Encouragement and Unspeakable Joy!

What a difference a week makes!  Or 8 months.  I am a week and 2 days out from my final reconstruction surgery.  The swelling is gone, the pain is getting better, the stitches have been removed and things are looking good.  I wanted to write a post to encourage those women that have to go through the same procedures.  The journey is hard, painful, stressful, discouraging, sad.....but in the end....it is worth it.  I have talked on this blog many times about the pain and internal turmoil I experienced the first time I saw myself after my double mastectomy and how it took weeks...maybe even months for me to look at myself without crying.  Sometimes crying the whole remainder of the day.  It was hard to experience and hard to believe that I would ever look normal again.  God was with me though and I prayed and prayed that the doctors and my husband would be right.  That I would be able to look at myself and be okay with it.  That God would answer my prayer and I would look normal again.  I know a lot of you prayed as well.

I am here as a witness now to say, "I look pretty darn good!".  God answered those prayers!  In some ways, I look better than I did before I had breast cancer.  I am very happy with the results.  The surgeon was able to use new technologies to do so much...it is pretty unbelievable.  I still have a lot of healing left, but things should improve week by week.  My scars will eventually fade and as far as I can tell....no one would ever know I have breast implants under this skin.  The implants we chose look so natural.  I didn't want to look fake and I don't.  Praise God!  The tissue expanders felt like rocks....the implants feel so much better.  They took the sutures/stitches out yesterday so those areas still need healing and I still have dissolving stitches all along the bottom of my breasts, but I have joy today.  I can see now what the doctor and my husband kept telling me in the beginning.  I would look normal again and I would be happy with it.  I am.  I am grateful to God for blessing me so much.  I am so so so grateful that my husband is excited and very happy as well at how things are looking.  lol!  As a married woman, this means more to me than my own acceptance of myself. <tears are falling from my eyes now.  Tears of joy.> But, to have both (mine and my husband's joy in it) and not having to feel like I "look as good as can be expected after breast cancer".....but I "look good" and believe I will look great in weeks to come is huge to me....this is HUGE to me.  God's grace.  God's love for me.  It overwhelms me.

How I look shouldn't matter.  I know this.  Who really sees me anyway besides myself and my husband?  But, it matters.  It matters that I feel beautiful for my husband.  It would matter even if I was a single woman.  It matters that underneath it all I'm not left with the memory of the horror of it every time I see myself without clothes, but instead the beauty of what God has done for me.  He brought me through a very hard time and left me better than I was before.  Not just on the outside, but also on the inside.  Only my Lord can do something this powerful.   Oh, how I love Him.  I know it mattered to my Father because it mattered to me.  He doesn't do things small.....He delivers BIG.  He is the Creator of the world....why couldn't He make me look great again?  Of course He can!  He made man from the dust of the earth....He spoke the world into being.  He healed me from cancer, He walked with me through it all, He gave me strength to endure it and HE gives me this joy today.  I am so thankful and blessed.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

This song....is so fitting for my heart today and for the season - UNSPEAKABLE JOY!

Bad Bad Jayde!

Well, in my last post I mentioned how I was unhappy with my range of motion.  Well, turns out it isn't the tissue expander sutures at all.  Actually, it is my fault.  Oops!  I guess my sutures have already dissolved so I can't blame it on the sutures anymore.  Due to my lack of arm exercises I've developed scar tissue and that is what is pulling whenever I try to use my arms.  So, what did you learn?  DO YOUR EXERCISES!  Don't be Jayde.  She said that I should be able to still get back to where I used to be (she's seen worse!)...but I need to really start to do my exercises.  The sad thing is.....I read my doctor's email last night and um.....I have only done them once so far today and it is almost 8pm.  I guess I'd better get off of here and go do some exercises.

Also, wanted to ask for prayer for my N's again.  I don't want to go into too much detail (since men read this too!) but they need some prayer.  I guess I'm having blood flow problems again that is causing some pigment issues [update from Kev: there are actually no blood flow issues, Jayde has healed excellently with respect to that, the issue is that some of the healing areas do not have the same level of pigment, that is all, typical of scar tissue, Jayde just misunderstood that section of an email from her doctor].  :o(  My poor N's.  They've been through a lot.  They need prayer.  If you don't know what an "N" is....you can read this post.  I'm a little embarrassed using the "N" word so I just shortened it to "N's".  It just sounds so much better!

The doctor also told me why I'm having this weird feeling of cold sweat running down my underarm.  It is a strange sensation and there is nothing wet when I go to feel it.  I know, TMI.  Anyway, I'm not losing my mind.  It is the nerve sensation returning.  Yay!  Which is good news.  :o)

Each day I seem to feel better than the day before.  Which is such a blessing.  I slept better last night, but still had to keep waking up to reposition myself to help with the pain. I am so thankful though as it is not as bad as it has been.

7 more days until my next "fill" and 12 more days until chemo.  Eek!

Started back to work....

I started back to work yesterday.  This probably means the blog posts will be fewer because I won't have much time.  I have been off for 5 weeks.  It is great to get back on my normal schedule.  I didn't realize how much I missed work and missed my co-workers until I started back yesterday.  It has been great to hear everyone's voice again.  Most of you know, I work from home.  I am really blessed that I can still recuperate at home and I don't have to rush to get ready, drive to work, etc.  I am feeling the "rush" of work already though.  lol!  But, it is a good thing.  Takes my mind of cancer, chemo and Kevan being gone.  I only have 19 days left until chemo starts.  Eek!

