkie and I could hear my cell phone vibrating somewhere unreachable.  How could I call him to get me up?  I hate just sitting and doing nothing.  I laid there for about 30 minutes and realized that I might be able to at least reach the TV remote so I could at least watch TV.  After MUCH stretching and maneuvering I finally reached it and turned it on.  I watched TV for about 30 minutes and the whole time I am trying to figure out how Macgyver would get himself out of this situation....now remember.....this now has been 2 hours since I laid down and since Kevan last saw me.  I tried making a rope out of my blanket and pulling myself up.  Nope.  Didn't work.  I tried grasping the top of the couch.  Nope.  I tried moving onto my side a little, but that just hurt my drain suture and I thought I might fall onto the floor and rip my drain out.  I was fuming after about 2 hours and 45 minutes of laying on this couch.  Then, I starting to cry a little.  lol!  Tears were actually falling.  I couldn't believe my husband just forgot about me and all I needed was a little push to sit up!  It would only take about 4 seconds to help me up.  I was so mad that I still couldn't sit up by myself.  Grrrrrr!!!!  

One funny part is that I would scream for him, "KEVAN!!" really loud hoping he would hear me.  Each time I did this our male cat, Aubie, would stand up, walk over to our female cat, Stormie, and bite her neck.  It was hilarious!  So, I'd tell Aubie, "No, quit biting your sister" and he'd stop.  Then, a little while later I'd scream for Kevan again and Aubie would go back over and bite her neck.  LOL!  I don't know what in the world was going on in his little head but it sure was funny.  Aubie is probably our sweetest kitty even thought all 3 are pretty sweet.  This is what he does EVERY morning before Kevan gets up.  He goes in and cuddles with Kevan.  Isn't he so sweet.  So, I don't know what got into him earlier when I was screaming for his daddy.  lol!

Anyway, I FINALLY heard the door open and Kevan finally walked in to see how I was doing.  "HOW WAS I DOING??"  I asked him how in the world he could forget about his invalid wife for almost 3 hours and when had he ever known me to sleep longer than an hour!   Kevan is not good with time.  He said he had no idea it had been that long.  He wears a watch.  I just don't get it. 

Now that I'm sitting up I can go to the bathroom if I want, I can get myself a drink, play a game on my phone, eat some chocolate, call my Mom....so many options.  I'm so happy to be out of that predicament.  I'm going to make myself a little dinner (from leftovers that friend's from church brought over) and watch a good Hallmark movie.  Kevan and his dad are outside piddling around still.  

Even though he forgot about me for almost 3 HOURS I am still thankful for all he has done for me during this time that I've needed him so much.  I know he's tired of having to do my bandages twice a day and having to do my drains.  But, he still does it and he doesn't complain.  Now, if I could just get him to help clean the house a little since I can't do it yet....but I really think he'd rather do bandages and drains.  lol!

God’s way

It has been a long day.  We started off about 6:00 am this morning getting things ready and Jayde getting ready.  Now it is 12:00 am, and Jayde is sleeping.  I am overwhelmed at the goodness of God.  That may seem like a strange thing to say about sitting around in a hospital all day with a spouse being treated for breast cancer.  So let me explain. 

All kinds of people get cancer, tall people, short people, thin people, and heavy people, believers in Christ, and non-believers.  God is good to all, both believers and non-believers.  He has provided doctors, knowledge, technology, and the ability to heal to both believers in Him and non-believers.  There is a difference, however. 

The believer knows things that the non-believer cannot claim.  For instance, the believer knows that, as Romans 8:28 states, “All things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to His purpose.”  So we know there is a purpose, and that it is ultimately for our good.  Here is what else we have that the non-believer can’t claim.  We have a God who cares.  Through we do suffer, He suffers with us, and He gives us comfort during our time of suffering.  We know He listens to prayers.  He gives peace in situations where only supernatural peace is possible.  He provides encouragement through the many other fellow believers that come along side us and pray with us and give us strength through their love for us.

Some have said, “If God is good why does He allow suffering.”  Or, at least, why does He allow the ones He claims to love, to suffer, if He could prevent it.  This is a difficult problem, and I won’t do it complete justice here; but I will express a few thoughts.  The first thing we must realize is that God’s ways are not our ways.  He is capable of seeing the end from the beginning.  He alone knows how all things work their way out.  I believe that there are things God does through suffering that cannot be accomplished any other way.  I’ll take a particular example from the bible, the heart of the Gospel itself.

