Get Over It!

I had my 2 month check-up at the plastic surgeon on Friday.  Seems like it has been longer than 2 months since I had my reconstruction surgery on 12/5.  I'm doing so well!  My absolute favorite result (well, other than the obvious.  HaHa!) is that I CAN SLEEP ON MY STOMACH!  Every night when I flip over to go to sleep I get little tears in my eyes because it is such a wonderful blessing and it makes me emotional still to think about how much God has blessed me in my recovery.  I have missed sleeping comfortably.  It feels so good.  Also, I'm able to cuddle with my hubby again (I know, TMI!).  Anyway, back to the doctor.  lol!  He looked at everything and felt around (yes, this makes Kevan very uncomfortable to see another man touching his wife)...then he said, "looks great, my best work ever!  I'll see you in 4 months."  That's it.  I'm so thankful that it has gone so well.

While I was there I met a woman that also went through chemo/cancer.  We talked a little while in the waiting room about our hair troubles.  It was a blessing to talk to her and to know that she is feeling the same way I am.  She also had blonde hair before and now hers is coming back brown (and gray) as well.

As most of you know that are close to me, I am still having some sadness getting used to my hair.  I know.  I know....I should be happy it is growing back.  I actually do get compliments on it regularly...which I didn't even get when I had my normal hair.  I do think it looks okay.  I just don't feel like me.  I don't feel like Kev's cute wife anymore.  I feel a little stuck in the 80's.  After MANY MANY years of looking in the mirror at a woman who has long blonde hair....I still picture that in my head.  So, when I look in the mirror I am still shocked when I see a woman with short brown CURLY hair.  Kevan and I met my mother-in-law at the store today in Nashville.  Well, I told her I would meet her at the entrance.  She walked in and kept looking right past me.  I think she did it 3 times.  Then, she realized the tall brown haired girl was me.  I said, "Were you looking for a long haired blonde Jayde?" and she said "Yes."  lol!  So, I'm not the only one that still forgets.

Anyway, while at that same store I saw a very pretty woman walk by me that was bald.  She was with her husband.  I went up to her and asked her if she was on chemo.  Again, I love talking to other women that have been through what I have so I wanted to chat with her.  Except that, the next thing she said was, "No, I have not gone through chemo.  I get approached by people like you all the time.  I was born this way and I cannot grow hair."  She had no hair on her head, no eyebrows and no eyelashes.  She was so abrupt that I stepped back a little.  Then, instantly felt awful for her.  I told her I was sorry and that I totally understood why she went around without a wig, because they are so uncomfortable.  She didn't say anything.  I wish I would've told her my first impression, but I am not a fast thinker.  I first thought how beautiful she was and how I couldn't believe someone on chemo would look so good.  Because, while I was going through it I certainly didn't want to go out shopping or put makeup on.  But, she looked great.  I guess that should've been my first inclination that she wasn't going through chemo.  :o(  Oh well...I put my foot in my mouth.  I just said, "God bless you" and walked away.  I did pray for her on the way home tonight.  Here I am worried because my hair is growing back "different' and she has NEVER had hair.  I think God was showing me that I should be thankful and happy....instead of sad about it....because there are woman out there that don't have any.  Mine is just a phase....hers is a lifetime.  I am very sorry.  I need to GET OVER IT.  I need to continue to pray about it.  I am very thankful for the hair I have...I'm just being impatient...and I need to pray for contentment.  Here is a picture of us this past weekend while attending our church's valentine's banquet.  We had a blast.  We laughed so much our faces were hurting from smiling so much.

It has been a few weeks since I've updated my blog. I haven't had time.  I am tired.  Very tired.  I wish I could sleep for a whole day.  Kevan and I have been really busy.  I've been teaching on Wednesday nights and it requires me to study about an hour each day to get ready for my lesson.  Also, work has been REALLY busy.  I love my job though...so its okay.  I just wish I had a few more work hours in a day so I could get more done.  Yesterday, I spent the day with a very sweet almost-6-year-old.  I had a lot of fun making cupcakes, doing a few crafts, going to see some farm animals, eating Mexican (her favorite) and watching a movie.  She wore me out.  lol!  I don't know how parents do it.  I was exhausted by 6pm. 

Well....speaking of exhaustion....I'm going to go to bed.  Night! Night!

I've Learned Yet Another New Word I Didn't Know Before Cancer

New word: Seroma - a lump or swelling caused by an accumulation of serum within a tissue or organ.

