A Better Day

Today has been a better day than the two previous.  I'm going to bore you for a little bit to tell you my symptoms so I don't forget when I have my next treatment.  This is Day 7.  I'm still having problems eating.  I was sticking to a liquid only diet most of yesterday and today (Medifast shakes, chicken broth, ginger ale, water).  My stomach feels so much better when I do this, but I feel really weak.  Each time I eat solid food I end up with bad stomach cramps within 15 minutes.  Also, dairy seems to do the same thing.  I did finally break down and had a 1/2 of a baked potato this afternoon and ended up regretting it.  I talked with the doctor's office and they want me to eat anyway.  They suggested some over the counter drugs.  I also have to make sure I continue the baking soda/salt/water mouth wash.  My tongue, throat and lips are numb and she said I will most likely end up with the mouth sores if I don't do the mouth wash.  I have to keep lip balm on my lips at all times.  My tongue feels like sandpaper....it is really gross.  I still have a rash in various places and they want me to use benadryl cream on it to see if it improves.  My head is still pretty itchy.  I woke myself up about 20 times last night because I was itching my head.  I didn't even realize it until I woke up.  I guess it is the hair getting ready to fall out.  Lastly, I've also had some really bad back pain.  I was taking Aleve, but the doctor told me that I can't take it anymore and I have to switch to Tylenol. The pain is better today, but it is still there.

I feel like I'm through the worst of it, but I don't know if I will have the same effect each time or not.  I'm dreading the next one.  I hate that I was hardly able to work last week.  Which means I will have to take a week vacation for  each chemo treatment if this happens every time.  I'll have to talk to the doctor about it.  It isn't fair to my team if I'm going to be gone so much.

Thank you all who sent me texts, messages, prayers and verses.  I really appreciate them and really needed them.  My mind has been so out of it I haven't read my bible or devotional in a few days.  Plus, not having coffee in the morning has made this difficult as well.  My nights have been great...which is kind of surprising....but I sleep pretty well without pain between 1am and 7am each night.  I am very thankful for that.  It might be because I eat dinner at 7 or so and by the time it works itself through I'm okay by 1am.  Or it could be because y'all are praying for my nights.  Thank you!

Well...I don't really have any other updates.  Just trying to get through each day right now.  Struggled to work through the pain, with my brain not working right and being so tired today.  I am so slow.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. 

I want to share a funny picture.  On Thursday I sent Kevan to the store to get me some plain saltine crackers.  He's so sweet.  He came back with all of this!  He wanted me to have options.  lol!  I ended up having cream cheese on my saltines.  Thank you Babe.

Day 5 After First Chemo

I started having horrible back pain last night.  I tried to sleep, but I got up twice trying to come up with ideas on how to help it.  I tried taking a hot bath.  It helped while I was in the bath, but I still had the pain when I got out.  I didn't want to take any pain medication because I didn't want a sick stomach, but I finally broke down and took an Aleve last night.  It took the edge off and I slept until 6am this morning.  

When I got up this morning I seemed okay.  I ate a little of a leftover Sonic breakfast burrito that Kevan bought me for dinner on Friday night (I was craving it and a strawberry milkshake last night).  At about 9am I was in horrible pain and I was having to spend a lot of my time in the bathroom with terrible spams.  Let's just say most of my day I have been moaning, crying, laying on the bathroom floor, trying to find relief in a hot bath and just plain laying on the couch praying.  It has been a horrible day.  I am still having bad back pain, but the spasms have gotten better.  Aleve only takes the edge off...the pain is still there.  I can't take Ibuprofen as it hurts my stomach and I don't want to take anything strong because I get dizzy and nauseous.  I don't want to go through this ever again.  I am already dreading the next chemo treatment on 7/17.  

