Happy Birthday to me! What a blessing!

Normally, birthdays are not so happy days because I'm another year older and I always feel like I'm not where I want to be each year.  BUT, this year is different.  I do feel old and I'm at least 20 pounds heavier than last year at this time, but I am sooooo blessed that God gave me another year.  I have so much joy inside today!  He has blessed me so much and allowed me to spend another year with my best friend and hubby.  He has given me more time to tell the Good News and to proclaim His Name.  I'm so thankful to my Father who loves me.


I got up at 5:30am today...took a bath to relax a little and already walked 20 minutes on the treadmill while doing arm weight exercises too!  It is 7am as I type this.  "I will lose this weight!" I keep telling myself.  :o)  I know....who exercises on their birthday?  lol!

I'm looking forward to this year.  Kevan and I are praying about a lot of things (building a new house, kids [maybe adoption], mission trip and a few other things) and I feel like I have a future this year.  Last year I was in a totally different place.  I appreciate so many more things now.  Yesterday, in the car, Kevan told me that I'm a different person than I was last year.  He meant it as a good thing.  I'm thankful that my cancer changed me me for the better.  It could've been so different.  But, cancer was my blessing.  I learned so much, spent so much extra time with my Lord while I was recuperating and it was such a special time.  I found out I had so many more friends that loved me than I ever knew I had.  I learned how to truly lean on God for comfort and my daily needs.  What an awesome year it was.

So many years ago my mom went into labor VERY early (I think it was 2 months early).  Her little girl was born and her little lungs weren't ready.  The doctors told my parents that I was not going to make it.  They transferred me to a different hospital and my undeveloped lungs collapsed on the way to the hospital.  They told my parents to start to prepare for a funeral, but just like this last year SO MANY prayed for that little baby and God saved her.  God healed my lungs and my little body and I'm so thankful for those that prayed then too.  God has been with me all along the way.

The above pictures are of me at my own baby shower.  I believe I was in the hospital for 2 months before I was released to go home.  So, I'm unsure how old I was in the pictures.

Happy Birthday to me!  :o)  Thank you Lord for another birthday!

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday.  On Good Friday last year I found out that I had breast cancer.  Today, on Facebook, I posted:

"What a year it has been! So thankful that God brought me through it and I am cancer free. This is what I said on my first blog post after finding out I had breast cancer, "I am so thankful that God chose Good Friday to reveal this to me. It is a reminder of how much He loves me! He died for me and suffered for me so that I may have eternal life with Him. He has forgiven me for my sins and through his blood I am restored. Praise God!" If I had died from the cancer, I knew in my heart that everything would be just fine. I would wake up in the best place! It was a blessed year."  

I really meant what I said then and I really mean it now.  It really has been a year of blessings.  It has been hard, very hard...don't get me wrong, but I have seen God work so much in my life and those around me as well.  In a week or so I will post the "official one year post" since the one year anniversary is actually 4/6, but I wanted to say how wonderful my God is on Good Friday.

This is the day that my Lord was crucified.  The day He died.  Why is it good?  Because it is the day He died for me.  For my sins.  It is the day He wiped my slate clean and made me white as snow.  He saved me from God's wrath.  I am restored to stand before God one day as his daughter.  On Sunday, we will celebrate the day He rose again.  Amazing.  My God is a living God.  He is a God that allows me to have a relationship with Him.  To pray to Him, to ask for healing, to ask for help, to ask for mercy....He loves me. 

6 Month's Post Chemo

I finally found a little time to sit down and type up a post.  It has been quite awhile since I've posted.  I am a little over 6 months post-chemo.  Can you believe it has already been over 6 months??  Wow.  August 28th was my last day of chemo and time has flown by!  I am 3 months post-reconstruction and I'm less than a month away from my 1-year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  God willing I will be writing about my 1-year anniversary in a few weeks.  :)  I am so thankful that my Lord healed me and that I am doing so well.  God is good!

I'm so happy to be this far out from chemo.  At night, when I flip over to my stomach to go to sleep I still get teary-eyed thinking back to all of those MONTHS where I couldn't sleep on my stomach and how much I struggled with being comfortable.  I tear up because I'm so thankful that I can do it now.  Such a small thing...but it is a huge blessing.  I love that I'm feeling so much better (although I did have a cold all week).  I even met a woman today that had breast cancer last year too and finished chemo around the same time I did.  She had Stage 4, but she is doing really well now and I thought she looked great.  She is about 20 years older than I am.  Her hair is actually a little shorter than mine even though she finished chemo a month before me.  But, hers was STRAIGHT......mine isn't.  I won't go into the hair thing again.....that is why I've tried to stay off my blog lately.  lol!  I have been doing a lot of praying about it.  Anyway.....I need to change the subject.

Today was a beautiful day here in Tennessee.  Kevan and I went for a long walk.  We saw a few Guineas on our walk, followed by a bunch of wild turkeys and then watched a few baby calves playing in a field.  We've never seen wild turkeys run like we did today.  It was so funny.  Normally, we just see them rutting around or looking for food, but they crossed a field so fast it was like they were in a race.   I love our walks.  It doesn't get much better than this.  I love living in the country. 

Here is a picture of the guineas and one of the neighbors kittens.  Aren't guineas so funny looking?  They always make me laugh.  Sorry it is a blurry picture, but they were moving out of our way pretty fast.

I received my first $100 check for being a part of the 410 (Gummy Bear) Breast Implant clinical study.  I wasn't sure how it was going to work.  I thought maybe I had to come into the office, but I didn't.  I just got the check in the mail a few days ago.  :)  Yay me!  I asked Kevan if I could spend on something fun or if I had to save it.  We agreed that I can use the money for something fun.  So, I'm excited.

I wanted to post a hair picture so I can remember what my hair looked like 6 months post chemo.  Here is a picture of Kevan and I from last night.  My hair is finally longer than my husband's hair! 

Here is the back of my head.  Haha!!  Can you believe how curly my hair is?  I don't know who this woman is that I see in the mirror!

I was looking through my March pictures and this one came up.  It is from March 2012.  It is my father-in-laws horse.  It was so cute I had to post it.  It doesn't have anything to do with my day....or breast cancer......it was just cute.  I love animals.  Thank you Lord for your creation.

Night all! 

Get Over It!

I had my 2 month check-up at the plastic surgeon on Friday.  Seems like it has been longer than 2 months since I had my reconstruction surgery on 12/5.  I'm doing so well!  My absolute favorite result (well, other than the obvious.  HaHa!) is that I CAN SLEEP ON MY STOMACH!  Every night when I flip over to go to sleep I get little tears in my eyes because it is such a wonderful blessing and it makes me emotional still to think about how much God has blessed me in my recovery.  I have missed sleeping comfortably.  It feels so good.  Also, I'm able to cuddle with my hubby again (I know, TMI!).  Anyway, back to the doctor.  lol!  He looked at everything and felt around (yes, this makes Kevan very uncomfortable to see another man touching his wife)...then he said, "looks great, my best work ever!  I'll see you in 4 months."  That's it.  I'm so thankful that it has gone so well.

