60cc's Baby!

I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon's office today.  I had my 3rd fill (60cc's baby!) and now I am the size I was before my surgery.  I look so much more normal now!  It is amazing.  I am praising God because I was really worried there for a few weeks.  I remember the hours of crying after I would look in the mirror and now....I look pretty good.  I still have my scars, but I can live with them!  They will eventually turn white and won't be as noticeable.  The expander is no longer "lumpy" and is much fuller so the skin on the outside looks normal now.  Yay!  If you are going through this and you are discouraged....just know that it only took me 6 weeks to get back to my pre-Op size.  That isn't very long at all.  My chest is very hard again, but it will soften as the days go by between fills and the skin stretches.  She also said when I have my final surgery they should feel normal again (big relief!).  It had been 20 days since my last fill so I had time to soften a little bit and the skin had more time to stretch. It was way more comfortable getting the fill this time.  I think the extra week between fills really helped.  I took 2 Advil before I arrived and I have a little bit of pain, but not too bad.  Just feels like a sore muscle across my chest.  I have no nerves left so I can't feel a thing while she's doing the fill, just pressure, it is weird.  lol!  She said I will probably only need 1 or 2 more fills.  During my next office visit she is going to scan in my picture and use software to show me what I will look like post final surgery.  My oncological surgeon told me about their software and he said it is pretty accurate to what I will look like in the end.  This will be the appointment where we finally discuss "size".  I think Kevan is really looking forward to this appointment.  lol! 

Also, I showed her where my skin is pulling on the outside of both breasts when I extend my arms.  It is causing me pain/discomfort when I'm reaching or putting my arms over my head.  She believes it is scar banding so she's referred me to the physical therapist.  She thinks the PT will be able to massage it and do some exercises with me to help it and maybe fix it altogether.  Great news to me!  She said it happens to a lot of thin, tall women.  I guess we are the wimps that don't do our exercises soon enough because we are in pain.  :o)  That is what caused it....not doing my exercises that first week I arrived home.  I tried, of course, but would give up because it hurt so bad.  Remember, don't be Jayde!  Do your exercises!

She also lifted all restrictions this week!  I can go to the gym, take baths again, wear a normal bra, go in a hot tub or pool.  Yay!!  The only thing I cannot do is lift over 30 pounds.  Also, she noticed that my N's are looking good and the pigment is looking good too.  Praising God again for that!  We went from almost black N's (eww!) that had blood flow problems during Post-Op Week 1 to having N's that look like they did before surgery.  Another big praise!  Thank you all for your prayers.

It is so strange talking about my breasts and my N's, but this is an important part of being a woman.  Especially a married woman who wants to look nice for her husband.  If I had my arm or leg cut off, wouldn't I look into getting a prosthetic?  There are so many women out there going through this and I just want them to know that even through the struggle God is there, helping us, comforting us and giving us hope.  He even cares about our N's.  I know some women don't get to keep their N's, but He is still there with you and if you don't get to keep them He has given doctor's wonderful N making skills.  It is pretty crazy how real they look. 

I just have to keep telling myself that I am blessed.  50 years ago they didn't have the new methods they do today.  I would not have looked this good.  I have breast cancer and could've (or could still) die.  Getting rid of the cancer is more important than how I look, but how I look to my husband is runner up for me.  It is a blessing that during this struggle I have good doctor's to help me with both.  Thank you Lord.  You are amazing.

 
"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." - Colossians 3:17

Also, my favorite thing about going to Nashville for my doctor's appointments is that I get to go to Qdoba for lunch afterwards!  I love Qdoba!  Be happy with the little things....life is so much more joyful (or joy-filled).  :o)

An Update from the Smokies

I'm sitting in a beautiful cabin near the Smoky Mountains while typing this.  My mother-in-law and  great-aunt in-laws are all here on vacation so I decided to stay with them while Kevan went on the mission trip to Mexico.  I thought it would be restful and wouldn't be alone so soon after surgery.  Here is the view from the upper deck of the cabin.  Beautiful!

