Get Over It!

I had my 2 month check-up at the plastic surgeon on Friday.  Seems like it has been longer than 2 months since I had my reconstruction surgery on 12/5.  I'm doing so well!  My absolute favorite result (well, other than the obvious.  HaHa!) is that I CAN SLEEP ON MY STOMACH!  Every night when I flip over to go to sleep I get little tears in my eyes because it is such a wonderful blessing and it makes me emotional still to think about how much God has blessed me in my recovery.  I have missed sleeping comfortably.  It feels so good.  Also, I'm able to cuddle with my hubby again (I know, TMI!).  Anyway, back to the doctor.  lol!  He looked at everything and felt around (yes, this makes Kevan very uncomfortable to see another man touching his wife)...then he said, "looks great, my best work ever!  I'll see you in 4 months."  That's it.  I'm so thankful that it has gone so well.

While I was there I met a woman that also went through chemo/cancer.  We talked a little while in the waiting room about our hair troubles.  It was a blessing to talk to her and to know that she is feeling the same way I am.  She also had blonde hair before and now hers is coming back brown (and gray) as well.

As most of you know that are close to me, I am still having some sadness getting used to my hair.  I know.  I know....I should be happy it is growing back.  I actually do get compliments on it regularly...which I didn't even get when I had my normal hair.  I do think it looks okay.  I just don't feel like me.  I don't feel like Kev's cute wife anymore.  I feel a little stuck in the 80's.  After MANY MANY years of looking in the mirror at a woman who has long blonde hair....I still picture that in my head.  So, when I look in the mirror I am still shocked when I see a woman with short brown CURLY hair.  Kevan and I met my mother-in-law at the store today in Nashville.  Well, I told her I would meet her at the entrance.  She walked in and kept looking right past me.  I think she did it 3 times.  Then, she realized the tall brown haired girl was me.  I said, "Were you looking for a long haired blonde Jayde?" and she said "Yes."  lol!  So, I'm not the only one that still forgets.

Anyway, while at that same store I saw a very pretty woman walk by me that was bald.  She was with her husband.  I went up to her and asked her if she was on chemo.  Again, I love talking to other women that have been through what I have so I wanted to chat with her.  Except that, the next thing she said was, "No, I have not gone through chemo.  I get approached by people like you all the time.  I was born this way and I cannot grow hair."  She had no hair on her head, no eyebrows and no eyelashes.  She was so abrupt that I stepped back a little.  Then, instantly felt awful for her.  I told her I was sorry and that I totally understood why she went around without a wig, because they are so uncomfortable.  She didn't say anything.  I wish I would've told her my first impression, but I am not a fast thinker.  I first thought how beautiful she was and how I couldn't believe someone on chemo would look so good.  Because, while I was going through it I certainly didn't want to go out shopping or put makeup on.  But, she looked great.  I guess that should've been my first inclination that she wasn't going through chemo.  :o(  Oh well...I put my foot in my mouth.  I just said, "God bless you" and walked away.  I did pray for her on the way home tonight.  Here I am worried because my hair is growing back "different' and she has NEVER had hair.  I think God was showing me that I should be thankful and happy....instead of sad about it....because there are woman out there that don't have any.  Mine is just a phase....hers is a lifetime.  I am very sorry.  I need to GET OVER IT.  I need to continue to pray about it.  I am very thankful for the hair I have...I'm just being impatient...and I need to pray for contentment.  Here is a picture of us this past weekend while attending our church's valentine's banquet.  We had a blast.  We laughed so much our faces were hurting from smiling so much.

It has been a few weeks since I've updated my blog. I haven't had time.  I am tired.  Very tired.  I wish I could sleep for a whole day.  Kevan and I have been really busy.  I've been teaching on Wednesday nights and it requires me to study about an hour each day to get ready for my lesson.  Also, work has been REALLY busy.  I love my job though...so its okay.  I just wish I had a few more work hours in a day so I could get more done.  Yesterday, I spent the day with a very sweet almost-6-year-old.  I had a lot of fun making cupcakes, doing a few crafts, going to see some farm animals, eating Mexican (her favorite) and watching a movie.  She wore me out.  lol!  I don't know how parents do it.  I was exhausted by 6pm. 

Well....speaking of exhaustion....I'm going to go to bed.  Night! Night!

Please forgive me.