While I was there I met a woman that also went through chemo/cancer.  We talked a little while in the waiting room about our hair troubles.  It was a blessing to talk to her and to know that she is feeling the same way I am.  She also had blonde hair before and now hers is coming back brown (and gray) as well.

As most of you know that are close to me, I am still having some sadness getting used to my hair.  I know.  I know....I should be happy it is growing back.  I actually do get compliments on it regularly...which I didn't even get when I had my normal hair.  I do think it looks okay.  I just don't feel like me.  I don't feel like Kev's cute wife anymore.  I feel a little stuck in the 80's.  After MANY MANY years of looking in the mirror at a woman who has long blonde hair....I still picture that in my head.  So, when I look in the mirror I am still shocked when I see a woman with short brown CURLY hair.  Kevan and I met my mother-in-law at the store today in Nashville.  Well, I told her I would meet her at the entrance.  She walked in and kept looking right past me.  I think she did it 3 times.  Then, she realized the tall brown haired girl was me.  I said, "Were you looking for a long haired blonde Jayde?" and she said "Yes."  lol!  So, I'm not the only one that still forgets.

Anyway, while at that same store I saw a very pretty woman walk by me that was bald.  She was with her husband.  I went up to her and asked her if she was on chemo.  Again, I love talking to other women that have been through what I have so I wanted to chat with her.  Except that, the next thing she said was, "No, I have not gone through chemo.  I get approached by people like you all the time.  I was born this way and I cannot grow hair."  She had no hair on her head, no eyebrows and no eyelashes.  She was so abrupt that I stepped back a little.  Then, instantly felt awful for her.  I told her I was sorry and that I totally understood why she went around without a wig, because they are so uncomfortable.  She didn't say anything.  I wish I would've told her my first impression, but I am not a fast thinker.  I first thought how beautiful she was and how I couldn't believe someone on chemo would look so good.  Because, while I was going through it I certainly didn't want to go out shopping or put makeup on.  But, she looked great.  I guess that should've been my first inclination that she wasn't going through chemo.  :o(  Oh well...I put my foot in my mouth.  I just said, "God bless you" and walked away.  I did pray for her on the way home tonight.  Here I am worried because my hair is growing back "different' and she has NEVER had hair.  I think God was showing me that I should be thankful and happy....instead of sad about it....because there are woman out there that don't have any.  Mine is just a phase....hers is a lifetime.  I am very sorry.  I need to GET OVER IT.  I need to continue to pray about it.  I am very thankful for the hair I have...I'm just being impatient...and I need to pray for contentment.  Here is a picture of us this past weekend while attending our church's valentine's banquet.  We had a blast.  We laughed so much our faces were hurting from smiling so much.

It has been a few weeks since I've updated my blog. I haven't had time.  I am tired.  Very tired.  I wish I could sleep for a whole day.  Kevan and I have been really busy.  I've been teaching on Wednesday nights and it requires me to study about an hour each day to get ready for my lesson.  Also, work has been REALLY busy.  I love my job though...so its okay.  I just wish I had a few more work hours in a day so I could get more done.  Yesterday, I spent the day with a very sweet almost-6-year-old.  I had a lot of fun making cupcakes, doing a few crafts, going to see some farm animals, eating Mexican (her favorite) and watching a movie.  She wore me out.  lol!  I don't know how parents do it.  I was exhausted by 6pm. 

Well....speaking of exhaustion....I'm going to go to bed.  Night! Night!

Oncologist: First 3-Month Check-up

Yesterday I had my first 3-month checkup with the oncologist.  In the past few months they have redesigned the whole office so it looked very different while we were there.  It felt like we were somewhere else.  Anyway, they took blood, weighed me and then led us to an exam room.  I only waited about 4 minutes before my doctor walked in.  He commented on my hair growth and I commented on how it isn't growing fast enough.  lol!  Then, we brought up some issues.  First, I mentioned that I still have no period and how I am still having hot flashes, which still wake me up throughout the night.  Then, I asked him about some pain I've been having in my tailbone since my last chemo.  It hurts worse when I have to sit a lot (in the car, church, etc).  He seemed a little concerned about the tailbone pain so he ordered an x-ray.

Kevan and I went over to the imaging center right away and had the x-ray done.  I had to change into some hospital pants and then they led me to the x-ray room.  She took 2 pictures of me laying on my back and then 2 while I was on my side.  She said the doctor would have the results later that day.

The doctor's assistant called me today to let me know that all of my blood tests came back okay except for my hormone tests.  My tumor markers looked good too.  :-)  As for the hormone tests they just revealed that I was at "menopause levels".  Duh!  Or as my doctor said to me yesterday...they proved I'm an "old lady".  He was joking that I was really "Kevan's old lady"...and it is true since I'm still in menopause.  The doctor said there isn't anything we can do since I can't take hormones.  So, I will just have to wait.  She said they will do the hormone testing again at the year mark (a year from my last chemo).

The x-ray came back that I have a deformity of my tailbone (coccyx bone).  They were not sure if I was born this way or if it was a result of an injury.  Since they didn't have a prior x-ray they couldn't compare to see if it has gotten worse, but they checked for inflammation/swelling and didn't notice anything that was worrisome.  The assistant said I should just wait and see if it goes away.  It has already been 5 months so I'm not really sure how long they want me to wait.  Oh well.  I guess I will start sitting on one of these:

 

No making fun of me when I show up for church with my "cushion".  lol!  At least it isn't for hemorrhoids.  lol!  Sorry, I had to say it. That is one positive thing!  None of those!

So, I praise God that everything was good cancer-wise.  I'm thankful that I can continue to look forward to the future and I pray that I will be cancer free the rest of my life.  Please Lord.

Now, I'm off to teach a Ladies Bible Study class.....so pray for me if you think about it.  It scares me to death every week.  I'm praying God gives me strength and wisdom.

6-Weeks Post Reconstruction and a BIG Praise

I haven't had much time to post lately.  I have a lot going on.  I'm back at work and takes up most of my time.  I was scared that it would be hard to get back in the "groove", but it wasn't hard at all.  Actually, I love my job so much (programming and designing reports) that sometimes I want to work into the night.  lol!  Kevan has to remind me to stop.  Also, I'm teaching a Wednesday night women's bible study now on the book of Luke (the ministry of Christ) so I am doing quite a bit of preparation each day for that study.  I love researching and preparing for the study, but I still have a hard time with the actual leading of the study since I am an introvert and all eyes are on me.  I'm hoping that it will get better as time goes on.  It still scares me to death each week. 