First, thank you to those that prayed for me.  I felt better today when I woke up (probably due to the antibiotics they started me on - Cipro and Bactrim) and I prayed that when we arrived at the doctor that Kevan and I would just look like paranoid idiots and that there really wouldn't be an issue.  I would much rather look like an idiot than have an infection or seroma.  I did not have a fever this morning and my right breast didn't look as red.  So, it seemed that maybe everything was fine.

We packed the car with overnight clothes/items just in case.  If it was serious I may need to stay at the hospital or if we had to see the doctor again tomorrow we could just stay at my MIL's instead of making the long drive two days in a row.  We arrived 30 minutes early.  We had given ourselves the normal 2 hour drive, but traffic was down so we arrived early.  We finished listening to a Christmas Sermon by John MacArthur and then headed in to see if they could take us a little early.  Kevan and I love the modern technology.  We have been listening to YouTube videos or streaming sermons lately during our long drives.  It is pretty cool that our cell service is able to stay connected well enough that the video/audio is never interrupted and it gives us so many more options than just listening to the radio.

When we arrived my two wonderful nurses, Miss L and Miss B, took a look at the redness and didn't notice any swelling.  They didn't think anything serious was going on, but wanted to make sure with Dr. M's confirmation.  So, Kevan and I waited (he was in surgery) until we could see him.  We just played around on our phones for 30 minutes and the time went by pretty fast.  :o)  I was very happy though...thinking that nothing was wrong and I'd be going home.

Dr. M came in and in the next 5 minutes he burst my bubble of happiness.  He immediately mentioned needle and drain.  I obviously got emotional because I hate both words.  He could tell I was getting emotional, but he knew that putting in a drain if he found fluid (seroma) was the right thing to do.   I already have potential issues because I've had 3 lymph nodes removed from that side and it is my cancer side so there was more trauma to the area during surgeries.  Of course, I wanted what was best, but I didn't want to go through anything else so I was starting to cry a little just thinking about it.  Miss L and Miss B prepped the room for my "minor" surgery.  I was so glad they were going to let Kevan stay.  He moved his chair to the other side of me, held my hand and prayed for me.  Then, Dr. M stuck a few needles in me to numb the area (OUCH!!!) and then did the procedure to find any fluid that was there.  I felt a lot of pressure and some "jamming" which I did not care for.  lol!  I didn't watch, but looked at Kevan the whole time.  At one point he had a weird expression on his face that scared me so I told him he wasn't allowed to watch if he was going to make faces that scare me.  lol!  So, then he just continued to watch, but put his hand over his mouth so I couldn't read him.  Anyway, there was quite a bit of fluid so Dr. M did need to put in a drain.  Have I told you how much I HATE DRAINS!  Ugh!  I am grateful for them, of course, because they have a great purpose, but I just don't like this thing stuck in my body that has a big long tube that gross stuff drains through to get to a "bulb" that we have to empty 3 times a day.  Dr. M also noticed a blister that had formed and lanced it (ouch!).  For those that are brave and can look at medical stuff...I've uploaded a picture of what the blister and drain site looks like.  It isn't pretty!  So, click here to see a picture.  I made the picture really small because it just looks grotesque looking at it any bigger. I will have to have the drain until the fluid coming out is less than 5cc's for 3 days.  Last Monday, they removed my drains and the count had to be less than 20cc for 2 days.  So, you can see that the threshold has to be a lot less now.  My appointment to have it removed is next Thursday, but if it is more than 5cc's I will have to move it.  I am praying it is next Thursday!

It is funny that the whole time I was laying on the table going through this, in my mind, I was thinking......"I want a big piece of Gondola's cake for having to go through this".  LOL!!!  I've fallen off the diet wagon and have cheated a few times lately.  If we had driven past it on the way home I would've made Kevan go buy me a piece of cake.  :p  I love their cake and I think it would've made me feel a little better.  LOL!