I received a comment on my last post that has really weighed heavily on me.  Kevan asked me to delete the comment so if you go back to read it, it's not there.  Basically, the anonymous person feels like I am a very shallow person.  The truth is....I struggle a lot with this blog because I feel like sometimes "it is all about me" and even though that is what the URL is, "Jayde's Journey"...I want it to be about Him, my Lord and Savior.  Not about me.  I also wanted it to be a place for others who are struggling with cancer to find hope and a few laughs here and there.  

The purpose of this blog from the very beginning was to document my journey through cancer and being sad about my current hair situation is what I am going through currently.  I can't imagine that I am the only woman that has struggled with post chemo hair, but I also want to ask for forgiveness if it came across as shallow.  I was actually trying to look on the bright side and that is why I posted the pictures of my past hair.  I wanted to show that even though I'm struggling with liking the short post-chemo hair that it isn't the worst it has ever been.  But, I guess my post came across as shallow.  I'm sorry.

Also, the anonymous commenter couldn't believe I would post about my hair when there are families that wish their family members were still alive and hadn't died of cancer...who cares what their hair looks like.  As a cancer survivor, it is hard to understand why God would allow a person like me (with no children) to be healed and go on with their life while there are others who have children and are such wonderful people and they don't make it through it.  I don't know why.  I don't understand it.  I feel bad because I lived through it.  Believe me....I think about this on a regular basis.  But, God doesn't allow us to trade places.  The only thing I know is that God has a plan.  God allows some to die in order to bring about a greater plan...just like he allows some to live.  I know that may seem odd to some, but I truly believe that even in someone's death there can be great things that come about from it.  I believe that my life was changed for the good when I lost my grandmother as a teenager because it made me realize that life was precious.  I looked back at her life and realized I wanted to know her God like she knew Him.  I'm not sure I would've changed my life around if I hadn't gone through the pain of losing her.  Of course, I'm not saying that God allowed my grandmother to die so "I" would turn my life around, but it could've been one aspect of His plan.  We may never know the reasons.  I just know that God healed me and I am thankful for it.  I understand what He has done for me.  I know that it doesn't always happen and I pray that I don't waste this gift.

So, please forgive me for being shallow.  This is a blog about my life with cancer and a part of that right now is the struggle over what to do with post-chemo hair.  It does sound shallow...but I really feel like I'm not the only wife that would struggle with this.  I'm embarrassed for my husband and I am not sure how to love my hair right now.  Instead of beating me up.....maybe you should pray for me.

The Never Ending Bad Hair Day

So, lately, I've been feeling like I am having a never ending bad hair day.  I don't know what to do with my hair.  It isn't long enough to brush or style or highlight.  It is getting curly.  I am not happy about this.  I bought some gel and played around with it.....it didn't work.  It just left me with hard hair that was gross.  I reached out to two people to see if they would dye it for me and I didn't hear back....so I'm guessing that is a sign.  lol!  Truthfully, I'm getting a little depressed.  I miss my hair.  I don't know why but I liked being bald more.  I know.  Weird.  I think it is because I had an excuse to wear a wig when I wanted to look nice and if I wanted to hide behind a head covering I could.  Here is the most recent pic of my hair.  It is a little longer than this...but I have no makeup on tonight so I'm going to use this one:

So, as I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself I started thinking about my hair before chemo.  Here is one of the last pictures I took before I started losing my hair.

That brought me to thinking about when I was young.  Then, I realized....this short hair thing isn't all that bad.  When you consider some of my previous hair styles.  

This one is the start of my mom trying to tame my hair.  She just braided it to get it out of the way.

Then, I think, my mom decided to put a bowl on my head and cut around it.  Also, thank you Lord for braces!

Then Jr. High came and I started to let it be curly.

Then, I started on a bowling league and this is what I looked like.  Really, mom and dad?  You let me leave like this?

After that.....I got a spiral perm because it just wasn't bad enough.  Yes....I was a nerd.

Since I showed you my Jr. High pics...I better show you one of the bad high school pictures too.  I'm not really sure what is on top of my head.

So, after looking at these...I feel a little better.  I've had a LOT of bad hair days.  Nothing new.  I actually have more I could share, but I got tired of scanning them in and I thought I should save some just in case I get depressed again.  

I'll try to be content with my short hair.  But, I'm still praying it grows very fast!