Arms/Chest Muscles
My body has healed very well since my surgery.  I am feeling great.  The only thing that has been bothering me are my arms and chest muscles.  For example, I cannot stir like I used to.  I used to make up batter (cookies, cakes, etc) and stir them...but now....those chest muscles hurt A LOT when I do that so now I have to lug out the stand mixer.  If I end up stirring manually I have muscles spasms the next day.  Also, the other day Kevan opened the kitchen window and when I went to shut it the muscle pain in my chest was awful.  It feels like something is tearing.  So, I'm going to talk to the doctor about exercises I need to be doing.  I also reached out to the personal trainer I used to go to in Orlando (Hi Rena!) and we might have some FaceTime sessions so I can learn some arm/chest/back exercises to help me.  I will let you know how that goes and if this pain gets better.  I pray it does!  Farm chores will be really hard in the spring/summer if I can't get these muscles back to where they used to be.

The other thing that has been happening the last few days is nerve pain in my underarm/breast area.  Kevan thinks this is my nerves growing back....which would be a HUGE blessing.  I had a similar pain in my arm when I had the mastectomy and the doctor said it was the nerves growing back.  It makes me sad that I have no feeling in my chest.  Really sad actually.  I have prayed a lot about it and asked God to give me back the feeling back.  So, even though the nerve pain is pretty painful I'm thinking it is a blessing.  I'll talk to the doctor about it when I see him in 2 weeks.  Hoping/praying some feeling is coming back.  :o)  Since it is happening on both sides I don't think it is anything serious going on.

Other Updates
 I finished chemo on 8/28/2012....almost 5 months ago.  I still have no period.  :o(  The doctor said if it doesn't return within a year that it, most likely, won't ever return.  I have been praying a lot about it and hoping it will return.  Before I had cancer I prayed daily about having a child and hoped that God would give us one, but each month my period would be a reminder that God still had not answered that prayer.  Then, I finally asked God that if He wasn't going to give us a child through me (maybe we will adopt) that He would take away my ability to have children so I wouldn't have a constant reminder of it.  Maybe this is Him removing that reminder.  Funny how I thought it would be better, but now I am still reminded because I don't have my period.  Go figure.  :o( 

BIG Praise
Kevan interviewed with a company in Los Angeles, CA a couple times.  The interviews went well and they called his references.  We continued to pray that he would get this job because it was 90% work from home and only 10% travel to LA.  It was also, mostly, what he wanted to do.  Well, they called and said he didn't get the job.  Then, 2 days later they called to let Kevan know that they wanted to create a position JUST FOR HIM...doing something he is very skilled at.  The other job included this skill, but it was the primary thing he would be doing, but he wished it was.  So, when they called and said they wanted to create a position just for him he told them he was interested.  Well, they called yesterday and offered him the job!  He took it and he will be traveling to LA in a week or so to start his new job!  We are so excited.  I prayed so hard that God would give him a job that he would love and it is exactly what he wants to do and what he is skilled at.  The best part.....God had them create this job just for Kevan.  That is just awesome!  God is so good!

Well, Kevan and I are heading out to go to the Nashville RV show so we can dream.  We have been dreaming of owning an RV since 2003 when we were dating.  We love camping and traveling.  We've never found a used one that we felt God was calling us to buy.  We couldn't afford a new one.  Maybe today will be the day.  :o) 

I pray God blesses you all today!

Please forgive me.

I received a comment on my last post that has really weighed heavily on me.  Kevan asked me to delete the comment so if you go back to read it, it's not there.  Basically, the anonymous person feels like I am a very shallow person.  The truth is....I struggle a lot with this blog because I feel like sometimes "it is all about me" and even though that is what the URL is, "Jayde's Journey"...I want it to be about Him, my Lord and Savior.  Not about me.  I also wanted it to be a place for others who are struggling with cancer to find hope and a few laughs here and there.  

The purpose of this blog from the very beginning was to document my journey through cancer and being sad about my current hair situation is what I am going through currently.  I can't imagine that I am the only woman that has struggled with post chemo hair, but I also want to ask for forgiveness if it came across as shallow.  I was actually trying to look on the bright side and that is why I posted the pictures of my past hair.  I wanted to show that even though I'm struggling with liking the short post-chemo hair that it isn't the worst it has ever been.  But, I guess my post came across as shallow.  I'm sorry.

Also, the anonymous commenter couldn't believe I would post about my hair when there are families that wish their family members were still alive and hadn't died of cancer...who cares what their hair looks like.  As a cancer survivor, it is hard to understand why God would allow a person like me (with no children) to be healed and go on with their life while there are others who have children and are such wonderful people and they don't make it through it.  I don't know why.  I don't understand it.  I feel bad because I lived through it.  Believe me....I think about this on a regular basis.  But, God doesn't allow us to trade places.  The only thing I know is that God has a plan.  God allows some to die in order to bring about a greater plan...just like he allows some to live.  I know that may seem odd to some, but I truly believe that even in someone's death there can be great things that come about from it.  I believe that my life was changed for the good when I lost my grandmother as a teenager because it made me realize that life was precious.  I looked back at her life and realized I wanted to know her God like she knew Him.  I'm not sure I would've changed my life around if I hadn't gone through the pain of losing her.  Of course, I'm not saying that God allowed my grandmother to die so "I" would turn my life around, but it could've been one aspect of His plan.  We may never know the reasons.  I just know that God healed me and I am thankful for it.  I understand what He has done for me.  I know that it doesn't always happen and I pray that I don't waste this gift.

So, please forgive me for being shallow.  This is a blog about my life with cancer and a part of that right now is the struggle over what to do with post-chemo hair.  It does sound shallow...but I really feel like I'm not the only wife that would struggle with this.  I'm embarrassed for my husband and I am not sure how to love my hair right now.  Instead of beating me up.....maybe you should pray for me.

The Never Ending Bad Hair Day

So, lately, I've been feeling like I am having a never ending bad hair day.  I don't know what to do with my hair.  It isn't long enough to brush or style or highlight.  It is getting curly.  I am not happy about this.  I bought some gel and played around with it.....it didn't work.  It just left me with hard hair that was gross.  I reached out to two people to see if they would dye it for me and I didn't hear back....so I'm guessing that is a sign.  lol!  Truthfully, I'm getting a little depressed.  I miss my hair.  I don't know why but I liked being bald more.  I know.  Weird.  I think it is because I had an excuse to wear a wig when I wanted to look nice and if I wanted to hide behind a head covering I could.  Here is the most recent pic of my hair.  It is a little longer than this...but I have no makeup on tonight so I'm going to use this one:

So, as I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself I started thinking about my hair before chemo.  Here is one of the last pictures I took before I started losing my hair.