I had some oatmeal for lunch (I didn't finish it) and a few crackers.  Kevan went out and bought rotisserie chicken for dinner and he made me a baked potato.  I was able to eat it.  I ate very little chicken though.  I'm scared to eat.  I can't wait to have relief from this back pain.  It is so bad.  I am thankful that my jaw pain is better today and my tongue is not as swollen/painful.  I still have the rash on my chest and have noticed a few more red dots showing up in other places.  Not sure what that is about.  I'm also very weak.   A few times Kevan has had to help me.  I didn't even want to do this blog post because it takes so much energy to pick up my laptop and to type.  That is how weak I feel.  :o(

My mother-in-law arrived here last night to help me if I needed her.  I sure needed her!  She helped clean up my house for me.  She even cleaned out the fridge and freezer.  When Kevan and I were gone in Nashville for my chemo this week something happened and the freezer door was left open.  So, when we got home late that night everything had defrosted.  We had to throw out all of the meat and anything else that seemed bad.  She was very gracious to clean it for me (including melted ice cream all over the freezer) and take away the mess with her.  She also preserved 10 pounds of snap beans that someone gave us because if we waited too much longer they would've been in bad shape.  Judy...I am so thankful for you.  I know this isn't how you wanted to spend your weekend, but you are so wonderful.  I really needed you.  The house looks great, fridge & freezer look new and I appreciate you so much!  I already miss you.  :o)

So, what else am I thankful for today?  I would have to say, indoor plumbing!  Back in April our toilets broke (actually it happened on my birthday) and a friend from church and my father-in-law came over to help.  They dug out our yard....got very dirty...put new pipes in...and fixed our toilets!  Best birthday present ever!  lol!  I am sooooo thankful for them.  You cannot go through chemo without indoor plumbing....it would be unbearable.   Also, I'm thankful that there is a wall on the side of our toilet.  Funny, I didn't notice it before.  lol!  But, when you are so sick you can hardly sit up it is nice to lean on the wall.  I never needed it before today, but I'm glad it was there for me.  :o) 

Please pray for my back pain and also that my white blood cells do not drop too bad.  They were already low when I started chemo Tuesday (lower than the normal levels) so I am scared I will have to get a shot on Thursday (7/7).  I have heard from a number of people that the shot causes a lot of bone pain.  I don't want bone pain too.  :o( 

First 3 days after chemo...

I'm pretty out of it...so the below is just a bunch of random thoughts...

The last few days have not been great.  In some ways I have done well, but in other ways I think I'm doing worse than I thought.  I did not expect to feel any side effects for 4 to 5 days.  I had chemo on Tuesday and only slept about 3 hours that night.  Probably due to the steroids they gave me in my IV.  Wednesday morning I got up, ate breakfast and went for a 1.5 mile walk per the doctor's orders.  I felt pretty good on Wednesday except that I was exhausted from lack of sleep.  I did take a 2 hour nap and was able to make it to church that night, but as soon as we arrived home from church I went right to bed.

Thanks to everyone's prayers I slept 8 hours on Wednesday night.  I felt much better on Thursday.  I was sort of queasy in the morning so I decided to take one of my anti-nausea pills.  It was a mistake.  It made me too drowsy so I struggled the remainder of the day to get work done since I was so groggy.  I ate crackers for lunch with a little bit of cream cheese on them.  I was scared to eat anything else.  For dinner I just had veggies, no meat.  Kevan made me a smoothie last night and it tasted really good.  

I woke up at 4am last night and thought I was going to be sick.  So, I took a Zofran tablet (a different anti-nausea med they gave me).  I think it was a mistake.  I have been drowsy ALL DAY!  I can barely stay awake and my whole body feels numb.  I guess I'm going to have to live with the nausea because I can't function on the anti-nausea medication.  I need to be able to work!  

I've missed having coffee in the morning.  I've been scared to drink it because I don't want to make my stomach sick.  All I've eaten so far today is a little bit of Cream of Wheat and a few crackers. 

Other side effects I'm having is a rash on my chest, my jaw is very sore and my scalp feels very tender.  Also, Kevan said I was snoring really loud when he came to bed last night.  I don't normally snore, but my mouth and throat are swollen so I'm guessing that is what caused it.  

All I want to do is sleep!

The Countdown Begins...

So....the chemo is in my body.  The countdown to hair loss begins!  No turning back now.  I am conflicted on whether I'm going to use my hair dryer and straightener.  Everything I read says not to because the heat will make it fall out faster, but I hate my curly/wavy hair.  Maybe I'll just do it once a week on Sunday for church.  But, if I'm only going to have hair for 14 days...does it really matter if it is only for 7?  What do y'all think?

If some of the below is "wordy" it is because I want to remember it for later in case I need to refer back to it.