Top 10 Reasons to Like Your Bald Head

I'm doing great today and have been for several days.  It is amazing how well the body bounces back.  Tomorrow I will be having my 3rd chemo treatment of taxotere and cytoxan.  I am dreading it as usual.  Since I've been bald for several weeks I decided to do a top 10 list of the reasons why I like my bald head.  This may help some of you that have to lose your hair to like it a little more.  I have to say that I haven't really missed my hair.  I'm strange though.  :o)  I think I just know it will grow back and this is just a part of the process.  Although, Kevan does miss my hair and I'm sure he cannot wait for it to come back.  I am also a little scared of how it might change when it grows back, but I am praying that God blesses me with straight hair since I had wavy/curly hair before and had to straighten it each day. 

Many have asked me if I have lost all of my hair (head hair, eyebrows, body hair, etc).  So, I wanted to give a little update before the top 10.  Before my chemo I was under the impression that it would all fall out at once.  That isn't the case.  As far as my head hair...it is pretty much all gone except for the annoying patches of hair behind my ears.  See ugly pic below.  lol!

Kevan wants to shave it, but I don't like the feeling of a razor on my head.  I have not lost my arm hair that I can tell, but have lost about 70% of my leg hair...but the remaining 30% is not growing because I haven't needed to shave in weeks...usually I shave every couple days.  I've also lost about 80% of my "other" body hair.  It would be a great time for me to go to the beach if I was allowed to be in the sun.  ;o)  I am losing eyebrows and eyelashes VERY slowly.  I have most of them still.  I am SO thankful for this.  This was my biggest worry when I found out I would lose my hair.  I am hoping I get through the last 2 treatments with my eyebrows and eye lashes.

Top 10 Reasons to Like Your Bald Head

• The obvious, you will save money on shampoo, conditioner and other hair products.  You will also save money on coloring, highlighting, haircuts, etc.

• You save a lot of time not having to do your hair.  It used to take me about 20 minutes to do my hair because I had to blow dry it and then straight iron it.  Now, it takes me about 2 minutes to put my wig or head covering on.

• Your bathroom counter is a lot less messy.  I don't need a brush, hair dryer or curling iron.  So, they've been put away for now.

• You have the opportunity to go to a wig store and try on all different kinds of wigs and hair colors.  I learned that red hair with black stripes does not look good on me.  But, it was fun to try it on.  I can see myself with bangs or without, black hair or blonde hair, short or long, pink or blue.....whatever you desire pretty much.  Take pictures so you can remember.  I should've taken pictures, but I always feel like the shop owner is too serious.  lol!

• You can decorate your head.  Just think of the Halloween possibilities!  I will definitely be doing this if I don't have hair at Halloween.

• It is the only time you will let someone tape your head.  Yes, my husband decided he was tired of looking at the hairs that had not yet fallen out.  He calls it my 5 o'clock shadow.  He thought tape would work.  So, he grabbed the pet hair tape roller and used it on my head. 

Here is what the taped look like after a good roll.  Warning - it kinda hurts, but it is pretty funny.

• When it is raining outside and you're leaving Wal-mart take your wig off so you don't get it wet and shove it in your sack.  Then, look back and see the amazement on everyone's face as they see this bald woman running to her car.  It is pretty funny.  Try it sometime. Also, you make it to the car without wet hair.  :o)

• It may be the only time in your life that you can check the hair color of "bald" on a form.  I think that is pretty funny too.

• When you are having a hot flash (which you will get from chemo if you haven't reached menopause yet) you can remove your wig or head covering to cool off extra fast.  I recommend only doing this at home.  ;o)  People are just too uncomfortable with a woman's baldness.

The ultimate reason to like your bald head.

• The shock on someone's face when you take off your wig or head covering and reveal your bald head.  I think it is hilarious and it never gets old.  lol!

Funny story.  When I asked Kevan to take the picture above of my bald head he kept taking them and I kept looking at the result and saying, "I can't use that one...ewww!", "No way", "Haaaaaa!!".  I didn't like any of them.  Kevan says, "Now do you see why I don't like to look at your bald head?"  LOL!!  I guess it doesn't bother me because I'm not the one that has to look at it.  :o)  Oh well...at least it is temporary.  Both of Kevan's grandfather's are bald....so if he loses his hair....I'll have to look at it all the time and it won't just be temporary.  ;o)  

Chemo #2

Yesterday, I had my 2nd chemo treatment.  I had mentioned in my last few posts how I was dreading it, but I was actually pretty calm and not worried at all.  I read some scripture in the morning, had my prayer time and with everyone else's prayers I just had a calm spirit yesterday.  I had a friend having an outpatient surgery procedure yesterday as well so I had the opportunity to think about her and pray for her as well.  It is such a pleasure to pray for others since I know so many are praying for me.  Sometimes I feel guilty that so many are praying, but I know I couldn't get through this without those prayers.  So, I just love the opportunity to pray specifically for those that are praying for me.