I am so thankful for Miss L and Miss B for always making me feel better when I have to go through these procedures or if I'm just having a rough time of it.  I'm also thankful for the ability that God has given to Dr. M.  Not just his plastic surgery abilities, but also his wisdom today to see that something was wrong and that he knew what to do.  Please Lord, please bless each of them.  Now, I will say that I think my little procedure was already a blessing to Miss L and Miss B because they both enjoy the little mini surgeries in the office.  lol!  I can't imagine it!  But, Miss L was pretty excited.  :o)  

Finally, I want to say how wonderful my husband was to sit there and hold my hand the whole time and to pray with me.  I am so thankful for him and his support.  People tell me I am such a strong person all the time, but I have so much support (Kevan, Family, Friends, God) and that is how I'm able to be strong.  After each of the things I go through I appreciate so much more what my mother-in-law, Judy, went through.  She has had breast cancer twice.  She is a single woman.  I don't know how she did it.  Kevan went to her appointments with her and tried to help her, but he wasn't there for her first cancer experience because he lived in Texas.  Also, he couldn't help her, like he does me, because that is just weird....cuz she's his mom.  Ha!  Anyway, Judy....you are the strongest woman I know.  I don't know how you did it.  I love you so much.  I wish I would've known you then so I could've helped you through each thing.  I'm glad God was with you though and got you through it.  I can't imagine my life without you in it.

Encouragement and Unspeakable Joy!

What a difference a week makes!  Or 8 months.  I am a week and 2 days out from my final reconstruction surgery.  The swelling is gone, the pain is getting better, the stitches have been removed and things are looking good.  I wanted to write a post to encourage those women that have to go through the same procedures.  The journey is hard, painful, stressful, discouraging, sad.....but in the end....it is worth it.  I have talked on this blog many times about the pain and internal turmoil I experienced the first time I saw myself after my double mastectomy and how it took weeks...maybe even months for me to look at myself without crying.  Sometimes crying the whole remainder of the day.  It was hard to experience and hard to believe that I would ever look normal again.  God was with me though and I prayed and prayed that the doctors and my husband would be right.  That I would be able to look at myself and be okay with it.  That God would answer my prayer and I would look normal again.  I know a lot of you prayed as well.

I am here as a witness now to say, "I look pretty darn good!".  God answered those prayers!  In some ways, I look better than I did before I had breast cancer.  I am very happy with the results.  The surgeon was able to use new technologies to do so much...it is pretty unbelievable.  I still have a lot of healing left, but things should improve week by week.  My scars will eventually fade and as far as I can tell....no one would ever know I have breast implants under this skin.  The implants we chose look so natural.  I didn't want to look fake and I don't.  Praise God!  The tissue expanders felt like rocks....the implants feel so much better.  They took the sutures/stitches out yesterday so those areas still need healing and I still have dissolving stitches all along the bottom of my breasts, but I have joy today.  I can see now what the doctor and my husband kept telling me in the beginning.  I would look normal again and I would be happy with it.  I am.  I am grateful to God for blessing me so much.  I am so so so grateful that my husband is excited and very happy as well at how things are looking.  lol!  As a married woman, this means more to me than my own acceptance of myself. <tears are falling from my eyes now.  Tears of joy.> But, to have both (mine and my husband's joy in it) and not having to feel like I "look as good as can be expected after breast cancer".....but I "look good" and believe I will look great in weeks to come is huge to me....this is HUGE to me.  God's grace.  God's love for me.  It overwhelms me.

How I look shouldn't matter.  I know this.  Who really sees me anyway besides myself and my husband?  But, it matters.  It matters that I feel beautiful for my husband.  It would matter even if I was a single woman.  It matters that underneath it all I'm not left with the memory of the horror of it every time I see myself without clothes, but instead the beauty of what God has done for me.  He brought me through a very hard time and left me better than I was before.  Not just on the outside, but also on the inside.  Only my Lord can do something this powerful.   Oh, how I love Him.  I know it mattered to my Father because it mattered to me.  He doesn't do things small.....He delivers BIG.  He is the Creator of the world....why couldn't He make me look great again?  Of course He can!  He made man from the dust of the earth....He spoke the world into being.  He healed me from cancer, He walked with me through it all, He gave me strength to endure it and HE gives me this joy today.  I am so thankful and blessed.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

This song....is so fitting for my heart today and for the season - UNSPEAKABLE JOY!

"After" Picture

We went to see my plastic surgeon yesterday to discuss my surgery on December 5th.  For some reason they thought I had canceled my appointment so we had to wait a little longer to be "fit in", but we were in/out within the hour.  Normally, they take me to a room and have me put on a paper vest (I hate them).  This time I got to put on a very nice white robe.  Very luxurious and way better than the paper disposable vest!  A nurse came it to "look" at the results of my previous surgery, fills, etc.  She said, "Wow, you are one of the lucky ones that actually looks good in tissue expanders!"  That was a huge compliment.  Who knows?  She may say that to everyone...I don't know.  But, it sure made me feel good. 