That brought me to thinking about when I was young.  Then, I realized....this short hair thing isn't all that bad.  When you consider some of my previous hair styles.  

This one is the start of my mom trying to tame my hair.  She just braided it to get it out of the way.

Then, I think, my mom decided to put a bowl on my head and cut around it.  Also, thank you Lord for braces!

Then Jr. High came and I started to let it be curly.

Then, I started on a bowling league and this is what I looked like.  Really, mom and dad?  You let me leave like this?

After that.....I got a spiral perm because it just wasn't bad enough.  Yes....I was a nerd.

Since I showed you my Jr. High pics...I better show you one of the bad high school pictures too.  I'm not really sure what is on top of my head.

So, after looking at these...I feel a little better.  I've had a LOT of bad hair days.  Nothing new.  I actually have more I could share, but I got tired of scanning them in and I thought I should save some just in case I get depressed again.  

I'll try to be content with my short hair.  But, I'm still praying it grows very fast!

Is it over?

Friday I had my last drain removed.  It was great.  I hardly felt this one when he pulled it out because it was placed after surgery, in their office.  So, the end that was in my body was not as long as the normal ones.  The doctor said everything was healing great.  He even lifted my restrictions.  I've been able to clean my house and cook again.  It is wonderful.  I had a little helper this weekend (a friend that has been staying with us on the weekends) so she did help me clean some on Saturday.  But, I still over did it and my arms ached all night while I was trying to sleep and my breast muscles were spasm-ing.  Is that a word?  

Sunday morning and evening I even made a fire in the wood stove and carried a few little pieces of wood in the house.  Kevan doesn't want me carrying the normal size yet so he brought in the big ones.  It felt so good to do some normal chores.  I can't wait until I can help him split wood again.  It is a chore we like to do together and as weird as it sounds....its fun.  lol!
Even though my restrictions were lifted I'm only supposed to lift 10 pounds.  Then, next week it will go up to 15 and so on.    The best is that I'm allowed to take bath's now.  I have missed my nightly baths.  :o)  Also, I can sleep on my side now and she said I could try stomach sleeping in a few days.   I am a stomach sleeper and I have not slept on my stomach since April.  You do not realize how happy this makes me.  I thought I might not ever be able to sleep on my stomach again, but he thinks I shouldn't have a problem.  I can't wait to try.  Brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. 

Kevan was talking about me yesterday and I heard him say, "You wouldn't believe what a difference it makes for Jayde to have the drains out.  I can tell she feels better and she even looks better."  lol!  Even Kevan sees a difference.  When I was talking to the nurse I told her how sad I was that so much of the swelling is gone.  I told her I feel like I lost a size since I went home from surgery.  She said that everyone says that.  lol!  I tried on a few of my cute dresses and tank tops.  I think I'll be happy with the size.  Not too big....not too small.  Just perfect.  :o)

Also, I wanted to mention how much faster my incisions are healing.  I'm not sure why this is, but they are way more healed than they were after my last surgery.  I'm putting Aquafor on them twice a day and massaging it in.  The massaging helps the scars to not be so raised and helps them heal faster.  I did this last time too.  

As I sit and think about how there really isn't much left now.  I've been through the double mastectomy, the rounds of chemo and the reconstruction.  It is over.  I'm healed.  Praise God.  He healed me.  He walked with me through it all and I love him so much for it.  I'm so thankful for Him, for my family, my friends, everyone's prayers....and for cancer.  Without the cancer I wouldn't know what it is like to have to depend on God daily.  To cry out to him when I'm scared or when I'm lying in the floor sick.  To talk to him all throughout the day.  Of course, we are supposed to depend on him daily already, but I wasn't consistent.  Cancer showed me how much better it can be if we just lean on Him for everything.

I am also thankful that it is over and I'm on this side of it.  All I have left now are the check-up appointments every 3 months.  It is a weird feeling.  I'm so glad that I am starting the New Year out healed and ready to get back to normal.  This is going to be a great year.  2013!  And.....even though it is over.....I will rely on Him.  Daily.  I hope and pray I do.

Reconstruction - 4 Weeks Post-Op

Special Prayer Request
I wanted to ask for prayer for a friend.  She has been on my mind all week and non-stop this morning.  She may be losing her mom today.  My heart is breaking for her.  She is so young to be losing her mom already and it is their kids only grandmother.  Please pray that God comforts her and her father as they go through this and that He gives them strength.  Also, pray for a miracle.  I know God can heal her mother and amaze the doctors if it is His will.  I am praying for that as well.  They will see her again one day and I am so thankful for that, but it is still hard for us that are left behind.  We still have to go on with our life while feeling such a loss.  I love you Wendy.  I'm sorry you are going through this and wish I could take your pain away.  UPDATE: Wendy's mom is with Jesus now.  Please pray for her and her family.

Normal Post:

I probably shouldn't be writing this post.  I barely slept last night so I'm pretty grumpy.  lol!  But, I need to remember what was going on 4 weeks post-op.  In 2 days it will be 4 weeks since my reconstruction surgery.

Not sure what was wrong with Kevan last night, but he snored louder than he ever has and he stopped breathing numerous times.  He was going to sleep on his cot in the office (we aren't at home) and before I went to bed I said, "I didn't get married so you'd sleep somewhere else!  Sleep with me."  He's so warm too.  I wanted him next to me.  Then, after he came to bed I wished I hadn't said it and I wanted to wake him up and tell him to go sleep on his cot.  lol!  I never did though.  I prayed from midnight to 3am that he would stop snoring.  He finally did.  I fell asleep, but I was worrying and it wasn't a good sleep.  I was worrying about my dumb drain and getting it out today.  I had a feeling things wouldn't work out in my favor.

Drain
I STILL HAVE MY DRAIN!  UGH!!!!!!!!  I was supposed to get it out today, but it went up last night.  We drove into Nashville last night and stayed with my MIL hoping I would be getting it out at my appointment today, but nope.  Grrr!  It has to be UNDER 5cc's for 3 days.  The last 4 days have been 5, 5, 5 and then 6.5!  Really?  It has to go up??  I'm so sad.  I want this thing out of me.  I understand it is doing good and I need it there because I have 3 less lymph nodes on that side and I don't want an infection, but I'm so tired of it.  I'm tired of the pain of having it, trying to hide it in my clothes, having to empty it twice a day and trying to sleep with it attached to me.  I talked to the nurse this morning and she confirmed that it cannot be 5cc's.  It has to be UNDER 5cc's for 3 days.  I have an appointment on Thursday and she didn't think I would make that one either since it went up last night. 

