Is it over?

Friday I had my last drain removed.  It was great.  I hardly felt this one when he pulled it out because it was placed after surgery, in their office.  So, the end that was in my body was not as long as the normal ones.  The doctor said everything was healing great.  He even lifted my restrictions.  I've been able to clean my house and cook again.  It is wonderful.  I had a little helper this weekend (a friend that has been staying with us on the weekends) so she did help me clean some on Saturday.  But, I still over did it and my arms ached all night while I was trying to sleep and my breast muscles were spasm-ing.  Is that a word?  

Sunday morning and evening I even made a fire in the wood stove and carried a few little pieces of wood in the house.  Kevan doesn't want me carrying the normal size yet so he brought in the big ones.  It felt so good to do some normal chores.  I can't wait until I can help him split wood again.  It is a chore we like to do together and as weird as it sounds....its fun.  lol!
Even though my restrictions were lifted I'm only supposed to lift 10 pounds.  Then, next week it will go up to 15 and so on.    The best is that I'm allowed to take bath's now.  I have missed my nightly baths.  :o)  Also, I can sleep on my side now and she said I could try stomach sleeping in a few days.   I am a stomach sleeper and I have not slept on my stomach since April.  You do not realize how happy this makes me.  I thought I might not ever be able to sleep on my stomach again, but he thinks I shouldn't have a problem.  I can't wait to try.  Brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. 

Kevan was talking about me yesterday and I heard him say, "You wouldn't believe what a difference it makes for Jayde to have the drains out.  I can tell she feels better and she even looks better."  lol!  Even Kevan sees a difference.  When I was talking to the nurse I told her how sad I was that so much of the swelling is gone.  I told her I feel like I lost a size since I went home from surgery.  She said that everyone says that.  lol!  I tried on a few of my cute dresses and tank tops.  I think I'll be happy with the size.  Not too big....not too small.  Just perfect.  :o)

Also, I wanted to mention how much faster my incisions are healing.  I'm not sure why this is, but they are way more healed than they were after my last surgery.  I'm putting Aquafor on them twice a day and massaging it in.  The massaging helps the scars to not be so raised and helps them heal faster.  I did this last time too.  

As I sit and think about how there really isn't much left now.  I've been through the double mastectomy, the rounds of chemo and the reconstruction.  It is over.  I'm healed.  Praise God.  He healed me.  He walked with me through it all and I love him so much for it.  I'm so thankful for Him, for my family, my friends, everyone's prayers....and for cancer.  Without the cancer I wouldn't know what it is like to have to depend on God daily.  To cry out to him when I'm scared or when I'm lying in the floor sick.  To talk to him all throughout the day.  Of course, we are supposed to depend on him daily already, but I wasn't consistent.  Cancer showed me how much better it can be if we just lean on Him for everything.

I am also thankful that it is over and I'm on this side of it.  All I have left now are the check-up appointments every 3 months.  It is a weird feeling.  I'm so glad that I am starting the New Year out healed and ready to get back to normal.  This is going to be a great year.  2013!  And.....even though it is over.....I will rely on Him.  Daily.  I hope and pray I do.

Reconstruction - 4 Weeks Post-Op

Special Prayer Request
I wanted to ask for prayer for a friend.  She has been on my mind all week and non-stop this morning.  She may be losing her mom today.  My heart is breaking for her.  She is so young to be losing her mom already and it is their kids only grandmother.  Please pray that God comforts her and her father as they go through this and that He gives them strength.  Also, pray for a miracle.  I know God can heal her mother and amaze the doctors if it is His will.  I am praying for that as well.  They will see her again one day and I am so thankful for that, but it is still hard for us that are left behind.  We still have to go on with our life while feeling such a loss.  I love you Wendy.  I'm sorry you are going through this and wish I could take your pain away.  UPDATE: Wendy's mom is with Jesus now.  Please pray for her and her family.

Normal Post:

I probably shouldn't be writing this post.  I barely slept last night so I'm pretty grumpy.  lol!  But, I need to remember what was going on 4 weeks post-op.  In 2 days it will be 4 weeks since my reconstruction surgery.