We arrived at the Sarah Cannon Cancer Center at 10:15AM.  They called me shortly after to get my weight, vitals and take blood to check my counts.  Then, we met with my doctor.  We went over all of the side effects that I experienced.  My blood counts were all good today (praise God!).  So, the doctor decided to lower my taxotere dose since the bad side effects I experienced were from the taxotere.  I was glad to hear I wouldn't be getting a full dose.  I believe he left the cytoxan dose the same, but I'm going to call the office today to get confirmation and I'll post the actual #'s here once I get an update.  Also, I will be taking a steroid (Dexamethasone) by mouth twice today and start on an acne medication (this is supposed to help my swollen underarms...weird, but I guess it works).  I guess they see this swollen underarm lumps/fluid a lot when someone is going through chemo.  It is something I have always had apparently, but it worsens at this time.  So, for that he prescribed Doxycycline.  I have to take it every day for 30 days.  I am not good with remembering my medication so I really hope/pray God helps me with this.  My underarms still hurt so bad that I cannot do my lymphedema and mastectomy post-op exercises as good as I need to.  :o(

After we saw the doctor we went right to the chemo room for treatment.  Here is a pic of me.  We are not supposed to take pictures...so I tried to hide it.  lol!

The nurse took my blood work from my elbow/middle arm area so when they went to do the chemo they couldn't use that vein.  I don't know why, but before this it was no big deal giving blood.  It barely hurt, but my arms seem so sensitive now and it HURTS.  I hate it.  Next time I will try to remember to tell the blood work nurse not to use the middle arm area so they can use it for my chemo (if you are trying to decide whether to get a port...get a PORT it is so much easier I'm sure).  I have better veins in my right arm, but I won't let them use that one due to lymphedema precautions and because it is already showing signs of excess fluid build up since I had 3 lymph nodes removed from that side.  Anyway, they chose a small vein in my hand.  This wasn't good at all.  The steroid went through the IV first with no issues, but the anti-nausea med came from the fridge so the cold liquid was totally hurting me.  They tried using a hot pack on my arm, but it just burned the whole time.  I sucked it up until that one was done, but the taxotere was also cold so it was so awful to feel the burning pain the whole time.  So, I prayed and then I texted my mom and asked her to pray.  She sent a text out to my brothers and my aunt...and they also prayed.  Within minutes the pain was gone!  It was so awesome.  God answered!  So, I was praising the Lord and telling the nurses that we had prayed and God comforted me.  :o)  I also had the "water up the nose" feeling when the cytoxan was almost finished, but now that I'm used to it and I know it will go away I was okay with it.  We left the chemo room at about 3:15pm.  It takes a little over 5 hours from our day each time.

I met another chemo patient yesterday that is around my age.  She has had breast cancer twice.  The first time she had a wire localization biopsy of her lump, in the beginning, and they told her it was benign.  So, she ignored it.  Then, 3 years later she decided to have a lumpectomy instead because it was bothering her.  They determined it was malignant.  (I had the lumpectomy the first time...I didn't want the lump...so this just tells me that a lumpectomy to remove the whole mass is better)  By that time she was Stage 3b.  It had gotten into her lymph nodes.  She went through a mastectomy (she didn't say whether it was single or double) and chemo.  They told her she was cancer free. Then, during one of her check ups years later they found cancer again.  It had metastasized to her liver and some other organs.  She had to go through chemo again.  I felt so bad for her.  She is a beautiful girl and her hair had all grown back now.  She is now doing a clinical study with a different chemo that doesn't make her hair fall out.  We talked about the weight gain.  She was about 100 lbs when she found out she had breast cancer.  I would say she is now about 140.  But, she exercises and she said she feels healthy so she doesn't worry about the weight anymore.  I wish I had gotten her name so I didn't have to pray for the "girl from chemo 2", but maybe I will see her again.  I forgot to give her one of my cards with my website.  I'll do that next time if I see her.

Also, while I was there, there was an older woman that was not doing well at all with her treatment.  She was vomiting.  I felt so bad for her.  On the way home I was convicted that I didn't pray for her while I was there.  I should've prayed for her at that time and for some reason it never occurred to me.  So, I prayed for her while I was in my car that things would get better for her, that she would know the Lord and that he would heal her.  I also prayed for her son that was with her.  That he would be what she needed and that God would work in his heart as well.  I was very blessed yesterday that I only had a little bit of arm pain.  I know I am so blessed.