I went to see my plastic surgeon on Friday for my 2nd tissue expander fill.  I was a little scared because the skin/expander felt so hard I thought she was going to tell me that I couldn't be expanded.  She was very positive about the left side getting expanded but not the right.  I even told her I didn't care if she put more in one side than the other since the left side is the one that looks so distorted...so it could only look better.  She brought the 60 cc syringes in and was able to get 40cc's on both.  I know I wanted 60, but I'm happy and I don't want to push it and be in pain because we rushed it.  I've heard online about women being too filled and having to go back to have some removed because the pain is so bad.  So, slower is probably good for me.  My next appointment is 6/21.  Since chemo is every 3 weeks and starts on 6/26 she wants me to come the week before chemo until we are done with the expansions.

Since this last expansion I think I look a lot better from the front.  Not so much like Frankenstein's bride.  lol!  But, the side view is not much to be desired.  lol!  But, it will all come together in time.  Thank the Lord for clothes!!  The best news of the day was that I'm allowed to wear deodorant again!  My husband is very happy.  Lol!  Also, I no longer have to bandage and use all of the medicated creams on my N's, incisions and drain scars.  From now on I will just need to use Aquifor on each area to keep it moist and to help with scarring.  Yay!  This makes me really happy and it won't take as long to get ready now.  It was taking us about 15-20 minutes every day just do to the medicating and bandaging.  Everything is healing really well.  The RN looked at Kevan and told him he did a wonderful job as my nurse because it all looks so good.  I praise God for my healing and your prayers to Him.  I have had no complications and I am so thankful for that. 

Some notes for me and for those that have expanders or implants:  She explained that because I no longer have feeling in this area (because the tissue, nerves, etc were removed) that when I go into the sun I won't be able to tell if my skin is getting hot.  So, since it is getting close to summer and I may go to the beach and wear a bathing suit, that I will need to put sunscreen on under my suit as well as on the non-covered skin.  She also said that the expanders and implants sort of absorb the sun instead of reflect it.  This is for life!  She said many women have been burned badly and blistered for not being aware of this.  I'm not much of a sun bather.  I usually sit under an umbrella reading at the beach anyway while Kevan enjoys the water.  He loves the water.  I'd rather be in the mountains than the beach.

Before Kevan dropped me off with my mother-in-law we stayed in a great bed & breakfast, Berry Springs B&B, in Sevierville, TN.  If you are in the area I highly recommend it.  Here is the view from the back deck.

The breakfast was wonderful.   They have a little hiking trail that takes you to 2 small ponds where you can fish (they let you use their fishing gear) or canoe.  They have bikes too if you want to ride around.  On the little trail we saw 6 bunnies.  They were so cute.  So, if you are married and you have to go through a double mastectomy/reconstruction....it doesn't mean you can't spend a romantic night away with your hubby a few weeks after surgery.  We had time the next day to take a drive around Cades Cove which is inside Smoky Mountain National Park.  We love it there.  We saw sever turkeys and deer which is what we always see and I have always wanted to see a bear.  Well, yesterday, I saw 3 bears!  First time in my life to see them in the wild.  I was getting teary eyed thinking about how much God has blessed me during this time.  One of the bears was about 4 feet from my face.  We saw him climbing on the side of the road when we drove by....he had the cutest little face, but when we turned around he was already gone.  I was still glad we saw him though and he was so close!  We really enjoyed our time together.  I'm already missing him and he hasn't even been gone 24 hours yet.  I'm a wimp.

Since my last post I have received a comment a few emails of people that read about the Spurgeon book on Heaven and either purchased it or are going to.  I was happy to hear it.  It will surely bless you and I know one of you already said it had.  :o)

Well, that is all for now.  My MIL and I are going to play some cards.  :o)

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Yesterday was a pretty big day.  A good day.  This will be a long post so I tried to divide it into little sections to make it easier to come back to if you want to read it, but can't read it all now.  

Before I get into what happened yesterday I want to say that I am excited to tell all of you that I was able to get out of bed all by myself today!  It was a HUGE milestone for me.  I am 15 days Post-Op and I know Kevan is very happy too.  I hated having to ask for help every time I need to get up, use the rest room or even adjust a little.  To me...I feel like it has been a lot longer than 15 days since my surgery, but it is good that the worst parts are over and 15 days is a pretty short time.  I think they were 2 of the most painful weeks of my life.  But, necessary ones and now looking back it doesn't seem as bad.