The doctor came in about 30 minutes later and we talked over size, implants, etc....same things we discussed with my other plastic surgeon.  He talked to us a little about the 410 (gummy bear) implants that we've decided on and why they are still waiting to be FDA approved.  Then, he informed us that he invented the breast tissue expander.  [side note - I didn't believe him when he said it in his office.  I researched it when we got to the car...he was telling the truth. He was the inventor.]  Now, I know that I have a love/hate relationship with these expanders (aka: rocks), but they are what made me pretty again.  They provided a way for me to be normal again.  How awesome is God that he sent me to the man that actually invented the best modern technology used today for breast reconstruction?  I am so blessed.  He is so good to me.  Seriously, I had no idea what doctor to go to and I ended up with the one that is the best in our area....maybe the country.  I don't know about you, but I don't believe it wasn't an accident.  It was God ordained.

The doctor had the nurse take more pictures and then shortly after he came back in with my "after" picture.  Let's just say....if I look as good as my projected after picture I will be a VERY happy woman.  LOL!  He said, "I need to add....exact results are not guaranteed"...as he doesn't know what will happen once I get into surgery or if my body will reject the fat grafting.  But, I'm pretty excited and ready for my surgery!  lol!  God has been with me this far and He has exceeded my expectations throughout this whole journey.  Yes, the mastectomy was awful and the chemo treatments were hard....but it could've been so much worse.  I know He will be with me during this final surgery so I will be praying that I look like my after picture in the end.  :o)  I told Kevan we shouldn't keep the picture since it is a naked picture and who knows who might end up seeing it if it's laying around the house.  lol!  He was like..."No way...I'm keeping it to compare."  lol!  He wants to see how close the doctor's work looks like the picture in the end.  Funny!  No!  I won't be scanning in and showing you all my projected after picture.  Sorry.  :o)  The doctor also felt my stomach, sides, etc and then patted my stomach a little and said, "we'll take care of that too while we are in there".  Um....excuse me?  Did you just call me fat?  lol!  I guess he did.  He's used to nip and tucking everything...so he wants to rid me of my excess fat.  I'm all for it!  He has to use it for fat grafting so who am I to argue?  ;o)

One downside to the surgery is that he is not in my insurance network so we will have to pay 30% of the bill.  When you are talking about thousands of dollars...30% is a big chunk...especially when my husband is without a job.  :o( Yes, my hubby is job-less as of this Thursday.  Tomorrow is his last day.  I have a little anxiety over it because of the unknown....but I know in my heart that God will provide.  It is a little scary to think he might not get a job right away...but I just need to keep telling myself that God knows what are needs are. 

On another note, Kevan and I were in a church production (drama/play) over the weekend.  We had 3 performances.  We had VERY small parts in it and it was a lot of work having to rehearse, memorize lines, come up with costumes, etc......but we loved every minute of it.  It was a joy to spend so much time with our church family and also to see people respond to the "Night of Reality: Secret Sins" production.  We had many people make life changing decisions after the drama ended.  This was one reason we've been so busy.  I mention it only to say that we began being a part of this only a few weeks out from my last chemo.  I have felt so good that I was able to be a part of this.  Such a blessing!

Love you all....God bless every one of you!

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" - Matthew 6:25-27 

Plastic Surgeon Update

Kevan and I met with my plastic surgeon on Tuesday.  It was her first day back from maternity leave/bed rest.  So, it was the first time I have seen her since my surgery on 5/8.   I am happy to finally have my final reconstruction surgery date.  My surgery will be December 5th.  This surgery is for my "exchange" of tissue expanders (aka "rocks") to implants.  I am looking forward to my surgery, but at the same time I am dreading it a little.  I hate "going under" and I also hate waking up in pain.  I've been reading a lot online about the recovery and it sounds like the first 5 days are similar to the mastectomy surgery (can't sleep flat, can't get myself up by myself, pain meds around the clock, drains, etc).  But, after that most women are able to resume their normal schedule.  Except for lifting restrictions.  Of course, I will be posting about my experience so I can help other women know what they may experience if they have to go through it too.