Lypo Pain
Still having the bruising pain from the lyposuction they had to do on my stomach.  It doesn't hurt unless my stomach gets bumped or if I'm taking my clothes on/off.  But, when it does....it HURTS! My stomach doesn't look any smaller and I am under the impression at this point that lypo is not worth it!  lol!  Although, they didn't take much...just enough to help fill in areas in my breast that needed it.  It hurts for weeks and I have to wear a belly band still.  Although, they let me change to a Spanx, but since I'm not allowed to pull with my arms I have to have Kevan help me put it on.  Since he can't come with me into public restrooms this becomes a problem since it is a one piece thing.  Also, for those that don't own a Spanx....you buy your size and when you take it out of the package it looks like it would fit a newborn...and your expected to fit into this TINY thing.  I was able to do it, but can you imagine wearing that all day and all night.  I'm so ready to not be bound anymore.  I'm still having to wear my sports bra and breast band all day/night as well.  I can't wait to be free!!

Prayer Works!

Thank you to all who have been praying for me.  This drain pain has about did me in.  I didn't want to post because I didn't have anything nice to say.  lol!  I don't know how people handle chronic pain that never goes away.  It is constant and you never get a break.  It wears you down and I was starting to think I might have to be institutionalized soon.  I was going insane.  BUT, in the last 24 hours things have improved.  Kevan slept in our bed with me last night for the first time since my surgery.  I had to have the bed higher and cannot sleep flat so he's been sleeping in the guest room.  I lowered the bed last night and it actually helped me sleep.  I kept waking up and thinking, "Wow, I'm not hurting.  What is different?"  Once I got up this morning I thought that maybe it was because there was no pulling on the drain line.  

As I was getting ready to take a shower I forgot to pin my drain to my lanyard on my neck so it fell and pulled on the drain site.  It hurt soooooo bad!!  I screamed.  Kevan and his mom came running asking me what happened.  I told them I'm just a baby and everything was okay.  lol!  Then, I took a band-aid, gave the drain a little slack and then taped it to me.  I don't know why it has taken me a WEEK to think about doing this.  But, it hasn't hurt since.  Thank you Lord!  I was even taking around the clock hydrocodone and I was still having the pain before the band-aid idea.  I didn't want to take it today since I need to work.  Now, when I'm walking around, sitting, moving, etc the drain isn't pulling all the time because the band-aid is holding it in place.  I have relief!  Kinda dumb it took me a week to figure out how to stop the pain.  Duh! But, I believe it was an answer to prayer.  I'm just slow sometimes.

I found out bad news today.  I cannot have the drain removed tomorrow, like we thought.  The fluid has to be less than 5 cc's for 3 days straight.  The last 4 days have been 8, 10, 8 and 9.5cc's.  None are less than 5.  It even went up yesterday.  Ugh!!  Our morning check today was already 5cc.  So, today will not make it either.  Have I told you how much I HATE DRAINS!  I was pretty depressed this morning thinking about having this stupid drain for another week....but I'm feeling a little better now since the pain has subsided.

Kevan and I had a good Christmas.  We were able to spend it with family and that is all that matters.  We read some good advent stories, listened to a few Christmas sermons and thanked God for His Son.  Also, my mother-in-law came over and has been cleaning and doing my laundry for 2 days.  I don't know what I'd do without her!  I love her!!  I also love that my house looks and smells so much better.  :o)  She is wonderful.

Doesn't feel like Christmas

Well, there are only a few days left until Christmas.  I wasn't able to go out shopping and the gifts I did purchase online were last minute thoughts.  Im not happy with Kevans gift but i hope he will understand.  I didn't prepare enough before my surgery.  We were so busy and there just wasn't enough time.  We decided not to put up decorations since I can't help Kevan lift the tree or boxes of decorations.  It would take so much energy to put them out and a few days later I have to put it all away again.  Also, I wasn't able to make cookies this year and the biggest bummer is that my doctor said I am not allowed to cook Christmas dinner.  I love cooking and baking.  The doctor didn't  want me lifting a ham or pots and pans.  Also, i cant do anything repetetive like peeling, cutting and mashing potatoes.  I will have to recruit my MIL and Kevan to help with the cooking and we are going with the basics...nothing fancy this year.  Also, my in laws will be shocked when they show up on Christmas and my house looks like a tornado hit it.  ( this is your warning! ) Kevan has helped me some but he has his own projects outside he is trying to finish up before it gets cold and getting wood ready for the stove.  I can't wait until my restrictions are lifted and I will be able to clean my house!  Wow, I can't believe I just said that.  Yes, I would love to be able to clean my house.  Lol!  

I know none of the things above matter because we are celebrating Christ's birthday.  I dont need any of those things to praise and worship my Lord.  So, we will do our best to have a Merry Christmas under the current circumstances.  I'm happy I'm alive, cancer free and able to enjoy it at all!  Praise God for that!  I'm thankful that we did have the money to buy the gifts we did even though Kevan is without a job.  I know so many struggle with finances this time of year.  Also, glad we have the ability to buy online!  Don't have to take a horse or buggy to town.  :). Who knows, this might be one of our favorite Christmases because I didn't get all stressed out over shopping, cookies, dinner, cleaning, etc. If no one trips over the junk all around the house then it will be great!

I wish you all a "drain free" Christmas.....which I won't be having this year!  Lol!!  Merry Christmas!

Pity Party

Last night I was in a lot of pain where my new drain site is and I was "losing it" a little bit.  I ended up whining a little too much to Kevan (who was being very patient with me considering!) and then went to bed early because I thought if I could fall asleep I wouldn't know about the pain anymore.  I had been off my pain meds for 2 days, but ended up taking a 1/2 as I went to bed last night.  I laid in bed having a little pity party with myself.  lol!  I was emotional and wanted to cry, but I was able to hold back the tears.  I laid there for about 30 minutes and couldn't fall asleep because it was just hurting/burning too bad.  I couldn't get comfortable and I still can't lay flat.  I prayed and asked the Lord to help me.  Then, as I was praying I thought that turning on my iPad, opening the iHeartRadio app and listening to a local Christian station sounded nice.  They were playing Christmas music and it really helped my mood and I was able to lay in bed (in the dark) and sing praises to my Lord.  :o)  I figured that if this was my last night and tomorrow (12-21-2012) was the End of the World...it was good I was falling asleep praising my Lord.  HaHa!  Then, during commercial segments I heard about a little 2-year-old boy diagnosed with cancer and was in the hospital in Nashville.  They were asking for prayer for his family.  Then, the next commercial break asked for prayer for a woman that lost her husband and her job recently.  I can't believe I was feeling sorry for myself.  Man, I am so blessed.   I'm sorry for having my pity party.  Things could be so much worse for me.  Thank you Lord for showing me.