Also, as you read the below, "Miss L." is what I will call the RN that is at my Plastic Surgeon office.  She is wonderful and I thank God for her.  She is always smiling, reassuring, does her job well and just has a great personality.  RN just sounds too rough for such a sweet person.

Physical Therapist

I saw my PT.  She seemed to think I was doing a great job with my range of motion so far.  I admit that I am not good at doing my exercises (I'm sorry Ann N.!) so I was actually shocked that she said I was doing great.  She showed me some exercises I will need to start on Friday now that my drains are removed to help me get back to where I was before surgery and also to prevent lymphedema.  She also gave me my prescription for my pretty compression sleeves.  I will have to wear them when I fly, when I lift weights, do exercises, lift anything pretty heavy, etc.  This is all just a precaution so I don't develop lymphedema.  Since I've had 5 lymph nodes removed it is a risk.

When I saw Miss L. at the Plastic Surgeon she was not as impressed with my range of motion.  Dr. O (my plastic surgeon) is a strong supporter of immediate exercises right after surgery and that by 1 week post op I should be able to completely raise my arms above my head (with them completely straight) and touch my palms together.  I'm 15 days post op and I am not there yet.  I can do it, but my elbows are not straight.  So.....I hope/pray I get better at my exercises.

My N's

When I undressed and Miss L. (remember my doctor is on bed rest) saw my nipples she couldn't believe it.  The change was miraculous!  We all know why.  God healed them and supplied them with the blood flow they needed.  One of them was especially worrisome last week and now they both look just like they did pre-surgery (I get teary eyed just typing it I'm so happy).  Thank you all so much for your prayers for my "N's".  I am so so grateful.  I am also so thankful to my husband for his meticulous care he has taken with cleaning, medicating, bandaging my N's as well as my other incisions.  I know it is because of his great care too.  I was so scared I might lose one, but they both now have great blood flow to them.  Anyway, Miss L. was all smiles and was so excited for me.  She took pictures so she could send them to Dr. O and show her how much they improved.  I praise God for his blessing to me!

Drains

For those of you who have never had drains I will explain a little of the removal process.  If you have a weak stomach...skip this paragraph.  They are sutured in so that they don't get pulled while you have them in.  So, first, they remove the sutures.  This didn't hurt at all...just a little pinch here and there.  Miss L. then asked me to take two deep breaths, then breathe out a long breath.  As I breathed out the long breath she would pull and pull and pull on the drain until it was removed.  You can feel this big "snake" being pulled through the inside of your body until it is removed.  It is VERY freaky and there is some minor pain with it.  I hated it.  One of them I actually didn't even feel at all when she removed it.  It was awesome and then one was pretty painful and even hurt a little even after it was removed.  Kevan held my hand every time and watched them come out.  He said that the long tube for each is about 6-8 inches in the body.  Except one, it was about 12 inches.  Miss L. said it was the longest drain she had ever removed from someone.  I'm so special.  lol!  We had a lot of problems with this drain getting "clogged" too and hurting when Kevan would strip it, but it did finally start working okay.  It always burned inside my body though when he stripped it.  I hated that drain and I'm glad it is gone!  If you have to go through this and have drains it is a very annoying and uncomfortable part of the journey, but it is NECESSARY.  they don't really hurt unless you pull on your sutures, if one gets "cloggy" and when you get them out.  Don't be scared.  I actually will have to experience them again when I have my expander to implant exchange during my final reconstruction and although I'm really not looking forward to it I know it is necessary.  God will be with me again as he was this time.  I will be praying as I get them out (for strength) and I will be just as joyful when they are removed as I am today.  :o)

Expander Fill

Kevan took a picture of what the expander that is in my body looks like (see below).  It is sort of like an implant, that is rough feeling on the outside, with a big magnet in the middle (for the nurse to find where they need to insert the needle for each fill) and has 3 tabs on it that are used to suture it in place so it doesn't move around.