I am finally sleeping without having to prop myself up.....which is wonderful.  I'm sleeping pretty much straight with just two pillows under my head.  Hopefully, in a few days I'll be back to just one pillow.  I was able to finally sleep on my side a little last night.  Yay!  I am a stomach sleeper and, of course, I have not been able to sleep on my stomach.  I hate sleeping on my back so it was SO nice to finally be able to turn a little without much pain.  It did hurt after a while (I think it was the TE sutures pulling), but I was still excited to be able to do it even for a little bit.  Each day brings more things I can do once again.  It makes me appreciate all the little things that I took for granted before.

I haven't talked to Kevan since he arrived in Mexico.  It's been hard.  I can send him emails while he is there, but he has no way to reply.  I've been emailing him each day and they print it off and give it to him at breakfast.  If you are reading this and want to send him encouragement let me know (through email or FB) and I'll send you the email to send it to.  He would love to receive encouragement from others.  Hopefully, he's keeping a journal so he can remember the things he experienced and won't forget to tell me.  Also, some pictures have been uploaded to FB.  Here is a picture of Kevan praying over the town they will be ministering too.  A beautiful picture of my hubby doing one of the most incredible things that God has gifted us with.  Prayer.  We are so blessed that we can pray to God....the Creator of all things.  He listens, answers, loves and cares for us.  Amazing.

I don't really have much else going on.  No doctors appointments for 2 more weeks.  I still have quite a bit of pain in the afternoons, starting around 3pm.  Mornings are my best time.  Night time is a lot better and I'm able to sleep at least 4-5 hours now without waking up in pain.  I miss taking baths, I hate that I still have to take pain meds and I really hate that my chest feels like 2 big rocks (literally)!  I still wake up trying to figure out why I have a bra on and why my underwire is puncturing me.  Then, I realize, "Oh ya, that's not a bra, that is my body.  My weird freaky body".  lol!  But, I know this is only for a time.  So, I will just continue to pray for strength, healing and acceptance.  It is hard for me to accept.  Sometimes, I want to go backwards to when I looked normal, wasn't in pain and didn't know I had cancer.  It is strange that sometimes during the day I even stop and think "Really?  Is it true?  I have breast cancer and I've had a double mastectomy?"  I guess because it has only been a short time and this all happened so fast.  It is just hard to believe it's me with these 8 scars and more coming later during my final surgery. 

I feel like I'm whining.  Lol!  So, I better end this post.  I love you all and I thank you so much for your prayers for me and for Kevan.  

4 Weeks Post-Op and It is a Special Day

Today I am 4 weeks post-op.  Feels more like 6 weeks in some ways and 2 in others.  I'm still having good days and bad days & good nights and bad nights.  Two nights ago I slept the entire night without pain.  I had decided that the bra and the wrap had to go.  I always wear one or the other and they put pressure on my chest and also irritate my incisions so I decided to just wear a soft tank top.  I slept all night with no pain.  I was so excited!  But, I don't know if I overdid it yesterday or what but I had a terrible afternoon yesterday of pain, all night and this morning.  I just broke down and took a 1/2 a Valium to see if it would help the muscle pain.  So, if this post starts to become incoherent....it's the Valium.  :o)

I emailed my doctor to make sure it was okay to not wear a wrap or a bra since I had read online that some mastectomy/reconstruction patients were told they must at all times in order to provide support to their tissue expanders.  Well, she said since my TE's are sutured in I can go without support.  This was music to my ears!  I feel a lot better without all the pressure.   When I'm home or sleeping no more bra!  I know that is TMI, but I'm trying to help those other ladies out there who are struggling like me.  My doctor also told me to "Quit reading online!"  lol!  She explained that all doctors are different and each patient is different and if I have a question just email her.

Yesterday I spent the day with 4 wonderful ladies.  We took a scenic drive through one of the Smoky Mountain auto touring trails called, "Roaring Fork".  It was a beautiful drive and I love history so it was so fun to see the old cabins, barns and mills that they used to live in/use.  At one point I climbed into the front seat from the back (of course using my arms) and then crawled back to the backseat (so the ladies in the back wouldn't have to get out of the car to let me out).  It was a mistake.  It hurt.  So, that was stupid #1 yesterday.  Then, I carried around and took pictures the whole time with my big Nikon camera with the big lens.  I think it did a number on my pectorals (stupid #2).  Then, I put my purse in the far back of the car and then received a text that was noisy and wouldn't stop until it was acknowledged.  So, I reached back to get it and pulled my right pectoral muscle pretty good (stupid #3).  It still was a great day though (I saw another bear in the wild...about 10 feet from me) and it ended with one of my favorite things.....Strawberry Shortcake.  :o)  (My Valium is kicking in....I'm starting to feel a little better!)

Today is June 5th.  Two special things are happening today.  It is my parent's 41st Wedding Anniversary!  I wish I was there to celebrate it with them. 

I hope/pray that Kevan and I will be married at least 41 years.  I pray God heals me of this cancer (with no recurrences) so we can live out as best friends until we are old and gray.  It is so amazing and such a blessing to have parents that are still together and have been able to live out so many years as best friends who love each other.  Even through the bad times they always worked it out and their children saw their struggle, their forgiveness of each other (if it was needed) and their love through it all.  They were always very affectionate towards each other (and still are) and I've always loved that I have parents that aren't scared to show how much they care about each other.  God has surely blessed you both!  Also, growing up....there was hardly a night that they didn't tell me they loved me as I went to bed.  I'm thankful for the parents God gave me. 

Here is a funny picture of us when we were all much younger (before Tasha came along).  I am not at home so I couldn't find a family picture that Tasha was in too.  Oh, and yes....I'm the mushroom head.  lol!  Sorry mom...I know you say that haircut was really the rage back then, but I cannot believe a bowl cut was in style. 

The other special thing today is that my husband is at the Nashville airport getting ready to get on a plane to Mexico for our church mission trip to Tijuana.  Please pray for their safety, time there and that God will work in their hearts and the hearts of those they come in contact with.