Humanity since Adam has a problem.  We all sin.  That is, we do those things which we know are wrong, and we do not do things we know we ought to do.  Our perfectly just Creator God must punish these wrongs or He would not be perfectly just.  Therein lies our problem.  As Ephesians 2:3 teaches, in our sin we are by nature children of wrath, deserving of God’s judgment against us. The Gospel proclaims that Jesus, God son, took upon himself human flesh, and lived a perfect life that we, since Adam, have been unable to do.  Hi seeming “reward” for this was to be ridiculed, beaten, and ultimately put to death in a tortuous style of capital punishment that the Romans would not even exercise on their own murderers.  Jesus was hung on a cross by his hands and feet until death in a public and humiliating display.

How does this relate to my point?  God’s ways are not our ways.  First of all, we would not care enough to save a race of people who don’t think they need saving, and had, at that point, long since stopped giving God praise or thanksgiving for His goodness.  But, not only does our God do something about our estranged relationship with Him, He does something that would never occur to us as an acceptable solution.  He allows His son to be crucified by us, and uses this very crucifixion as the payment for the sin we have committed against Him.  This is most definitely not how we would do things.

Through this time thus far with cancer, Jayde and I have learned so much about God’s love for us, and how He cares for us through the storm.  He has provided us with strength and peace.  He has provided us with love and support, literally from around the world, friends and family we know and love, and people we’ve never met.  We could have never understood this love without an occasion to bring it to pass.  This is Gods way, strength through weakness, peace in the midst of a storm, love shown, not just by friends and family, but from brothers and sisters in our shared faith that we have never met.

Let me finish with one more final note.  I know many people will all kinds of backgrounds are following this blog, and I hope much encouragement and comfort is being provided by it.  That is what Jayde and I have prayed for.  But, there is one thing I feel I must make clear.  God, our Creator, deserves our praise, and He desires to bless us.  He cannot fully bless us while we remain in our sin.  Like an omelet made with one bad egg, no amount of good eggs added to that omelet will ever make it good.  So it is with us.  No amount of “being good” can make up for even one sinful dead done, or deed we should have done, but didn’t.  Jesus, the Christ, God’s substitute, who suffered and died for us, is the only satisfaction God will accept.  Either we will pay for our sin personally, or we will claim Jesus, who paid it all for us.  There is no other option.  It is either God’s way, or ours.  Please consider this, and soberly contemplate, are you hoping to somehow be be judged “good enough”, or have you asked God to forgive you and to apply what Jesus did to you, and accept His provision?

11:00 pm CDT Update

Jayde is sleeping, snoring even!  She has done very well. We give the credit to God, and all of our prayer warriors out there.  She was even able to walk to the bathroom earlier, about 9:30 pm.  The initial attempt was iffy.  She got very dizzy and then nauseous and had to lie back down.  The nurse brought some anti-nausea medicine, and after a little while she was ready to try again.  This time she was able to stand up, walk to the bathroom, take care of business and return to bed.  Pretty amazing, I thought, for this soon after surgery.  She is very groggy from the pain medication, but coherent and alert when awake.  I don’t think she is in much pain, and has not used the pain pump button except for just a few times.

Our pastor surprised us by stopping by for a while, today.  It was really a blessing to us.  He just happened to be in the neighborhood, checking in on his mother.  He was able to pray with us and chat some.  He has had a lot to deal with the last few days.  He could use our prayers, too.  Some of the tasks of a pastor are easy and joyful, some are difficult and distressing.  The Lord is there with them all, but as our earthy shepherd, a large burden is sometimes laid upon his shoulders.  We love you Gary, hang in there.

Sorry, no picture for this post.  It is dark now.  Maybe tomorrow!

Post-surgery Update 5:35 pm CDT

Dr. Whitworth (oncological surgeon) gave a great report.  Jayde's lymph nodes were clear, and the procedure went without any hitches.  Dr. O'Shaughnessey (plastic surgeon) also a great report.  She has four drains, not the six she was imagining.  She is in recovery now, I haven't seen her yet.  We are so pleased.  The Lord has been very gracious with us and has give us everything we could have hoped for so far, and we are grateful.

Pre-surgery Update 2:45 pm CDT

Jayde just went into surgery.  It is about 2:45 pm CDT.  We sat around most of the day waiting for various things.  The die/marker injection for the lymph node biopsy was very painful, even with the Lidocaine cream.  We spoke briefly with Dr. Whitworth before they took her in.  Not much new information; just a review of what was planned.  She was a little nervous and had a headache.  They gave her some some Valium and Fentanyl.  That seemed to take care of everything.  She is doing pretty good so far.  Here is a picture of her right before they took her to the O.R.  I will update more later once I know more.