Yesterday I had my first fill.  Miss L. brought in two huge syringes with 60cc's of saline in both.  To give you an idea of 60cc's that is the amount that is in a shot glass.  Not much.  She finds the magnet and then takes a butterfly needle and inserts it into where it needs to be.  Then, uses the syringe to inject the saline.  At the same time she pushes around on the expander/breast to feel how full the skin is feeling.  When she did the left one I didn't feel anything at all.  Since they removed everything during the mastectomy it is normal to not have feeling.  When she did the right side I did feel a little pinch and she said it was probably the muscle that I was feeling.  It wasn't bad at all.  The sad part is.  I am so small framed and have such thin skin that she could only fill 30cc's in both.  :o(  This is going to be a long road getting to the final size.  But, I am grateful to have this option and that it is pretty much pain-free when I have the fill.  Now, the expander itself is NOT pain-free.  It feels like I have metal armor in my body under the skin and every time I move I can feel it.  Sometimes it is pretty painful and Miss L. said it was because of the tabs sutures.  

Also, if you see the picture on the right...that is what it looks like now, but on the inside.  Flat and ripply.  So, you can only imagine what it looks like on the outside.  :o(  Expanders are not made to help you look pretty.  They are only made to help expand the skin in order to do the final reconstruction of placing the implant.  So, it will always look ugly until the final exchange.  But, I'm thankful that it is possible and I will try my best to deal with the ugliness until then and pray that the final result will be pretty.  If everything goes well and looks good my next fill will be next Friday.

The fill makes me feel "full" and pretty achy.  I have 2 more days that my chest will have to continue to be "wrapped" once we do our normal care of the "wounds".  Then, on Friday I will be able to start wearing a bra for the first time since surgery (using gauze/medication still on the incisions).  I'm pretty excited to feel normal again and that I can wear a bra.  They let me pick out 3 cute ones that I will use from now on.  I love polka dots so I was pretty happy that one was available.  lol!  I know....TMI, but I was just so excited about the polka dots I had to share.  lol!  Now.....this is really hard on me.  I just had a double mastectomy and am going through the expander process.....so.....I am so embarrassed that I am "FLAT".  :o(  In a shirt....I look like a boy.  The bras are not the cute push-up ones you buy from Victoria Secret. So, I am a little sad about that and I will feel bad for Kevan that his wife looks like a boy in clothes, but I just keep telling myself it is only temporary. 

Pain

I now have to start weaning myself off of the great and wonderful pain medication.  This is good, but H-A-R-D.  I started last night.  Also, last night was the first night that Kevan and I slept in our bed together since my surgery.  It was nice to have him next to me again.  He said he would wake up to hear me moaning so he could tell I was in a lot of pain.  Which I was, but I don't remember moaning so I must have been asleep.  I am still in A LOT of pain this morning.  So much so that I don't even want to take my morning shower.  I just want to sit here in my robe and hold the stuffed kitty my dad bought me.  My chest is achy and where they removed the drains is hurting too.  I tend to walk around a little hunched over and clutch my chest as I'm walking.  I know I need to stop doing this.  It isn't good.  

Specific Prayer
I have a certain side affect from taking antibiotics 3 times a day for about 20 days.  A secondary infection of a particular type (that I won't name here) has developed and is causing me a great deal of discomfort.  Please pray this will go away quickly.  I'm not having such a good day today.  Also, the "glue" from my left biopsy incision has fallen off and looks really red and the incision looks like it is opening a little.  Miss L. seemed concerned so she wants us to watch it.

Conclusion

I am not allowed to do much of ANYTHING the next two days as my body gets used to not having the drains.  They don't want me to produce too much fluid yet.  My house is a wreck and I'm having a REALLY hard time with it, but I'm not allowed to clean it.  This morning, Kevan said, "It looks like a tornado hit our house last night and it only hit a few rooms.  We better call the weather service."  lol! He has to work so he won't be much help.  He said when he got up to go to the bathroom last night he could even see the mess in the dark and had to maze through it.  :o(  My poor house.  My MIL is going to try to come from Nashville tomorrow to help me.  I'm so thankful for her, but sad that she will have to drive so far just to help me clean my house.  She also let me bring her my laundry yesterday (Kevan carried it for me since I can't) and she washed it all for me (even folded and ironed it for me!) before we returned last night.  Thank you Judy.  I love you and am grateful for you.

Okay.  I don't think I can take type any longer.  I hope this helps someone that goes through this in the future and I know many of you just want to know how I'm doing.  I'm thankful for each of you.

In about 90 seconds.....I will be asleep.  I keep almost falling asleep typing this and Kevan keeps laughing at me.  lol!