Size
The PS looked at how well I'm doing and thought the tissue expanders looked great.  Her nurse, "L", really did a great job while she was out.  We finally talked about "size" and "implant type".  Kevan and I talked a little about what we were thinking size-wise.  Then, she talked to us about my frame-size and torso-size and what she recommended.  She said that if women small like me go too big the implant/breast will protrude out the side of the chest because my frame is so small.  She doesn't recommend going too big because I will hate doing anything (farm chores, sports, etc) where I use arm movement because my arm will constantly be running into my implant/breast on the side.  I totally trust her opinion.  We are going to go a little bigger than what I had before cancer, but not too big.  I have never wanted to look like Dolly or wanted my chest to be noticed when I walk into a room.  So, I think that will be just fine.  I just want to feel girlie.  She said that they will bring several implants into the surgery of different sizes.  They will fit them into my chest "pockets" that have been formed by the tissue expanders, raise me up (while I'm under anesthesia), check to see how they fit and choose the best size for my frame...while keeping in mind what Kevan and I would like me to end up with.  I think that is fair.

Implants
We talked over the good/bad about each implant (silicone, saline, silicone/gel) in regards to my body.  She really likes the plain round silicone implants because they are easy to place and if they end up turning it doesn't matter since they are round.  But, she feels this implant may "ripple" since I do not have much flesh left after the mastectomy and my skin is so thin.  If we did choose these they would try to fill as much of the area that may ripple with fat (from somewhere else on my body...think liposuction), but it may not hold (it can be rejected by the body).  So, it would require another surgery to try to inject the fat again.  Also, the plain silicone implant would sit up higher and be more round and more fake.  I want to look more natural and I don't want to have to have an additional surgery due to rippling.  So, we decided on the 410 "Gummy Bear" silicone implants.  She said if she was me this is what she would choose.  It is less likely to ripple, it's textured (to help it stay in place) and is shaped like a tear drop to look more natural.  Due to this my PS can't do my surgery because they are still in clinical trials.  Her partner will be doing my surgery.  I meet with him on 10/29.  Also, with 410 implants, because they are gel they cannot leak into the body.

Fat injection/Liposuction
Before the surgery my surgeon will ask me what areas of my body I'm unhappy with due to excess fat.  This, is just one of the blessings of the surgery.  lol!  Then, with a blue pen the surgeon will circle different areas that I choose so that during surgery he can remove fat from those areas (liposuction) to use in the breast reconstruction.  I have to say...I'm a little excited about getting my excess fat removed.  lol!  I know it won't all be removed, but hey....even a little is good...that is a few less crunches or lunges.  Right?  I also read that it is pretty painful so I'm not looking forward to that aspect of it. 

Reflection
When I think back to when I first saw myself after my bilateral mastectomy 5 months ago it is an awful memory.  I was flat chested and things turned black due to lack of blood flow.  Kevan was my cheerleader though and kept reassuring me that things were going to get better...that this wasn't the final result.  I think God gave Kevan some special grace because I don't know how he looked at me then and thought so positively.  Thank you Lord for him and for all your prayers during that time.  But, if you have to go through this...remember....there is hope!  Kevan was right....after each PS visit (and fill) I started to look more normal.  The bruising and black areas faded and now everything looks "normal".  I have to say that if I had to look the way I do today and couldn't have the surgery I would probably be pretty okay with the results.  I mean, I've had cancer.  I look pretty good and the technology they use today is pretty awesome.  I hate these tissue expanders, but they provided a huge purpose in how I look today and it was worth going through it.  If I had cancer 50 years ago I would look similar to that first day minus the bruising.  I wouldn't have been able to save my N's.  So, I am already blessed so much.  My PS told me that based on how I look today she thinks I will look really good when I come out of surgery.  The sunk-in places of flesh that are missing (where the oncological surgeon had to get clear margins) will be filled in my fat injection.  My scars will fade over time and hopefully it will be hard to tell what I've gone through.  God is so awesome.  He has walked with me through this whole journey and continues to bless me so much.

Fractured Rib
Funny/painful story.  I was laying in bed on Monday, 5 days ago ,and I decided to flip over on my side.  When, I did...I heard a POP.  Well, I think my tissue expander fractured my rib.  I have been in so much pain whenever I move or lift something.  I talked with the PS about it.  She thinks it might have been scar banding that popped and the nurse said it may have been a suture that tore where my expanders are sutured in.  In both cases it should've been better by today.  It's not.  Which leads me to think it is a fractured rib.  I've been taking Advil for the pain, but it doesn't help that much.  I wanted an x-ray, but the PS said there isn't anything they can do for a fractured rib anyway.  So, I will just have to wait it out.