I wanted to mention a recent prayer Kevan and I had.  Kevan had to hike through the woods with a neighbor and some people from the state of Tennessee.  We are trying to get a permit to clean up the dam that has been created in our creek at our bridge.  The bridge was built for cars to pass over it, but was only used for a short time (a long time ago) It is 1/2 ours and 1/2 our neighbors.  We love our bridge, but we hate that during storms TONS of wood and garbage gets stuck at the bridge causing a dam and the land near the bridge is also being washed away so soon we won't be able to access the bridge since the water is trying to find an alternate route.  Also, it floods our land and our neighbors land due to the dam.  Here is a picture of the debris that piles up.

Anyway, while Kevan was hiking to it he ended up losing his smart phone.  He was devastated.  Once he got home we prayed together and then he headed out to find it.  I tried calling it when he would radio me to do so, but he never heard it ringing.  Sometimes we don't have a signal on our property.   He came home without a phone.  I encouraged him to go out one more time before it got dark to search again because it was supposed to rain the next day.  We prayed, our mothers prayed and a friend that had stopped by also prayed with us.  He was gone about an hour and still had not found his phone.  Our neighbor, Mr. B, stopped by the next morning, knowing Kevan had lost his phone and offered to help Kevan search for it.  Mr. B is in his 70's and he hiked the woods with Kevan searching for his phone.  He is such a sweet man.  They searched for about an hour and Kevan started to pray and ask the Lord why He wasn't answering his prayer.  That so many had prayed and he just didn't understand why God wasn't answering this simple prayer.  During his prayer he heard the Lord say, "Did you ask your neighbor if he prayed?  Did you pray with him?"  He hadn't.  So, he found Mr. B resting on a log.  He asked him if they could pray about it together.  After they finished praying the phone was found within 5 minutes.  Praise the Lord!  It was found in an area Kevan had already passed 3 times and each time he hadn't found it.  We were so thankful that we could celebrate this answer to prayer and that it had a sweet story...so I wanted to share it with you.  Also, it had rained a little bit that morning, but his phone is working fine.  :o)  Oh, and we are still waiting to hear about the permit for the bridge clean-up.

I've Learned Yet Another New Word I Didn't Know Before Cancer

New word: Seroma - a lump or swelling caused by an accumulation of serum within a tissue or organ.

First, thank you to those that prayed for me.  I felt better today when I woke up (probably due to the antibiotics they started me on - Cipro and Bactrim) and I prayed that when we arrived at the doctor that Kevan and I would just look like paranoid idiots and that there really wouldn't be an issue.  I would much rather look like an idiot than have an infection or seroma.  I did not have a fever this morning and my right breast didn't look as red.  So, it seemed that maybe everything was fine.

We packed the car with overnight clothes/items just in case.  If it was serious I may need to stay at the hospital or if we had to see the doctor again tomorrow we could just stay at my MIL's instead of making the long drive two days in a row.  We arrived 30 minutes early.  We had given ourselves the normal 2 hour drive, but traffic was down so we arrived early.  We finished listening to a Christmas Sermon by John MacArthur and then headed in to see if they could take us a little early.  Kevan and I love the modern technology.  We have been listening to YouTube videos or streaming sermons lately during our long drives.  It is pretty cool that our cell service is able to stay connected well enough that the video/audio is never interrupted and it gives us so many more options than just listening to the radio.

When we arrived my two wonderful nurses, Miss L and Miss B, took a look at the redness and didn't notice any swelling.  They didn't think anything serious was going on, but wanted to make sure with Dr. M's confirmation.  So, Kevan and I waited (he was in surgery) until we could see him.  We just played around on our phones for 30 minutes and the time went by pretty fast.  :o)  I was very happy though...thinking that nothing was wrong and I'd be going home.

Dr. M came in and in the next 5 minutes he burst my bubble of happiness.  He immediately mentioned needle and drain.  I obviously got emotional because I hate both words.  He could tell I was getting emotional, but he knew that putting in a drain if he found fluid (seroma) was the right thing to do.   I already have potential issues because I've had 3 lymph nodes removed from that side and it is my cancer side so there was more trauma to the area during surgeries.  Of course, I wanted what was best, but I didn't want to go through anything else so I was starting to cry a little just thinking about it.  Miss L and Miss B prepped the room for my "minor" surgery.  I was so glad they were going to let Kevan stay.  He moved his chair to the other side of me, held my hand and prayed for me.  Then, Dr. M stuck a few needles in me to numb the area (OUCH!!!) and then did the procedure to find any fluid that was there.  I felt a lot of pressure and some "jamming" which I did not care for.  lol!  I didn't watch, but looked at Kevan the whole time.  At one point he had a weird expression on his face that scared me so I told him he wasn't allowed to watch if he was going to make faces that scare me.  lol!  So, then he just continued to watch, but put his hand over his mouth so I couldn't read him.  Anyway, there was quite a bit of fluid so Dr. M did need to put in a drain.  Have I told you how much I HATE DRAINS!  Ugh!  I am grateful for them, of course, because they have a great purpose, but I just don't like this thing stuck in my body that has a big long tube that gross stuff drains through to get to a "bulb" that we have to empty 3 times a day.  Dr. M also noticed a blister that had formed and lanced it (ouch!).  For those that are brave and can look at medical stuff...I've uploaded a picture of what the blister and drain site looks like.  It isn't pretty!  So, click here to see a picture.  I made the picture really small because it just looks grotesque looking at it any bigger. I will have to have the drain until the fluid coming out is less than 5cc's for 3 days.  Last Monday, they removed my drains and the count had to be less than 20cc for 2 days.  So, you can see that the threshold has to be a lot less now.  My appointment to have it removed is next Thursday, but if it is more than 5cc's I will have to move it.  I am praying it is next Thursday!

It is funny that the whole time I was laying on the table going through this, in my mind, I was thinking......"I want a big piece of Gondola's cake for having to go through this".  LOL!!!  I've fallen off the diet wagon and have cheated a few times lately.  If we had driven past it on the way home I would've made Kevan go buy me a piece of cake.  :p  I love their cake and I think it would've made me feel a little better.  LOL!