Prayer for my parents and Kevan during this time

My parents arrived a few days ago from Michigan.  I asked them to come early so that we could spend some time together before my surgery.  It has been really nice having them around.  My mom is working from home so she is able to work while she is here and didn't have to take work off to come and be with me.  (Thank you David Michael!  I love you)  Two night's ago Kevan's dad brought us dinner (thank you Gerry!) and we sat outside in the grass, enjoyed the beautiful weather and just enjoyed each others company.  It was so nice.  We also watched the guys do a few more things with the deck.  They were going to try to finish the deck before my surgery so I can recuperate some outside, but I'm not sure if they will be done by then.  Here is a picture of where they are with it right now.  Don't look at the messiness.  That is what happens when you are mid-construction.  Remember, we live on a farm!

My mom will be working all day (from my house), plus taking care of me when I need her.  So, I'm a little worried that she is going to get stressed out over making meals for 4 of us and trying to do everything else (cleaning, laundry, work, helping me, etc).  Please pray for my mom during this time as she will have so much to do and I don't want her to stress out.  Kevan's cousin was so wonderful and made us a few homemade lasagna so that we can thaw them and cook them when we need them.  I thought it was a great idea!  Thank you Jackie!  You are a blessing to us!  AND...I know your lasagna is sooooo good!

Please keep Kevan in your prayers.  He will be trying to work while we are at the hospital on/off when I don't need him or I'm sleeping.  Pray that he will be able to focus.  I believe he will have a separate area in my hospital "suite" where he can work from, but I'm not sure.  When he doesn't work....he doesn't get paid.  :o( So, we need him to work. I'm sure this will be hard for him too so just pray for his emotions and that we will communicate with each other during this time and not keep anything in.  That will just make it harder on us.  Also, Kevan loves to go out on Friday nights (to dinner or a movie or whatever) so if you are a guy friend (no girls please! lol!) and want to have a guy's night out on a Friday please call him up.  He will need to get out of the house some and a movie is a good distraction.  My parents are here with me if I need help.  I want him to have some fun and not be cooped up here all the time having to help me.  This means during my chemo treatments too.  If I'm not feeling well I probably won't want to leave the house.  My only requirement is - NO MOTORCYCLES!  lol!! 

As I've mentioned in a previous post I feel so loved.  I have received so many encouraging emails, texts, cards and even a few gifts.  Two of our friends even stopped by to finish a home improvement project for us so I will be more comfortable recuperating in our master bedroom.  Everyone has been amazing.  I did not realize I had so many friends.  God has blessed me so much.  Each of you mean so much to me.  I'm hoping that while I'm recuperating I will be able to write my thank you notes to each person.  we will see!  If you don't receive one right away I'm working on them!  Just be patient.  :o)

My surgery is in 5 days.  I'm trying to fit in so many things.  I just took the kitties to the vet because they have allergies and need their shot.  They are a little more "needy" when they aren't feeling well.  Saturday I'm hoping to fit in making another batch of homemade yogurt for fruit smoothies while I'm sick. I want to get a pedicure (so I have cute feet while I'm in the hospital), check out a few wigs again with my mom, write out a few meal ideas for my mom, do all the laundry, finish painting our bedroom windows so we can put up our blinds, spend time praying and reading my bible....I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in!

I've been taking baths every day (instead of showers) since I won't be able to once I'm out of surgery.  I love baths.  lol!  I am really going to miss them.  At night, I'm making sure to sleep on my stomach because I won't have the luxury in a few days and I LOVE to sleep on my stomach.  I had 2 coffees today instead of one because in a few days I won't be allowed to have coffee for several days.  Oh, how I love my morning coffee with 2 teaspoons of cocoa and organic half-and-half! I am VERY hyper today.  lol!

Tomorrow I have a pre-Op appointment with my plastic surgeon, a two-hour breast cancer course at Baptist Hospital, an appointment to be measured for my post-op garment and a pre-admission appointment at the hospital.  Both my parents and Kevan are going with me so it will be a full day for all of us.  We are hoping to spend a nice night with my mother-in-law since we will be in Nashville.  Judy, I know...I haven't discussed this with you yet.  lol!  So, if you are reading this and I haven't talked to you about it yet....Oops!  We will be arriving to your house mid-afternoon.  ;o)

This post wouldn't be complete without a mention of our new family member.  Below is a picture of a kitty that has decided our house is his home.  He is a stray that someone probably dropped off.  His name is Bob.  He stays outside.  I have a love/hate relationship with Bob.  He is VERY loving, VERY talkative and a pretty sweet kitty.  BUT, he has killed an adorable little chipmunk right in front of us, a baby bird that was learning to fly and I can't get past his "bob" tail.  It smacks me in the leg when he is wagging it...and it is a little freaky.  lol!

Here is Bob...he is very pretty.

And, he's a Manx....notice the "bob" tail....hence the name "Bob"...courtesy of my FIL.  :o)

I really appreciate everyone's prayers, encouragement and love.  My heart feels so full.  It brings tears to my eyes to think about it.  You all overwhelm my soul.  I LOVE YOU ALL!  God bless each of you.