I was able to go to church yesterday. We usually go to Sunday School as well, but I did not have the strength, but I decided I could probably sit through church service. When we arrived I thought I had made a mistake. I made it to my seat, heart racing, music loud and was having a hard time. I couldn't stand to worship so I just sat in my seat. I actually even had a hard time staying awake during the music...which is odd since it is pretty loud and we sit pretty close to the front! It was also the first time I've showed up for church on a Sunday without a wig! I just had a head covering and it actually didn't cross my mind until I was leaving. I barely got dressed and ready....a wig was not on my mind yesterday. I may or may not have woke myself up from snoring (Shhh!). lol! I thought about going home, but I just don't feel right if I skip church. My week feels strange....I feel like I've missed something in my life and I didn't want to feel that all week along with everything else. So, I stayed. Then, our wonderful worship team started singing the MercyMe song, "Bring the Rain" and I just felt like this song was for me. Tears started streaming down my face (thank you CR for the tissues!) and I knew I had made the right decision to come to church. Here are the lyrics that spoke to me....I included a youtube video at the end if you want to hear it. It really spoke to my heart yesterday and confirmed everything I'm going through. That this is all in His plan for me...He is here with me, this is for His Glory and He continues to bring me joy and peace through it all. I felt so much better after this song and really enjoyed the sermon...glad I got out of the house, got myself ready....even when I didn't want to. It really blessed me.
Bring The Rain lyrics
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
The worst part right now are the hot flashes. The doctor gave me something to take at night to help, but it hasn't helped at all. I wake up about every 45-50 minutes burning from the inside out. I'm drenched in sweat....I throw my covers off...take off my head covering....fan myself for about 10 minutes to get cool again and then pray I can fall back to sleep. I get up 1/2 through the night to change my pajamas (which are drenched and I'm freezing) and then try to go back to sleep. It is M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E. I spoke to a friend over the weekend who is on Tamoxifen and she said the first 6 months were miserable as well, as far as hot flashes. So, if everyone else gets their way regarding the Tamoxifen, I guess I won't be sleeping well for a long time! Grrr!
My brain fog started early during this chemo. Normally, I do well until Day 6 or 7, but it started on the 3rd day this time. I can still feel it and cannot think real clearly on Day 7, but it is much better. I hate this part of chemo so much because I literally cannot do much. I lay around, can't comprehend movies and can barely hold a conversation. I also had a hard time staying awake. SEC football started over the weekend and I slept through most of the games....and I snored! Which is not normal for me. I'm unsure if it is the extra weight or the chemo. I hate it! Luckily, the sound of the game was so loud I don't think very many heard me. lol! Just my hubby.
Finally, after 4 chemo treatments I think I finally figured out what was best for my intestinal problems caused by the chemo. It has not been as bad at all this time. I started eating a handful of raisins and 4 prunes on the day of chemo (after I ate my last meal for the day) and EVERY day after chemo (after my last meal). I drank quite a bit of apple juice (maybe 12-16 oz a day) to stay hydrated and to help with this as well. It listed apple juice in my Chemo 101 book as a good thing for this as well and I love apple juice and hate drinking water so I was happy to do it. Things have gone a lot better. Not perfect, but better. I didn't want to take Senokot (which is what is suggested in my Chemo 101 book) as it creates a lot of pain for me and I end up lying in the floor in the bathroom for HOURS. So, I was just trying to work with the raisins/prunes this time. After this, I'm not sure I ever want a prune again. lol! But, if you have to go through chemo....try the raisins and prunes!
I've had a lot of fingernail pain (hands and feet) the last few days. This is normal...along with the bad taste-buds and raw tongue. I try not to let my hands or feet in my hot bath water if I take a bath as the heat seems to make them worse. I so love baths though...so it hasn't stopped me. Also, you must wear gloves if you wash dishes or it will get a lot worse. In addition, I'm having burning pain from where the IV was in my hand and it is radiating up my arm (I don't see anything on my hand though...it is all inside)...a lot like the pain I have during the actual Chemo infusion. I've only had it about 2 days and I'm hoping it will go away. If I still have it tomorrow I might call the doctor to see if there is something I should do to make it stop. Also, I'm having my feet pain already, which I don't normally have until the second week. My hubby gave me a foot massage yesterday and it did help. Not sure what causes this.
I still believe the hair loss during chemo is a blessing for me. Maybe I could've just cut my hair short, but not having to worry about my hair during all of this (washing, conditioning, drying, styling) has been such a blessing. I know that probably sounds crazy, but after my surgery, early chemo and in the hospital it was such a burden to have to deal with. It has been nice to not have that as another thing to deal with. I am now looking forward to it growing back though! We will be buying some Biotin tablets (my oncologist said it was okay) and I've heard it will help the hair grow back faster. I'll keep you updated! I do have a little peach fuzz, but I don't know if that will fall out or not since I'm only 7 days out from Chemo 4.