I arrived at the oncologist at 9:15am yesterday.  They took my blood work around 9:30am and she took it out of my left arm even though it ups the risk of lymphedema.  My surgeon and oncologist both think that since I only had a sentinel node biopsy and not an excision that it should be okay.  I'm praying it will be.  We waited about another hour just to see the oncologist.  While we were waiting in the patient room Kevan's cousin came by to see us and offer support.  It was very sweet.  The oncologist finally arrived.  We discussed getting a port and he doesn't think it is necessary.  He wanted me to try it without a port yesterday to see how bad I thought it was.  It wasn't bad at all.  I've met 2 people that told me their port was worse than their surgery and it was painful when they used it.  So, I'm leaning towards not getting one.  Also, the doctor had some good news.  He said, for now, I will only do 4 chemo treatments instead of 6!  Although, if it is going well with minimal side effects he wants me to continue to 6.  If I'm having a hard time then I can stop at 4.  Truthfully, I just like the idea of my hair growing back a little faster.  :o)

I brought up my oncotype score of 70 and I was so glad I did.  The oncologist explained that pre-menopausal women always have a higher score.  That is why so many of the numbers I was seeing online were so low because most women that have breast cancer are post-menopausal.   He said due to my age, menopause and the aggressiveness of the cancer that is why my score is so high.  He said it is actually a good thing because it means the chemo should work and get rid of any other cancer cells lingering in my body.  Praise God!

We waited around ANOTHER 30 minutes before a woman arrived to give us a little course in Chemo 101.  I was given a big binder to read, additional documentation and she was very helpful in circling the most critical items.  She answered any questions we had and was very sweet.  She's instructed me to rinse/gargle/spit a salt/baking soda/water mixture 4-5 times a day to prevent mouth sores.  Mouth sores is a side effect of one of the chemo drugs.  She discussed how I will probably GAIN WEIGHT  (UGH!!) because I am pre-menopausal and this will put me into menopause during treatment. So, I guess I will have to go clothes shopping.  :o(  The doctor and her both mentioned things that can help me from gaining weight.  I need to make sure I eat breakfast and exercise in the morning to rev up my metabolism early in the day, eat good throughout the day (whole foods, not sugary/fatty foods)  and not eat after 7 or 8 at night.  Since we live in Central time, but "live" on Eastern time (for work purposes) I am not sure which time zone to choose.  I guess Eastern.  She also discussed "chemo brain" with me and how I will start forgetting things and how to prevent it.  One of the items was to "work on one thing at a time".  That is going to be hard for me.  I'll have to take lots of notes.  Also, she said I can go to church even though I will be around so many, but I shouldn't hug or be around others that are sick.  If I see someone coughing or sick next to me I need to move, I need to use hand sanitizer all day long and I cannot be around kids if they appear sick.  Also, if anyone comes to visit me they will need to wash their hands as soon as they enter the house.

I didn't move to the chemo room until about 2pm EST.  I started to pray for strength.  The Lord was with me.  I was flooded with calmness the rest of the time.  I know there were many others praying for me too and I am so thankful.  I was very nervous in the morning, but throughout the day I was just relying on God and giving him my burden.  Here is a picture of me in the chemo room.  Kevan snuck and took the picture as it was against the rules.  So, shhhhhh!  Awful picture...I had just shoved a peanut butter cracker into my mouth.  lol!  Oh, did I mention free snacks and drinks.  :o)

They hooked up my IV into my right arm.  [Later my PT said this was a bad idea and that I need to use my left arm from now on since my right arm is my dominate arm.  So, if I'm going to develop lymphedema I want it in my left arm, not my right.]  First off, she pushed saline through my IV.  I'm one of the lucky ones that can taste it.  She said that was a good thing because it tells her she has a good vein.  Then, they gave me a steroid drug through the IV, followed by 2 anti-nausea drugs.  Then, they gave me Taxotere.  Some people have allergic reactions to it within the first 5 minutes.  I had no reactions (Praise God!).  It took about 45 minutes for that one to finish.  Then, they added the Cytoxan.  Almost toward the end of this one I started to develop a weird sensation in my nose, like I had went swimming and got water up my nose.  It was awful.  I had to keep laying my head back and holding my nose.  It remained the rest of the time.  The nurse said I was one of the lucky 1 in 10 to develop this and it will happen each time.  They don't know what causes it or why I am so special.  Oh yay!  Once chemo was done it last about another 20 minutes.  It wasn't a pretty bad side effect, just annoying.  So, the chemo is in my body, I'm drinking my water and trying to go to the "little girl's room" every 2 hours as directed.  Which, I don't have to set an alarm for.....I HAVE to go.  lol!  They sent me home with 2 anti-nausea drugs and a list of side effects that would be urgent if I experienced them and would need to call their office immediately (even at night or on the weekend).  They were like, fever over 100.5 F, vomiting/diarrhea over 24 hours, etc. 