I am so thankful for Miss L and Miss B for always making me feel better when I have to go through these procedures or if I'm just having a rough time of it.  I'm also thankful for the ability that God has given to Dr. M.  Not just his plastic surgery abilities, but also his wisdom today to see that something was wrong and that he knew what to do.  Please Lord, please bless each of them.  Now, I will say that I think my little procedure was already a blessing to Miss L and Miss B because they both enjoy the little mini surgeries in the office.  lol!  I can't imagine it!  But, Miss L was pretty excited.  :o)  

Finally, I want to say how wonderful my husband was to sit there and hold my hand the whole time and to pray with me.  I am so thankful for him and his support.  People tell me I am such a strong person all the time, but I have so much support (Kevan, Family, Friends, God) and that is how I'm able to be strong.  After each of the things I go through I appreciate so much more what my mother-in-law, Judy, went through.  She has had breast cancer twice.  She is a single woman.  I don't know how she did it.  Kevan went to her appointments with her and tried to help her, but he wasn't there for her first cancer experience because he lived in Texas.  Also, he couldn't help her, like he does me, because that is just weird....cuz she's his mom.  Ha!  Anyway, Judy....you are the strongest woman I know.  I don't know how you did it.  I love you so much.  I wish I would've known you then so I could've helped you through each thing.  I'm glad God was with you though and got you through it.  I can't imagine my life without you in it.

Update on my prayer request

I ran a fever throughout the night and still have one today.  It ranges from 100 to 101.5.  My headache is a lot better today and most of the day I haven't had a headache.  When I got into the shower this morning Kevan and I noticed that my right breast was red and hot to the touch.  The left one looks normal and is not hot.  Also, I have no pain on the left side and still have a lot of pain on the right (if I touch it or move my arm at all).   I called the doctor to let them know about it.  I believe that this is a sign of infection.  They prescribed me two new antibiotics and want to see me at 10am tomorrow.  Please please please pray there is no infection and that Kevan and I are just paranoid.  Thank you for your prayers. 

Prayer Request

I need to ask for prayer.  Last week I received a call from a woman that was connected with the hospital where I had my surgery.  She informed me that they do random testing of drugs and that they tested a drug that was also used by my anesthesiologist and it came back positive for yeast.  I have no idea what this means, but she said I needed to contact them if I experienced a headache and fever.  I've been doing really well, but yesterday I started feeling like I was getting sick.  I've had a headache since yesterday afternoon....it is soooo bad.  I keep laying down to take a nap to see if it will improve.  My fever is 100.7.  The woman did not leave me with a number to call back and when I call back the caller id number no one answers and there is no voice mail.  I called my doctor, but they are not sure who I need to contact since it is a Centennial Hospital thing and not related to my surgery.  I know that it is highly unlikely that this is connected.  That would just be very odd.  But, I am scared it might be since I never have fevers (except after chemo).  Please pray there is no connection and that my symptoms will subside.  Thank you!  I've also prayed and Kevan prayed over me as well.

Update:  I spoke with the anesthesiologist.  He confirmed that they had to notify everyone that has had surgery during the time the drug was used and confirmed that it was found to contain a contaminant.  They believe it was a false positive so I don't have anything to worry about, but he is only 99% sure. There is still the 1%.  This doesn't make me feel good since they told me there was only a 2% chance that my lump was cancer!  Anyway, if I am still sick and running a fever tomorrow we have to drive all the way into Nashville again tomorrow to go to the ER.  I'm already listed as a potential person for it and they will just run a blood test called an Antigen test to confirm.  I also have to call a hotline if my headache gets worse, but it is already pretty bad.  He thinks I may have the flu.  :(. Thanks for your prayers.

Encouragement and Unspeakable Joy!

What a difference a week makes!  Or 8 months.  I am a week and 2 days out from my final reconstruction surgery.  The swelling is gone, the pain is getting better, the stitches have been removed and things are looking good.  I wanted to write a post to encourage those women that have to go through the same procedures.  The journey is hard, painful, stressful, discouraging, sad.....but in the end....it is worth it.  I have talked on this blog many times about the pain and internal turmoil I experienced the first time I saw myself after my double mastectomy and how it took weeks...maybe even months for me to look at myself without crying.  Sometimes crying the whole remainder of the day.  It was hard to experience and hard to believe that I would ever look normal again.  God was with me though and I prayed and prayed that the doctors and my husband would be right.  That I would be able to look at myself and be okay with it.  That God would answer my prayer and I would look normal again.  I know a lot of you prayed as well.

I am here as a witness now to say, "I look pretty darn good!".  God answered those prayers!  In some ways, I look better than I did before I had breast cancer.  I am very happy with the results.  The surgeon was able to use new technologies to do so much...it is pretty unbelievable.  I still have a lot of healing left, but things should improve week by week.  My scars will eventually fade and as far as I can tell....no one would ever know I have breast implants under this skin.  The implants we chose look so natural.  I didn't want to look fake and I don't.  Praise God!  The tissue expanders felt like rocks....the implants feel so much better.  They took the sutures/stitches out yesterday so those areas still need healing and I still have dissolving stitches all along the bottom of my breasts, but I have joy today.  I can see now what the doctor and my husband kept telling me in the beginning.  I would look normal again and I would be happy with it.  I am.  I am grateful to God for blessing me so much.  I am so so so grateful that my husband is excited and very happy as well at how things are looking.  lol!  As a married woman, this means more to me than my own acceptance of myself. <tears are falling from my eyes now.  Tears of joy.> But, to have both (mine and my husband's joy in it) and not having to feel like I "look as good as can be expected after breast cancer".....but I "look good" and believe I will look great in weeks to come is huge to me....this is HUGE to me.  God's grace.  God's love for me.  It overwhelms me.

How I look shouldn't matter.  I know this.  Who really sees me anyway besides myself and my husband?  But, it matters.  It matters that I feel beautiful for my husband.  It would matter even if I was a single woman.  It matters that underneath it all I'm not left with the memory of the horror of it every time I see myself without clothes, but instead the beauty of what God has done for me.  He brought me through a very hard time and left me better than I was before.  Not just on the outside, but also on the inside.  Only my Lord can do something this powerful.   Oh, how I love Him.  I know it mattered to my Father because it mattered to me.  He doesn't do things small.....He delivers BIG.  He is the Creator of the world....why couldn't He make me look great again?  Of course He can!  He made man from the dust of the earth....He spoke the world into being.  He healed me from cancer, He walked with me through it all, He gave me strength to endure it and HE gives me this joy today.  I am so thankful and blessed.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

This song....is so fitting for my heart today and for the season - UNSPEAKABLE JOY!

A Painful Night of Sleep

I did so well yesterday that I decided to cut back on my pain meds and did a little more than I had been doing (putting dishes in the dishwasher, worked on my laptop, etc).  I thought I was doing great.  At about 10pm I had Kevan help me into bed and gave me my nightly hydrocodone.  Then, 30 minutes later I called him on the Wilkie Talkie and begged for a Valium.  I was in so much pain I was crying.  Kevan gave it to me and we waited 30 minutes to see if it was going to get better.  It didn't.  By then, I was bawling I was in so much pain.  I kept telling him I felt like I had been shot.  Lol!  Not sure why, since I've never been shot and don't know what it feels like.  Anyway, Kevan helped me to the bathroom and then he unwrapped my chest.  The pain immediately subsided.  