Not sure what was wrong with Kevan last night, but he snored louder than he ever has and he stopped breathing numerous times.  He was going to sleep on his cot in the office (we aren't at home) and before I went to bed I said, "I didn't get married so you'd sleep somewhere else!  Sleep with me."  He's so warm too.  I wanted him next to me.  Then, after he came to bed I wished I hadn't said it and I wanted to wake him up and tell him to go sleep on his cot.  lol!  I never did though.  I prayed from midnight to 3am that he would stop snoring.  He finally did.  I fell asleep, but I was worrying and it wasn't a good sleep.  I was worrying about my dumb drain and getting it out today.  I had a feeling things wouldn't work out in my favor.

Drain
I STILL HAVE MY DRAIN!  UGH!!!!!!!!  I was supposed to get it out today, but it went up last night.  We drove into Nashville last night and stayed with my MIL hoping I would be getting it out at my appointment today, but nope.  Grrr!  It has to be UNDER 5cc's for 3 days.  The last 4 days have been 5, 5, 5 and then 6.5!  Really?  It has to go up??  I'm so sad.  I want this thing out of me.  I understand it is doing good and I need it there because I have 3 less lymph nodes on that side and I don't want an infection, but I'm so tired of it.  I'm tired of the pain of having it, trying to hide it in my clothes, having to empty it twice a day and trying to sleep with it attached to me.  I talked to the nurse this morning and she confirmed that it cannot be 5cc's.  It has to be UNDER 5cc's for 3 days.  I have an appointment on Thursday and she didn't think I would make that one either since it went up last night. 

Lypo Pain
Still having the bruising pain from the lyposuction they had to do on my stomach.  It doesn't hurt unless my stomach gets bumped or if I'm taking my clothes on/off.  But, when it does....it HURTS! My stomach doesn't look any smaller and I am under the impression at this point that lypo is not worth it!  lol!  Although, they didn't take much...just enough to help fill in areas in my breast that needed it.  It hurts for weeks and I have to wear a belly band still.  Although, they let me change to a Spanx, but since I'm not allowed to pull with my arms I have to have Kevan help me put it on.  Since he can't come with me into public restrooms this becomes a problem since it is a one piece thing.  Also, for those that don't own a Spanx....you buy your size and when you take it out of the package it looks like it would fit a newborn...and your expected to fit into this TINY thing.  I was able to do it, but can you imagine wearing that all day and all night.  I'm so ready to not be bound anymore.  I'm still having to wear my sports bra and breast band all day/night as well.  I can't wait to be free!!

Encouragement and Unspeakable Joy!

What a difference a week makes!  Or 8 months.  I am a week and 2 days out from my final reconstruction surgery.  The swelling is gone, the pain is getting better, the stitches have been removed and things are looking good.  I wanted to write a post to encourage those women that have to go through the same procedures.  The journey is hard, painful, stressful, discouraging, sad.....but in the end....it is worth it.  I have talked on this blog many times about the pain and internal turmoil I experienced the first time I saw myself after my double mastectomy and how it took weeks...maybe even months for me to look at myself without crying.  Sometimes crying the whole remainder of the day.  It was hard to experience and hard to believe that I would ever look normal again.  God was with me though and I prayed and prayed that the doctors and my husband would be right.  That I would be able to look at myself and be okay with it.  That God would answer my prayer and I would look normal again.  I know a lot of you prayed as well.

I am here as a witness now to say, "I look pretty darn good!".  God answered those prayers!  In some ways, I look better than I did before I had breast cancer.  I am very happy with the results.  The surgeon was able to use new technologies to do so much...it is pretty unbelievable.  I still have a lot of healing left, but things should improve week by week.  My scars will eventually fade and as far as I can tell....no one would ever know I have breast implants under this skin.  The implants we chose look so natural.  I didn't want to look fake and I don't.  Praise God!  The tissue expanders felt like rocks....the implants feel so much better.  They took the sutures/stitches out yesterday so those areas still need healing and I still have dissolving stitches all along the bottom of my breasts, but I have joy today.  I can see now what the doctor and my husband kept telling me in the beginning.  I would look normal again and I would be happy with it.  I am.  I am grateful to God for blessing me so much.  I am so so so grateful that my husband is excited and very happy as well at how things are looking.  lol!  As a married woman, this means more to me than my own acceptance of myself. <tears are falling from my eyes now.  Tears of joy.> But, to have both (mine and my husband's joy in it) and not having to feel like I "look as good as can be expected after breast cancer".....but I "look good" and believe I will look great in weeks to come is huge to me....this is HUGE to me.  God's grace.  God's love for me.  It overwhelms me.