After we left I had to stop by to see the Physical Therapist just to show her my scar banding so she could refer me to a PT closer to my house.  She found one, but she is on vacation so I won't start PT until 7/9.  :o(  They are going to do massaging and stretching to relieve the scar bands.  I am praying it works because it is pretty painful.

I didn't want yesterday to be a depressing day so we decided to go out to dinner before my nausea kicks in a few days from now and to see a movie if I was up to it.  My MIL was with us all day providing support and encouragement (wasting her whole day) so we took her out to PF Changs, one of her favorite places.  I didn't eat too much because I was scared to get sick, but it was all really good.  Afterwards, my MIL's cousin met us somewhere to take her home and we left to head home.  Then, we had to stop at a McDonald's and use their restroom.  I decided I wanted to go to the movie so we stopped on the way home to see "Brave".  We had 2 free movie tickets (and popcorn) from my oncological surgeon because we had to wait so long that day he wanted to do something nice for us. So, our movie trip was on him.  :o)  I did eat popcorn and it tasted pretty good!  I had to get up to go to the bathroom and as I started down the steps to the bathroom my legs were VERY weak.  I had to hold the handle.  I wasn't sure if I got up too fast or if things are starting to happen already.  I was pretty sad because everyone keeps telling me that the side effects won't appear for a few more days.  I need to work this week.  So, I'm praying they hold off until Friday night or altogether!  I had to use the restroom twice while we were at the theater.  lol!  I'd say I'm pretty hydrated.

On the way home Kevan stopped to get me my favorite smoothie from Panera (Mango Smoothie).  It didn't taste right.  Tasted like orange not mango.  He tasted it twice and said he tasted mango.  Weird!  It wasn't as good to me as they normally are, but I drank it all.  LOL!  We arrived home at 11:30 EST, I fell asleep around 12:30, slept until 2:30 (used the restroom and drank my water), didn't fall back to sleep.  Got back up at 4:30 to use the restroom/drink water.  Then, fell asleep about 5am and woke back up at 5:45 chilled.  When 6am rolled around I just got up.  So, I only slept about 3 hours last night.  I'm exhausted.  I'll have to take a nap today.

One of the best things that happened yesterday was that I made a Chemo Friend!!  She is 3 years younger than me, had pretty much the same surgery as me and same chemo regimen.  The only sad thing for me is...her last chemo was yesterday...but that is great for her!  I'm so happy she made it through.  She had a tough time and had to take off work.  I loved talking with her.  We exchanged information and I really hope we keep in touch.  :o)

Also, speaking of great things....I am so blessed to have medical insurance.  This is not a burden for us and I know it is for so many going through this.  We have had to pay out of pocket (about $4,000) so far, but God has provided what we have needed so far.  I am truly blessed to not have to worry about how we will pay for these bills.  Thank you Lord.  I love you and I know you are blessing me so much throughout this journey.

Other than the not sleeping well (probably from the steroid) I've only felt a little strange (off-balance/clumsy) a little.  If I sit up too fast I get very dizzy so I'm trying to train myself to move slower.  Also, my arms and legs are a little weak.  I think I'm going to visit the bathroom and then try to take a nap now before I start work for the day.

Thank you all for your prayers.  I surely felt them yesterday.

Preparing for chemo...

I start chemo tomorrow.  Ugh!  Not looking forward to it, but at the same time I just want to start so I can get it over with.  I've been trying to prepare for the unknown.  I cut my fingernails down and will be putting nail strengthener on them to try to save my nails.  I've read that the chemo I'm doing (cytoxan and taxotere) can sometimes cause your nails to fall off if they get bruised or brittle.  So, I'm trying to prevent that from happening.  I'll let you know if it helps.