Nails
I had mentioned in previous chemo updates that I was keeping my nails short so that I didn't lose any.  I had heard that a lot of women lose their nails or that they tore if they let them get long.  My nails made it through chemo great.  A couple weeks after the last chemo I let them start growing.  Then, about 1 weeks ago I woke up one morning and EVERY nail was ripped close to the skin.  So, please keep in mind if you go through chemo that it is still affecting my nails weeks after treatment.  I'm still having to keep them short.  The nail is just not strong enough yet.  So, I will be waiting another month or so before I try to grow them out again.  It would probably help to have polish on them...but I'm not crazy about nail polish.

Thanks again for reading my posts, for your prayers and thoughts.  I appreciate every one of you.  Even those I don't even know are reading my blog. 

All Filled up!

I had a plastic surgeon appointment earlier this week.  I was able to get my last fill of 50cc's.  Due to the size of my frame my doctor had to use a small tissue expander in each breast and they only hold 300cc.  So, I am now all "filled up".  Each tissue expander has 300cc's of saline.   This doesn't mean I can't go bigger if my hubby and I choose to, but for now, while I finish chemo there will be no more fills.  I guess they can add a little more to each expander, but my doctor will not be back from maternity leave until October so we are going to discuss it more then.  Also, the actual implant can be bigger than the size of the tissue expander.  It is pretty hard to decide what "size" I want to end up with.  Since tissue expanders have no give to them and they are so hard I cannot really try on swimsuits or similar attire and get an idea of what size I am now.  They just don't cooperate.  Also, I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but when I had the mastectomy the surgeon needed to get clear margins so I have a lot of flesh removed above my breast, which will be added back using fat from my stomach (yay!).  But, since this flesh is missing there is no way to imagine what it will look like after my final surgery.

We also discussed the surgery time frame with them.  I would like to have my final surgery by the end of the year since I have met all of my insurance deductibles and if it is any later we will have to pay even more out-of-pocket.  They are going to work with us to schedule a December surgery date ahead of time.  Kevan has researched the different implant options and we are going to go with an implant that is still waiting to be approved by the FDA.  The implants are 410's or "gummy bear implants".  They look more natural.  I don't want to look like I have big implants in my chest.  They have been in clinical trials for 12 years (I think) and are VERY close to being approved this year, but might not be approved in time for my surgery.  Due to this, my plastic surgeon will not be able to do the final surgery.  Her partner, who is using them in a clinical trial will be, but he is only allowed to do so many per month.  So, I need to get on his schedule now.  At the end of this post I have added a few links regarding the type of implant we are wanting in case you are interested.  We still need to find out if I'm a candidate for them.  We are praying I am.  I've read a lot of the breast reconstruction forums regarding the 410's and a lot of women are happy with them and can even sleep on their stomach's once again!  I can't wait until that day!

While we were in their office they took a 4D picture of my chest.  It was pretty cool.  The software actually detected different "issues" that can be fixed during the final surgery.  We were able to see what I currently look like from all different angles and the software was able to be manipulated so that we could see what different implant types would look like and size.  Also, my rib cage is different on each side of my chest so we could see that one breast appears smaller than the other when we look from a certain angle even though they have the same amount of saline right now.  Since the surgeon can see this prior to surgery (using the software) he can fix this in surgery by adding a little more to the one breast than the other.  One thing that they have told us OVER AND OVER is that no women's breasts are the same on each side.  Even before my mastectomy they were not equal (they have pictures to prove it to me.  HaHa!)...so they will not be perfect afterwards, but they try their best to help them look as similar as possible.  I'm just happy that I can have reconstruction and that I can have somewhat normal breasts in the end.

I talked to them about my scars and how I can help them fade faster.  They recommend a 100% silicone product called, ScarAway.  It is sold at many local stores without a prescription.  This product can be used on any scar.  Whether it is a surgical scar (C-section, mastectomy, etc), burn, cut, etc.  I started using it yesterday.  I'll let you know how it works.