How I look shouldn't matter.  I know this.  Who really sees me anyway besides myself and my husband?  But, it matters.  It matters that I feel beautiful for my husband.  It would matter even if I was a single woman.  It matters that underneath it all I'm not left with the memory of the horror of it every time I see myself without clothes, but instead the beauty of what God has done for me.  He brought me through a very hard time and left me better than I was before.  Not just on the outside, but also on the inside.  Only my Lord can do something this powerful.   Oh, how I love Him.  I know it mattered to my Father because it mattered to me.  He doesn't do things small.....He delivers BIG.  He is the Creator of the world....why couldn't He make me look great again?  Of course He can!  He made man from the dust of the earth....He spoke the world into being.  He healed me from cancer, He walked with me through it all, He gave me strength to endure it and HE gives me this joy today.  I am so thankful and blessed.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

This song....is so fitting for my heart today and for the season - UNSPEAKABLE JOY!

Post-op picture

Here is a picture of Jayde's wraps and drains.  As you can see she is pretty swollen.  She's been complaining about pain in her right heel.  She woke up with a blister and we are not sure how that happened during surgery.

The black near her shoulder is one of the sutures.  She has 3 on each side.  The lanyard around her neck is for her drains.  Pray she is able to do her exercises well.  She is having a hard time since it is so painful.

Final Reconstruction Surgery in One Week

A week from today I will be in surgery.  I've been looking forward to finally having everything over with, but the last few days I've been struggling a little with sadness thinking about it.  So much so that I have been near to crying several times.  I just don't want to go through surgery again.  I am almost 7 months post-op from the mastectomy.  I've gone through so much healing and now I have to go through some of it all over again.  My incisions will be re-opened and it just makes me sad to think about it.  I finally feel so good when I lift things and can do exercises normally again.  I remember the 1st few days/weeks after the mastectomy and how hard it was to do much for myself.  I don't mind having people help me, but it takes so much energy to get back to normal.  I feel tired already. 

I know that I will be very happy a month from now and very glad I went through it, but on this side of surgery I can only see the hard road ahead.  Of course, I will be soooooooo happy to get rid of these tissue expanders, but it is still a little scary not knowing what it will be like having implants.  I still cry sometimes when I take a bath because I miss my old body.  The one God gave me.  It wasn't perfect by any means, but it was natural and felt normal.  Tissue expanders are SO strange and feel so hard.  Implants also seem so unnatural to me, but hopefully it will be better.  I also miss having feeling in my chest.  It is strange to run my fingernail over the skin and not feel it at all.  Kind of freaky.  I don't dwell on these things for long because I am thankful that I live in a time where medical procedures are available to me to look normal again and that doctors can repair what's been lost.  I am thankful.  Very thankful.  But, it still has some sadness to it.

I was talking to Kevan this afternoon about how sad I've been about having to have surgery again.  He turned to me and said, "I'm sorry sweetheart that you have to go through this again.  I really am."  He's so sweet.  He followed it up by knocking on my breast with his hand and saying, "at least you will be rid of these 1/2 baseballs!"  LOL!  I guess he's looking forward to it too.   Even he's tired of the "rocks".  ;o)

Anyway, one more week. I am coveting any prayers regarding my surgery and my anxiety.  I have also developed allergies or a cold and haven't been feeling or sleeping well the last few nights.  I'm hoping it doesn't get worse and I've prayed that God would remove these symptoms.  We have some VERY busy days coming (women's retreat with church and I have to travel to Atlanta for work) before my surgery...so that is adding a bit more stress to my mind. 

I will leave you with a few pics.  The first one is me sitting on my brother's motorcycle.  I've heard rumors that someone said I was riding around Michigan on my new motorcycle...so I thought I better fess up here and say that it isn't mine at all and it was even OFF when I was sitting on it.  lol!  I just thought the motorcycle would go well with my do-rag on my head so I put my older brother's leather jacket on and sat on it.  :o)

Here is a current picture of Kevan and I attending a benefit dinner.  I have my wig on, of course, since we are at dinner and I wanted to look nice for my hubby.  :o)

Lastly, here is a picture of me with my immediate family.  I'm the one in the middle that looks like a boy.  Oh, and someone told me they thought I was my nephew when they first saw the picture.  Thanks Marie.  lol!  This should give you an idea of how long my hair is now.