Also, I readied my water bottle with the hours in each day so I can make sure I'm drinking enough water each day.  I saw this idea on Pinterest and thought it was a great idea.  I have to refill it 4 times, but each time I just turn it and can see if I'm where I should be for the day.  I don't like to drink water, but I love a good game or goal...so hopefully, my overachieving self will be pushed to compete against the big pink water bottle.  lol!  Kevan and I own a Berkey water filtering system so we have good tasting and clean water.  See pic of my hourly water bottle below.  It isn't a great picture, but it was the best one.  I just used a sharpie to write the hours.  If I drink as scheduled I will have consumed one gallon of water in a day.  :o)  I will be making many trips to the "little girl's room".  Also, a friend gave me some great advice.  She advised me to set an alarm to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom as well so I don't let the chemo sit too long in my bladder.  This can cause other issues down the road.  So, I will be doing that as well.  Although, if I'm drinking a gallon of water during the day...I may not need to set an alarm.  ;o)

After my mastectomy/reconstruction surgery one of Kevan's family members made us several lasagna in different sizes that we could freeze and use as needed.  It was wonderful.  It was such a great idea I asked her for the recipe so I could make more and she was so gracious to give it to me!  I also decided to make a bunch of my favorite chicken and broccoli casseroles to freeze as well.  I want to make sure that Kevan has dinner on the nights that I don't want to eat or when I'm too sick to cook for him.  Also, if I'm up to it I can eat too.  On Saturday I spent a few hours making homemade sauce, cooking meat, etc to make up several casseroles.  I started at about 11am and was finished by 5pm.  In total I made 10 casseroles.  While the sauce was cooking I was able to clean the house a little so even though I had started the cooking I still had the opportunity to do other chores.  This is a good idea for working moms and new mommies too.  Here is a picture of the sauce.  Yum!

I cooked 6 chicken breasts in my crockpot while I waited for the sauce to be ready.  Then, shredded the chicken, seasoned it and then put together 4 chicken/broccoli casseroles for Kevan and I.  Since we do not need a 9x13 for just the two of us I split them in 1/2 so we would have 4 dinners instead of 2.  I was going to make 6, but I did not end up with enough chicken to make 6.

Then, once the sauce was finished and cooled....I put 6 lasagna(s) together (only 4 are pictured here).

I wrapped each one with plastic wrap, then foil and labeled them.  To use later I just thaw them throughout the day (or overnight in the fridge) and then cook them as normal.  Here is what they looked like before I put them in the freezer.

This should get us through at least 5 weeks of dinners twice a week.  One day a week is usually taken up with doctor's appointments in the "city", we usually eat out once or twice...and hopefully I will be up to cooking the remaining days.  We live way too far from town for pizza delivery, but maybe Kevan can drive to town and pick up a pizza sometimes.  Unfortunately, I love Pizza Hut way too much...my thighs don't love it, but my taste buds sure do.  

I also froze some vanilla yogurt in 1/2 cup measurements, added them to bags of various frozen fruit to use for smoothies.  I may not be up to eating, but Kevan can easily make me a smoothie and it will at least provide me with some good nutrients.  BTW...I love Stonyfield's French Vanilla yogurt and I searched all over online for a good homemade recipe.  I never found one so I came up with one myself.  I believe my homemade vanilla yogurt recipe is as good as theirs.  Mine has honey instead of sugar too so it is better for us.  I'm very excited that mine turned out so good.

I even had time to make some good 'ol potato salad for a church get together while I was waiting on the chicken and sauce to finish.  I cooked the potatoes and eggs (separately) in my pressure cooker.  It took about 20 minutes total.  Then, assembled it and had it in the fridge in no time.  I love my handy dandy electric pressure cooker!  The shell falls right off of the hard boiled eggs.  

I think I had a very successful Saturday.

If you have time please say a prayer for me.  Pray that my chemo side effects are limited to just hair loss (or weight loss).  That I won't experience bad nausea or low blood counts.  I'm pretty worried about the emotional and hormone aspect of the treatments so please pray for our marriage during this time.  Lastly, pray that I will continue to rely on the Lord for my strength and healing.  