I had the friend that I met (Keli) stop by to see me while I was there.  She is so sweet!  She is done with her chemo treatments (Praise the Lord!).  She brought me 2 very pretty hats and another special gift that I will talk about in another post.  It was so nice of her.  It was so great to see her and to hear how she is doing.  She is going back to work on Monday.  :o)  I love that we are in contact now and I can hear how everything else is going for her (hair growth, final surgery, etc) and that I can also ask her questions.  I believe God introduced us to each other and I hope we have a long friendship since we share this journey that God put us on.  Keli, if you are reading this...thank you for making my day!  It was great to see you.

Kevan and I went to Qdoba like we normally do when we are in Nashville.  It was nice and yummy.  Then, for dinner we went with my MIL to Cafe Fontanella.  It was yummy too.  My stomach started to feel sick...I call it "roly poly-ing".  I didn't have nausea, just this rolling feeling.  I hate it.  So, I won't be eating much today.  I will probably not even have my morning coffee.  My MIL is going to go with me to get my WBC shot today and also to a "Look Good...Feel Better" class.  They give you free makeup and teach you how to look better bald.  :o)  It is a free service for those that have lost their hair due to cancer treatment.  If I'm feeling okay I'll do a post tomorrow on how it went.

Thanks again to everyone for your prayers yesterday.  I love you all!  God is definitely answering them.

Day 14 - My Bald Head

When I woke up today my hair was falling out in HUGE clumps.  I don't know why, but I thought it would fall out little by little.  Um....no.  It falls out in handfuls.  Here is a picture of a ziploc bag of how much hair just "fell out" during the day today.  It is a GALLON size ziploc bag.  So, we decided.  Today was the day.  I didn't want to go through this again tomorrow.

Kevan and I decided to have fun with this.  Kevan's dad came over with his clippers and we got to work.  I didn't want it to be a sad time.  I knew it was going to happen, I accepted it and I prayed for God to give me the strength I needed to get through it.  He answered my prayer because we didn't shed a single tear (Kevan or I).  We laughed all the way through it.

Here is a before picture.  I normally straighten my hair every day....so this is a really BAD picture of me because I had to let it just dry. Also, I didn't put any makeup on.  I guess I should've, but I didn't feel like taking the time.  Plus, the shower curtain ism't doing much for me.

If I had taken the time to straighten it...there would not have been any hair left.  To give you an idea.....here is a picture of my clean brush.

This is a picture of ONE brush through.  Just ONE.  CRAZY!  It is pretty gross!

First thing we did was cut off my ponytails.  This is what we ended up with.  Short haired Jayde.  As you can see...my part is already starting to look bald.

Here is a side view.

Then, he shaved the sides.

Lovely.  Can you tell I'm a girl?

David....here is the scar in the back of my head that you gave me from the back of the hammer you threw at me....I mean dropped on me...by accident.  I know.  I know.  You knew it would come up....didn't you?  lol!!

Wow...I sure didn't recognize myself in that last picture.  As you can see from below....Kevan wasn't that great with making a mohawk.  He had to work a little harder.  He said it was my fine hair....I don't know.

Side view after we cut off more of the sides.

The mohawk thing just wasn't working for me.  My part balded earlier today...so it just didn't look right.

So....what did I learn?  I have a REALLY ugly bald head.  LOL!  Lots of scars, bumps, moles.  Eww!  Here is a picture of the floor when we were done.

I wonder how many of you scrolled to the bottom first to see the "after" picture.  Well, here you go.  Here is Jayde will her ugly bald head!  LOL!!

I had to change the background and my shirt.  I just couldn't reveal the after picture looking all pale.  I told Kevan how happy I was that I had straight teeth (I just got my braces off in April) and he said, "Ya, because everyone's going to be looking at your teeth."  LOL!  Thanks Babe...what exactly are they going to be looking at?

Also, my father-in-law said...."if you take one earring out you'd look just like Mr. Clean."  Um....thanks.  LOL!

I truly believe God gave me some special grace to get through this.  I'm glad it wasn't a sad experience and that Kevan and I were able to have fun with it.  I did try on a few of my head coverings and I'm a little disappointed because they don't look that great, but I probably need to work with them a little.  I'll definitely have to wear makeup and earrings too.  If I don't wear earrings people will think I'm a boy.  Anyway....I hope you enjoyed the post and got a few laughs.  :o)