I have 2 more days until my next chemo treatment.  Ugh!  My parents are going to come down from Michigan to help this time so Kevan isn't having to help me all by himself.  I'm really looking forward to them coming.  It is always nice to have your mom with you when you are sick or need some extra love.   Also, wanted to mention that we were at Walmart Thursday night and I kept complaining about how bad my feet hurt.  I told Kev we needed to hurry because I didn't think I was going to be able to walk on them much longer.  I didn't know what was causing it.  Then, Kevan said he remembered that I had this problem after my 1st treatment.  I looked back in my journal and he is right.  There were a few days (starting at Day 15 both times) where I was begging him to give me foot massages.  He gives great foot massages.  So, apparently this is another chemo side effect.  But, it will subside I'm sure before my treatment in a few days.  Saturday night it was a lot better.

Gummy Bear Implant links:

http://www.drpfeifer.com/gummy-bear-implants-new-york-city.html

http://www.theplasticsurgerychannel.com/gummy-bear-implants-for-breast-reconstruction/

http://www.plasticsurgeryportal.com/articles/gummi-bear-breast-implants/113

60cc's Baby!

I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon's office today.  I had my 3rd fill (60cc's baby!) and now I am the size I was before my surgery.  I look so much more normal now!  It is amazing.  I am praising God because I was really worried there for a few weeks.  I remember the hours of crying after I would look in the mirror and now....I look pretty good.  I still have my scars, but I can live with them!  They will eventually turn white and won't be as noticeable.  The expander is no longer "lumpy" and is much fuller so the skin on the outside looks normal now.  Yay!  If you are going through this and you are discouraged....just know that it only took me 6 weeks to get back to my pre-Op size.  That isn't very long at all.  My chest is very hard again, but it will soften as the days go by between fills and the skin stretches.  She also said when I have my final surgery they should feel normal again (big relief!).  It had been 20 days since my last fill so I had time to soften a little bit and the skin had more time to stretch. It was way more comfortable getting the fill this time.  I think the extra week between fills really helped.  I took 2 Advil before I arrived and I have a little bit of pain, but not too bad.  Just feels like a sore muscle across my chest.  I have no nerves left so I can't feel a thing while she's doing the fill, just pressure, it is weird.  lol!  She said I will probably only need 1 or 2 more fills.  During my next office visit she is going to scan in my picture and use software to show me what I will look like post final surgery.  My oncological surgeon told me about their software and he said it is pretty accurate to what I will look like in the end.  This will be the appointment where we finally discuss "size".  I think Kevan is really looking forward to this appointment.  lol! 

Also, I showed her where my skin is pulling on the outside of both breasts when I extend my arms.  It is causing me pain/discomfort when I'm reaching or putting my arms over my head.  She believes it is scar banding so she's referred me to the physical therapist.  She thinks the PT will be able to massage it and do some exercises with me to help it and maybe fix it altogether.  Great news to me!  She said it happens to a lot of thin, tall women.  I guess we are the wimps that don't do our exercises soon enough because we are in pain.  :o)  That is what caused it....not doing my exercises that first week I arrived home.  I tried, of course, but would give up because it hurt so bad.  Remember, don't be Jayde!  Do your exercises!

She also lifted all restrictions this week!  I can go to the gym, take baths again, wear a normal bra, go in a hot tub or pool.  Yay!!  The only thing I cannot do is lift over 30 pounds.  Also, she noticed that my N's are looking good and the pigment is looking good too.  Praising God again for that!  We went from almost black N's (eww!) that had blood flow problems during Post-Op Week 1 to having N's that look like they did before surgery.  Another big praise!  Thank you all for your prayers.

It is so strange talking about my breasts and my N's, but this is an important part of being a woman.  Especially a married woman who wants to look nice for her husband.  If I had my arm or leg cut off, wouldn't I look into getting a prosthetic?  There are so many women out there going through this and I just want them to know that even through the struggle God is there, helping us, comforting us and giving us hope.  He even cares about our N's.  I know some women don't get to keep their N's, but He is still there with you and if you don't get to keep them He has given doctor's wonderful N making skills.  It is pretty crazy how real they look. 

I just have to keep telling myself that I am blessed.  50 years ago they didn't have the new methods they do today.  I would not have looked this good.  I have breast cancer and could've (or could still) die.  Getting rid of the cancer is more important than how I look, but how I look to my husband is runner up for me.  It is a blessing that during this struggle I have good doctor's to help me with both.  Thank you Lord.  You are amazing.

 
"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." - Colossians 3:17

Also, my favorite thing about going to Nashville for my doctor's appointments is that I get to go to Qdoba for lunch afterwards!  I love Qdoba!  Be happy with the little things....life is so much more joyful (or joy-filled).  :o)