"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

60cc's Baby!

I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon's office today.  I had my 3rd fill (60cc's baby!) and now I am the size I was before my surgery.  I look so much more normal now!  It is amazing.  I am praising God because I was really worried there for a few weeks.  I remember the hours of crying after I would look in the mirror and now....I look pretty good.  I still have my scars, but I can live with them!  They will eventually turn white and won't be as noticeable.  The expander is no longer "lumpy" and is much fuller so the skin on the outside looks normal now.  Yay!  If you are going through this and you are discouraged....just know that it only took me 6 weeks to get back to my pre-Op size.  That isn't very long at all.  My chest is very hard again, but it will soften as the days go by between fills and the skin stretches.  She also said when I have my final surgery they should feel normal again (big relief!).  It had been 20 days since my last fill so I had time to soften a little bit and the skin had more time to stretch. It was way more comfortable getting the fill this time.  I think the extra week between fills really helped.  I took 2 Advil before I arrived and I have a little bit of pain, but not too bad.  Just feels like a sore muscle across my chest.  I have no nerves left so I can't feel a thing while she's doing the fill, just pressure, it is weird.  lol!  She said I will probably only need 1 or 2 more fills.  During my next office visit she is going to scan in my picture and use software to show me what I will look like post final surgery.  My oncological surgeon told me about their software and he said it is pretty accurate to what I will look like in the end.  This will be the appointment where we finally discuss "size".  I think Kevan is really looking forward to this appointment.  lol! 

Also, I showed her where my skin is pulling on the outside of both breasts when I extend my arms.  It is causing me pain/discomfort when I'm reaching or putting my arms over my head.  She believes it is scar banding so she's referred me to the physical therapist.  She thinks the PT will be able to massage it and do some exercises with me to help it and maybe fix it altogether.  Great news to me!  She said it happens to a lot of thin, tall women.  I guess we are the wimps that don't do our exercises soon enough because we are in pain.  :o)  That is what caused it....not doing my exercises that first week I arrived home.  I tried, of course, but would give up because it hurt so bad.  Remember, don't be Jayde!  Do your exercises!

She also lifted all restrictions this week!  I can go to the gym, take baths again, wear a normal bra, go in a hot tub or pool.  Yay!!  The only thing I cannot do is lift over 30 pounds.  Also, she noticed that my N's are looking good and the pigment is looking good too.  Praising God again for that!  We went from almost black N's (eww!) that had blood flow problems during Post-Op Week 1 to having N's that look like they did before surgery.  Another big praise!  Thank you all for your prayers.

It is so strange talking about my breasts and my N's, but this is an important part of being a woman.  Especially a married woman who wants to look nice for her husband.  If I had my arm or leg cut off, wouldn't I look into getting a prosthetic?  There are so many women out there going through this and I just want them to know that even through the struggle God is there, helping us, comforting us and giving us hope.  He even cares about our N's.  I know some women don't get to keep their N's, but He is still there with you and if you don't get to keep them He has given doctor's wonderful N making skills.  It is pretty crazy how real they look. 

I just have to keep telling myself that I am blessed.  50 years ago they didn't have the new methods they do today.  I would not have looked this good.  I have breast cancer and could've (or could still) die.  Getting rid of the cancer is more important than how I look, but how I look to my husband is runner up for me.  It is a blessing that during this struggle I have good doctor's to help me with both.  Thank you Lord.  You are amazing.

 
"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." - Colossians 3:17

Also, my favorite thing about going to Nashville for my doctor's appointments is that I get to go to Qdoba for lunch afterwards!  I love Qdoba!  Be happy with the little things....life is so much more joyful (or joy-filled).  :o)

6 Weeks Post-Op

As of yesterday, I am 6 week's post-op.  I am doing so much better physically.  I was able to fully clean my house last Saturday (mopping, vacuuming, etc) without much pain and it was wonderful to be able to do it on my own.  I really don't have pain unless I'm reaching...like when I clean our jacuzzi tub or help Kevan hold 2x4's above my head while he's putting up our deck roof.  Or if I'm bouncing...like when Kevan asked me to tow the tractor through the pasture using the 4-wheeler.  It was pretty bouncy and I didn't realize the pain I would be in until afterwards.  I am sleeping a lot better and have only been waking up once or twice a night.  I have gotten to the point now where I forget that I had surgery (if I don't look or feel) and the very painful first few weeks are almost a blur.  It is amazing how we can forget the pain.  I guess that is why women go on to have multiple babies even after a painful birth.  Thankfully, each day gets easier and the bad times are forgotten.