Then, he rewrapped me and helped me back to bed.  We figured maybe I was wrapped too tight.  But, within an hour it all started again.  If I laid down I was in extreme pain and if I sat up or walked around it was better.  I went back to bed, raised the back of our adjustable foundation as comfortable as I could and then tried to sleep through the pain.  I haven't had any more tears but it sure was painful.

I got up this morning on my own because I didn't want to wake Kevan.  This was also stupid because I felt the stitches in my stomach pull as I tried to get up.  I called the doctor's office this morning and asked them what could be happening.  They think I did too much yesterday because my pain wasn't as bad and one of my stitches tore something.  I am right handed so it makes sense.  Also, I lifted my laptop and used my laptop for the first time last night so that could've pulled something.  I'm not supposed to lift more than 5 pounds and I'm pretty sure my laptop is at least 10 pounds.  That is what I get for trying to work when I'm supposed to be off.  Bad Jayde!

I am very groggy today.  I'm guessing from lack of sleep.  So, I'm off to try to take a painless nap.

Final reconstruction - post op Day 5 & 6

The last two days have been better days.  I was pretty sad on days 3 and 4 wondering how I was going to make it through this recovery because the pain was so bad, but I'm doing better now.  I'm grateful for Kevan and Judy (my mother-in-law).  Judy let us stay with her in Nashville the first 2 days and then she came and stayed with us the next 2 days.  She just went home yesterday.  I don't know what I would've done without them.  They made sure I was given my pain meds every 4 hours.  Judy set an alarm at night and got out of bed just to make sure I was getting what I need.  She also had to help me up so I could go to the bathroom.  I am so grateful.  Thank you Judy.  Also, thank you for all you did with cleaning my house, doing laundry and everything else you did for us.

I didn't post earlier because I hate typing on my phone and my laptop is just too heavy for me to lift so I have to wait for Kevan.  Kevan helped me get it all hooked up tonight.

The first day home I was able to lift myself, but it has been too hard ever since.  Not sure if the anesthesia had not worn off yet or if I'm just so sore now that I can't make myself do it.  I'm not allowed to use my arms to help myself up so it is really hard when you are so sore to lift yourself if you can't use your arms.  Kevan has helped me take a few showers.  It went well and felt good.  Much easier than after the mastectomy. I was able to stand the whole time and I hung my drains on a hanger that hung on the curtain rod. I am not allowed to let the water hit my chest directly so I have to stand with my back to the water and let it drip toward the front.  It still feels good.  Also, it was several weeks before I could wash my own hair after the mastectomy (I think) because I couldn't lift my arms that high.  But, I washed my own hair with no problems or pain. I'm not allowed to scrub because there are steri-strips or adhesive strips over my sutures.  So, I just kind of squeeze the soapy water over me and then let the clean water go over that.

After I get out of the shower I have a lot of pain in the top of my breasts (where the sutures are through the muscle).  I'm pretty sure it is muscle pain so I take a Valium and it really helps with the muscle spasms.  Kevan took some pictures of me today just so we can see the progress and I look like I've been in a terrible accident or was beat up pretty bad.  lol!  I can't wait until a couple weeks from now so I can see what it will look like without all the bruising and sutures sticking out.  Also, my stomach is VERY swollen still.  I had some liposuction for the fat grafting and it looks bigger than it was before surgery.

My bruising from the liposuction (for fat grafting) seems to be getting better.  It still REALLY hurts on my hips though.   Most of my pain is from the sutures at the top of the breasts and the where the drains come out.  It is very red and sore where the drains are.  I can't wait to have them removed on Thursday.  Praying that I won't have much fluid draining the next two days so I can have them removed.

I've been trying to do my exercises between 3 and 5 times per day.  I'm doing a lot better than I was last time.  I'm hoping that I won't have any scar banding this time and won't require physical therapy.  I'm tiring of the wraps over my stomach and breasts.  I cannot wait until I only have to wear them at night, but it won't be until the 3rd week (I think).  I was going to post some pictures of my bruising and sutures, but I am just not that brave.  After I looked at them they just looked so bad I didn't want to subject you guys to it.  lol!  Plus, it might scare those that have to go through this themselves.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and big thank you to my church for setting up meals for us.  It lets Kevan stay home with me and not have to leave to figure out meals.  I'm trying to wean off my pain meds so I can start reading my bible again.  I can't read when on them since everything is doubled or jumbled together.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be an even better day.  Love you all!  God is good!

Misconceptions

I had my first follow up visit with my plastic surgeon yesterday.  The nurse unwrapped my chest and stomach.  Due to the bruising I had already noticed from under the stomach wrap I had decided not to look.  I was just scared it would be emotional.  Because of the wrapping things already looked smooshed.  After the nurse and Kevan encouraged me to look I walked over to the mirror.  As I did, my drain accidentally fell onto the floor and pulled on my side which made me queezy and I had to hurry and sit down or I was going to pass out.  Kevan said all the color was gone from my face.  I'm not sure if this happened because of the emotional aspect of what I saw or because the drain pulling, but I let her rewrap me without looking again.

You see, I was under the impression that I would look normal again.  Like on tv when someone has a breast augmentation.  They show the after and the person looks great.  That is not what happened.  I have about 9 places where there are sutures sticking out.  They are there to hold the implants in place until the pocket heals enough to hold them there.  Another surprise was how high my breasts are sitting.  They said it will take between 3 and 6 months for them to fall into place.  That is a long time.

Also, my stomach, where they had to remove fat via liposuction for the fat grafting. I  looks a little strange and very bruised, but she said this is normal and I'm just swollen.  I will have to wear the stomach wrap for 3+ weeks.  I have no idea how I will hide it under my clothes.

Some good news is that they fit me into a bra yesterday.  They first put this sticky foam on the top of my breasts to push the implants down and then the sports bra (it zips in the front) and then they wrapped another wrap over the top to also help push them down.  This wrap is the most painful as it also rubs my underarms because it is so high.  This wrap is what is causing the most pain and also where the sutures are sutured into the breast muscle.  It does seem a little better today.

The bra they fit me into was a 40 C.  I used to wear a 34 B.  I'm hoping that the 40 is due to being swollen and it will not be the ending number.  Lastly, I just want to say that if you go through this just remember that his isn't the end result.  It takes several months for the implants to drop and for things to heal.  I have to keep telling myself this as well.