I will be starting chemo in 6 days!  I'm sort of freaking out.  Every day I try to cherish the hair I have because I know in a few VERY short weeks I won't have any.  This means head hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, nose hair, arm hair....you get the point.  :o)  Right now, my bad hair days are great days!  Also, I'm trying to think of everything I want to do before next Tuesday.  Just in case I have side effects I want to have the house clean, laundry done, work caught up and food ready.  I'm also hoping to make a bunch of frozen meals this weekend.  This worked out so well when I had surgery that I want to make sure we have things like this available again.  It is so easy for Kevan or I to grab a casserole out of the freezer, let it thaw during the day and then stick it in the oven.  Also, I like to throw all of our smoothie ingredients (homemade yogurt cubes, fruit, etc) into individual baggies so we just have to dump it in the blender for a quick breakfast or snack.  Kevan has reminded me how important antioxidants are right now and blueberries will definitely be in the baggies.  Also, while reading one of my breast cancer books I learned that yogurt is one of the top 5 best foods for hydration.  So, any help I can get there is great since I will already be pushing myself to drink more water.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon for another "fill".  Strange to type the words.  I have a "plastic surgeon".  I never thought I would write that.  I am so glad that God has gifted some doctors with the gift of plastic surgery.  I would be left with a very unflattering body if I had just had a mastectomy with no reconstruction.  I am blessed.  I know that a lot of surgeries are for cosmetic reasons, but I know they do huge miracles for some who were involved in accidents, have cancer, etc.  I've seen it first-hand with my brother.  He was in a car accident when we were in high school.  I made it to the hospital before they took him into surgery.  He went through the windshield and back out again (he wasn't wearing his seat belt).  You can imagine what that could do to someone's face.  It was awful to see him like that and I know it was even harder for him.  Today, he is just as handsome as he always was.  No one would even know that he was ever in an accident.  So, I am praying and holding onto miracles that I will look as good as I did before.  I wasn't perfect before so I am not looking for perfection.  I will even be okay with the scars if it means I will feel normal and look somewhat normal again.  Please God!  

Something I have not mentioned on my blog (I don't think) is that I have gained 10 pounds since my surgery.  I have no idea why.  Saline cannot weigh more than my old breast tissue, can it?  Maybe it's because I have not been doing much physical exercise, but I would've never imagined I would gain 10 pounds in 6 weeks!   So, not only am I unhappy with how I look due to surgery....now I am REALLY unhappy with how I look because I have gained weight.  Some have said I will lose it during chemo, but I have not been able to find evidence of that.  If I do....it will be one of the blessings of chemo.  I would love to lose about 20 pounds....and please no comments about how I don't need to lose weight.  I REALLY want to fit into my clothes and lately my clothes options are diminishing greatly.  I hate shopping...so I don't think clothing options will improve much unless I lose some weight. 

Tonight I will be teaching my very first adult bible study.  I'm pretty nervous.  I do NOT like to be in front of others so this is a huge step for me.  I already feel like I'm going to throw up.  lol!  Also, Kevan will be teaching a 5th/6th grade boys class for the first time.  We both need lots of prayer.  :o)

I don't really have much else going on.  For those who aren't on my Facebook the only other news this week is that the "wild" horse, that lives on our property sometimes, had her baby.  I've been praying for weeks that she would have her baby on our property so I could see it!  The baby is adorable, but this was the best picture I could get since they run when we approach them.  We bought some sweet feed and we are trying to lure her into being friends with us.

And the kitty that lives in our barn had kittens.  They have to be at least 4-6 weeks old since they are coming to the porch for dry food.  They run from us, but I'm hoping at some point they will let us pet them.  It isn't a great picture since I had to take it through the window, but you can still see their cuteness!  Also, we think Bob is the father and I am soooooo happy they all have tails....unlike Bob...who has a stub.  lol!

So, even through this difficult time...God is giving me little blessings.